"So I Could Find My Way" by Stacey L. Bolin

My hands are trembling as I find the ability to write once again, it's like riding a bike, you never forget. The sounds of the keyboard clicking beneath my fingers brings a comforting feeling like a hug from that special person you haven't seen in years. Since my travels that took me from my home of 22 years, I fell off the face of the earth in the world of writing.  My love for writing had soured. I won't lie, never have, and won't start now. I was so FUCKEN angry!! I could spit nails every time I opened my mouth. I was pissed off that my home was now occupied by anyone other than my family. I loved my home, I loved my life, and all I wanted was my husband and boys with me. I also lived with a sense of peace by having all my doctors so close...I felt safe. Yet, all that safety was ripped from me when the one person I needed the most told me he didn't love me at the time. He had been mislead for years, with the biggest lie being that life would be better when he moved back to the west. The only thing I will say is that the reality of that painted wonderful life lasted only six months. In December his soul that believed all things were good and kind had been destroyed and had to be rebuilt once again, but I'll get back to that.

For years I honestly thought I was invincible, nothing could hurt me, or at least I could pretend it didn't when in actuality, I had transformed into a clinical case of what I like to call the Hollow Bunny syndrome, Solid on the outside, empty and dark on the inside and so deeply saddened. My sugar coated hope was to transition into a new life in a remote location on a Ranch to rent that was located in a place called Rocky Hollow, that my husband had found only three days before selling our home. It was a relief to know I finally knew we had a place to rest our head and I hoped from what I had seen from google earth, a place to call home until the next move.  Life in Rocky Hollow was like being a part of the Wonderful World of Disney shows that were televised on Sunday nights. It reminded me of my favorite documentary that had been about the life of the cougar. It was like living on a Disney set that was an animal reservation, and I was in love with the feeling of peace that consumed me soon as we drove down into the Hollows. It was everything I envisioned at the age of 9 of what the wild west would and should be like.  When we pulled into the driveway I was overjoyed that the world up on the prairie lands no longer existed in my mind. We were nestled within the trees and rocky hills. It was a dream come true and all was wonderful until my husband went back to work. For the first few months I did all I could to convince myself that all was right in the world, but day by day my intuition was screaming in the back of my mind and one day I decided to act upon this feeling and discovered on August 3, 2016 a negative element found its way into our lives again, or better yet had not been dealt with as I had been promised, but neither of us had the strength to put it in its place and it set a ticking health bomb that was waiting to explode.

My days were filled with a whole new set of challenges with the most worrisome being when the health bomb eventually went off and I had a heart attack in September 2016. A nurses honest words still haunt... noticing that my ER doctors bedside manner sucked, she provided some words of guidance, she was calm as she told me that I was very sick and if my younger son had not been with me to see the signs and if I sign myself out of the hospital, because I'm so goddamn stubborn... they would been planning my funeral that following Tuesday. Talk about shake some sense into a person, a sense that was also laced with sheer fear and that non-stop want to runaway. I'm not proud of myself when I say I let fear take control and I left my home in Rocky Hollow, on Oct 5th, 2016. I left my husband, I left my boys, I left everything behind with no plans to return. 

My husband took me to the airport and I did my best to  conceal any emotion that I was broken, and as scary as it sounds, he had no idea I was leaving and he was the only person who could fix the problem if he wanted me back.  It was later, in my travels, that I learned that I had just as much fixing to do with myself. I hugged him and gave him a quick kiss then turned and walked away. I was leaving the man of my dreams. The one who had stepped into my sleeping dreams on that cool winter night in November of 1988 the man in the red van that needed my help. I had only bought a one way ticket to NH to see my mother and then my plans were to go back to Annapolis to see my friends before veering off into a new and unknown world that left me feeling old, cold and alone.

Being back in New Hampshire was bittersweet. I was home, but I carried an emptiness along with my luggage while my husband and boys were living their lives back in Nebraska. As I drove, I began the long journey of self discovery. What had I done to those around me, what had I said, but all I could feel was the reactions of being angry to things that were of no control of mine. That I had made so many promises...AND KEPT THEM ALL! But those who had made promises to me didn't keep them. I needed to find the woman I was before I went into the service and the woman that fought a battle with cancer and survived, the woman who stood up to a bullies, that believed in the power within herself, the woman that would do anything to help someone, the woman who was caring, loving, and compassionate.  The woman who had built herself a small company and loved art. Yet the most important lesson that needed to be figured out...how to find the woman within me who loved herself again, because she knows you have to learn to love yourself before you can honestly love another.

My mother and I spent much needed quality time together, something we had not done in years. She had always been my rock, and this time wasn't any different, she set me straight and what I needed to do to be the woman she knew that lived inside me. It was a great feeling to have a sense of confidence back as I worked feverishly on an order of Crystal snowflakes for a wedding. This was to be my first order since I had temporarily shut my business down during the move. For the three and a half weeks I was there, I had completed the order and felt accomplished. My husband and I had as many phone conversations as his over the road trucking job, without much time off, would allow us. As we shared phone calls with each other into the wee hours of the night at times, I felt myself going back in time, back too 1992 when my mother lived in Hillsboro, NH, and when my Seabee guy decided to fly to New Hampshire to get Married on May 6th.  I felt like that gitty young twenty something girl falling in love all over again. Something was changing inside me that I had never felt before. I was finally letting go of many years of sadness, I was learning that the only person that had control over my happiness was me. It was then I discovered I still loved him, maybe even more than I had thought. I decided that the past was the past and if I wanted things to work out, we had to get back to the place that we were when we met. Baby step...but we've gone through worse. On October 18th, I had decided I was not up for the long drive to Annapolis, and hopped a Southwest flight to Baltimore. I was a bit over confident, how hard could it be to go back and see all my friends and  do a follow up with my doctor. With my new found independence, I believed that going back to Annapolis would be a piece of cake...I WAS SO SO WRONG.

Not a lot of people know that I suffer from Anxiety/PTSD that can result in panic attacks that are so sever that the best of inhalers can't stop the effect and before you know it, you're in the ER. As the plane landed, I was relatively calm, and the sights outside the airplane window found comfort within my subconscious as a feeling that I was home. I was in complete denial that I had ever left and that my family was home waiting for me in Annapolis. I was so excited to see them. To sit out on our deck and listen to the sounds of the city. Karma was about to hit me with everything it had. When I got off the plane and made my way to the rental car transportation pick-up point, something immediately changed, something was horribly wrong and it was at that moment I felt so alone. I took a selfie of me smiling and sent it to my friend Radene, trying to hide the panic that was trying to consume my ability to function. Questions by the thousands hit me like a load of brinks. All revolving around the same topic that I was there and my family wasn't.

I got my rental car and headed for Annapolis. As I merged with the evening rush hour traffic, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, I was lost both mentally and physically. What seemed like hours trying to get out of the airport location and back to the highways I knew and had driven for 20 plus years, The only place I managed to get to was the Walmart on Quarterfield road.  I sat in the parking lot suffering from a total melt down as I was faced with a sinking feeling that the reality I was facing was that I no longer had a place to go home too  in Annapolis. Our little Blue Rancher on Boxwood Road no longer belonged to us. WHAT HAD I DONE! I hadn't only given up my home, I was giving up my family, but for what? The past, old memories that I can look through pictures and enjoy. As I sat alone weeping for the past, and wanting to know what my future was, I completely gave myself  for the first time to god and asked him for a sign. Immediately my phone rang, it was my husband. I know he didn't understand me as I let myself cry without worry who would hear or see me. He got me calmed down and suggested it may be better to stay in a different hotel rather than the one he and I used to stay at when we wanted a hot tub fix. I agreed and I got a room on the Naval Base. I'm glad I did. While I stayed on the base, I realized what I wanted and what I needed to do to get my life back. One by one my husband and my boys realized that the lies that I had been accused of creating were not of my doing I was just the prime target so they would see me in a different light, again I thank the good lord that they are seeing and hearing first hand I was not the liar they were led to believe I was. It's still difficult for them to accept what and who are the real problems and the players, but day by day, the behaviors of others are showing their true colors. Part of this is the reason my husband decided to leave his job to regroup, the other reason I am not at liberty to share. I know he has dreams of owning his own business and I know as a family we will make all our dreams come true. I'm so proud of him and my boys and together we will keep that CAN-DO spirit that drives us forward.

Another wonderful moment was when I discovered my intuition had finally come back full steam and I've added a little something more to the me I want to be. I thank both my therapists who have finally helped me see that I am not allowed to take on other peoples problems. My new belief is that when people do you wrong, you ask for an apology and move on. never let anyone blame you for their unhappiness, lies, and bad choices. I chose to be a kind, loving, understanding, honest, compassionate, and trustworthy person, but I also chose not to hold on to what hurts me or to take blame for what is not mine and to teach myself that once a person/s loose my trust, it may never come back and that too is not my problem. I will take care of problems immediately and if I did something wrong I take responsibility and apologize. I will protect my family from those who intentionally seek out to hurt them, emotionally, verbally, physically, and financially. My family knows exactly what is expected of them and what I expect out of myself.  I will hold people accountable for their negative actions and I am no longer any body's personal punching bag because of their life choices, AND I WON'T BE BLAMED FOR SHIT I DIDN'T SAY OR DO! No more!

Anyways, as for my stay in Annapolis, it was cut short to five days, as I realized it was time for me to get back to my family. I am thankful that I was able to spend some time with my friend Radene and Paula (Miss you ladies), but my instinct told me it was time for me to go home and regain control over my life and make my business everything I dream it can be. To be the wife, best friend and lover that I had always been, just got lost but now found. To be the mother my boys can come to and know that I will guide them the best way I know how, but that their choices in life is exactly that...their choices. It is still so hard to believe that I had been gone for almost five weeks and at the beginning of those weeks I had just about given up on everything and everyone I loved, but it really makes me step back and take a look at my life. I can see clearly now that obviously this is where I am supposed to be, Here on the Ranch where I now call home. Business is doing great, my dreams to open up an art studio to teach art and ceramics to Veterans is still kinda on hold until we figure out where to put our new roots in the ground, but that hasn't stopped me instead I teach art classes at a great place called Laura Lee's Double L Country Store and Café. in Harrisburg, NE.

As life does, it's given me another challenge and I have another pending medical issue that has come upon me, but this time I'm not afraid to ask for love and prayers from friends and family, and I welcome my name placed upon the prayer tree. I'll know more in a few days, and if all else, maybe this is another reason I chose this day to put my hands upon my keyboards and let my words appear once again. Now before I forget, I have something else to share about the changes in my life....

And it's the best news of all, my kids are doing great and  hold on to your hats folks... my husband and I are going to be Grandparents. WOOT! WOOT! Can't think of a better reason to start writing again. Life is all about ups and downs, but as long as you're with the people that you love and love you, you can take the good and the bad of what life dishes out and overcome. Stay Positive My Friends and gonna keep this promise too...I will Blog ya later.

Segment from the book "Window Prints" by Stacey L. Bolin

"Window Prints" Written by Stacey L. Bolin
Copyright August 2011 all rights reserved.

Have you ever had a sense of inner fear terrorize you? Did it make you feel like you were losing your mind? What if you suddenly woke up while living your life and discovered that something terrible had happened to you as a child that could alter the outcome of your future many years later? I'm not afraid of horror movies or squiggly things in the dirt, most bugs don't bug me and snakes, and well if they keep to themselves then we can find a common balance of good yard harmony together. I even look forward to the occasional Halloween trick.  However I will finally admit that I do suffer from a fear that has made up me since I was 9 years old.  You see, back then I was subjected to a life that my mother was completely unaware of.  I was also told that if I ever said anything to her, I would be killed. That what the man had done and was doing, was no body's business.  This same man was the one who first taught my heart the feeling of loss.  What did I lose?  The inability to feel his love for me, as he never loved himself due to something that haunted him in his past.  The man was good at sharing himself with everyone but the ones who truly loved him.  He went from lady to lady with no remorse that he was a married man.  It didn't matter as long as other women in his life would stroke his ego, but they also preyed upon his weaknesses.  The man believed himself to be a mighty one that all looked up to for life answers, that he could do no wrong, and for that he lived by his own set of rules. He wore a beard and long hair so that his weaknesses would not be detectable. He thought he was almighty, rough, trough and unbreakable, but in actuality, he was as fragile as a china doll in a Hurricane. As a small child the man would leave me alone in his truck, when we delivered wood to his customers, during the darkness of the cold and bitter winter New England nights, as he embraced the forbidden passions he desired while in the homes of other woman. The man's temper was of no set pattern, and when mother stepped out for some time to herself, the man would express his range through physical and emotional abuse. But still mother didn't know and I still never told a soul. The man would come around for birthdays and holidays during his busy work days.  He would buy expensive gifts to compensate for the time he was never home with us and the long nights without word if he was OK or not. Buying gifts was the only way he could show love. He would stay at these events with all our family and guests, but like clockwork every year, the phone would ring and he would leave for some unknown destination, which only I knew about...so I thought. I was unaware that numerous community members and customers knew of the man's wrong doings, but feared him just as much as I. To me, I knew that what the man was doing was wrong and that someone should tell my mother, but remembering the man's words silenced me until I was grown and gone from my childhood home more than 20 years later. My mother eventually learned of what the man was doing and asked for a divorce, yet he vowed to change...a change that would never present itself and they soon would part ways. As years passed other forms of fear began to manifest as triggers would bring the thoughts of the little girl into the present day.  I fear death due to the passing of friends and relatives. I fear the unknown, I fear being replaced and the worst fear of fears - being alone. To try to protect both the woman in me and the young little girl who reside within one soul, I found that if I could control a situation, I would not have to risk feeling the emotional pain that could come from it, such as my kids getting hurt if I let them ride their bikes outside the yard.  I feared them getting hit by a car. The fear of flying, as the only control I had was to get on or off the plane, after that my travel was in the hands of the man or woman behind the controls. My health is what I fear in the future. I am 15 years remission from cancer, but told it could always return. As I learn to deal with my fears I am learning to remain aware of any controlling mannerisms I may try to display. I am relieved to know that I never did anything dire, for example; I never told anyone what they could and couldn't do.  I never kept anyone against their will and I never told a lie to alter a situation. However what I have done since  the man died two years ago, I lost my control within to shed away my layers of silent hate, anger and rage because I was never given to ability to find closure with what had happened to the little girl inside of me. The little girl that I hide inside still waits for an answer, to a question that will never be answered - Daddy, do you love me? 

Righting My Wrongs

I sit here troubled this morning and wonder, what would you do in the name of love for your child/children?  If you saw them on a path of wrongs, would you try to right them...ok or atleast some of them? What if your child/children decided that the best respect they could show you, is none...would you accept that or continue to teach why respect is vital, not just for one's parents, but for all the people? Do you have a child or children that justs tone you out on a daily basis? I'm sure we all do now and again. While everyone out there that has or has had children, have their own methods of parenting, I am sure many of my questions could have been the very same questions that danced inside your thoughts while parenting. Yet, how would you feel if you realized that what was happening in your life now was because of something years ago?

I saw a quote by Christina Ricci, in a magazine the other day that really hit home, "You have to make a decision that you're not going to be crippled by your insecurities". She is so right and I have done just that. Here is my story of parental awakening.

Becoming a new mother while undergoing cancer treatments was a challenge. It was up to me to keep the home front going why my husband endured long hours at work to make financial ends meet. I had the baby stuff and the house wife stuff, for the most part, down to a science until I let fear of the unknown get its grips on me. It didn't matter if it was health related, people related, life related, I felt like a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. My biggest worry...ok fear, was that my children would be hurt or get hurt as they grew from the infants that came home from the hospital to young men, to young adults. I guess one could say, because of that intense fear - I sheltered them. Yikes, I've actually said it, wow there it is in print and to read and see it has moved me to tears. I have made it public, one of my many flaws that I am willing to take responsiblity for.  I had to start somewhere.

I let my own insecurities of the bad in the world, the unknown dangers, and feelings that I had, to constantly protect them, take full control. This is my belief as to why I feel they lack some life and social skills.  But it doesn't stop there. I also wanted them to look at me as the best mom in the world, what mother doesn't want that feeling, and they would always cherrish and love me. So why did this mom think this way - because she did everything for them. I created a world where they have been living like little kings. I was always picking up after them when they should have been learning to pick up their own things. Getting their laundry out of their rooms for them, when they should have been getting the laundry in the hamper for me. fighting their battles for them, ok and at times protecting them when there should have been consequences and the list goes on and on and on. I feel that by doing all these things and so much more for them, they never learned responsiblity and to respect themselves.  I've always heard if you don't love yourself, you can't love others, and I can say the same for respect, if you don't have respect for yourself, your home and/or your things, how can you be respectful for other people and their things?

So with all this opening up on my part and sharing my struggles within, where am I going with all of this? My boys need to understand that what I do and say as a parent now, is not out of hate, it is out of love. They run to their dad, hoping to over throw the Queen, by going to the King playing him against her. So the first important lesson now - The King and Queen are now comparing stories and that lies will get one nowhere.

For one, I have two years, and the other, four years, to correct my wrongs and to instill years worth of teaching into a short time frame. To the outside world, not to many know the new challeges we are facing as parents of two teenage boys. Right now I am the bad guy in the eyes of my older son, and I can safely say he is cussing the ground I walk on, because of the new life lessons being implemented. The second important lesson, my husband and I are a team, No means no, and if we ask you do to something, it will be when we ask, not when it is convenient.  My youngest son is a very quick learner, guess we caught it in time. (smile). The oldest is like trying to break a young stallion that has been so used to his word as being the "My Way World". 

It was just last night that I finally talked with my oldest son as a young adult and not a young man. Words of advice, if you want your kids to listen, put them in the car with you and drive around. In a car your voice is buffed, less annoying than a house that echoes. A drive home from an event last night, I finally admitted to him that I take full responsibilty as to why he does what he does. That I have learned that he needs important life skills to venture out into this huge mass called life. That he needs to be mind full that he is almost 18 and life will change for him both dramatically and drastically. Things he says and things he does could have either a postivie or a negative impact. He will now also have to be exceptionally mindful of his behaviors around the young ladies. I think this was a lot for him to take in and yes I am sure I am the bad guy this morning, but I have to start somewhere on this issue too. Yes I know that both my kids will make mistakes, that is how they will learn. But they will also learn that I will speak up when I'm told to stand back. Will they tone me out? Yep, I am almost sure of it, but in my heart of hearts, I won't have any future regret for not taking a stand in trying to steer my kids to stay on the right path. I know someday soon they will be on their own, and they are going to do what they want to do and will come to me when they need a friend or guidance, but for now I am not their friend - I am their mother and I am the only mother they have in this world! I will say and do things they are not going to like, and they are not going to understand what it was I am trying to do, for a very long time or mabye after I am long gone.  

So, my dear boys, if you see this someday or your friends tell you...wow you made your mothers blog today, please know - You two and your dad are the reasons why I get up in the morning. My intensions are filled with only love and what is best for all of you, all of us as a family. Why I struggle in this dreery economy to do my part to help make our financial ends meet. You are the reasons why I chose and still choose to live. To sum it up in the three most important words in the world - "I LOVE YOU!" and I always will.

A Nation Mourns: Tribute to the hero's and victims of 9/11 - We will never forget.

This is an excerpt that comes from my book entitled:
copyright 2011

"Through the Barracks Window: A Time of Waves"

Written by: Stacey L. Bolin

Chapter Thirty-Five

"A Nation Mourns"

During this horrendous moment, I felt the same irritability and the sense of loss that had come over me daily during the past few weeks.  This was a place that had a special meaning in my heart from a past point in my life.  Now it was at the mercy of nature’s feared fury, fire.

In 1984, my mother and I embarked on a Christmas show and shop bus tour of New York City.  One of the highlights of our trip, going to the Windows of the World indoor observation area to view the City from high a top of the World Trade Center.  I got many pictures so that I could relive the amazement of standing at the top of one of the largest buildings in the world.  It was then my mother and I bonded into friendship, from what was a mother daughter relationship. It was a time that has always kept a special place in my heart.  I had hoped to have enjoyed a moment like this with my own children one day.

I watched, in disbelief, the black smoke billow from the outside of the buildings.

“Put the fire out!  Put the fire out!”  I yelled at the television over and over.

Then a view from the Pentagon appeared.  Slowly it was being reported that these crashes were intentional and were acts of terrorists.  I changed the channel.  Something kept my focus on waiting to see more of what was happening in New York.  Before my eyes, I saw the explosion of the second tower and the endless replay of a second plane crashing into it.

“Both towers of the World Trade Center have been hit by aircraft, both are in flames.  There is black smoke coming from both of the towers.” paused a female reporter, trying to find the words, “Ah…ah…it’s a horrific scene here, debris is flying through the air.  Clearly this is not an accident.  Officially this is an act of a terrorist.  We now have reports of a fire at the pentagon, clearly not an accident.  The F.B.I. is now investigating a report of a plane high-jacking before the crashes at the World Trade Center this morning.  We will keep you posted as more information is provided.”

Not only the events of what was taking place were being televised, nothing had a chance to be edited.  It was all being broadcasted live.  Before the Nations eyes, people were seen jumping to their death.  As I stood there, tears, streamed from my eyes.  Then suddenly, I was breathless.  Again I could see the floor joints, people standing in the stairwell.  Screams of terror engulfed my thoughts as razor sharp chills raced throughout my body.  I knew it then, these towers – they’re going to fall. 

What madness!  A form of torture for those inside!  A LIVING HELL!  WHY!  How long will these buildings remain standing?  God!  Please make these thoughts go away.  PLEASE!  HELP THESE PEOPLE TO SAFETY!  How long would God make them wait, before he would come to take so many innocent lives home with him?  Would the people get out?  People in the elevators, GET THEM OUT!

I was lost in the surrealism of what had been about an hour since I had first turned on the television.

“It wasn’t happening, it was a sick joke!”  I thought as I remembered the special report on the death of Princess Diana.  We were watching Saturday Night Life when a special report aired.  It was just ironic timing that it fell during one of their mock news skits.  Don and I could not believe that SNL would air such a sick joke.  Much to our surprise, the joke was on us as the footage went on for more than then minutes and other stations were also airing the auto accident she was involved in.  Sadly, we realized that what we were seeing had actually happened.

The screams of the news anchors snapped me back to focus on the events taking place.  The south tower was buckling at the point of impact.  At a great rate of speed it crumbled to the ground, taking the lives that may still be inside.

“OH MY GOD! NO, NO!”  I screamed at the top of my lungs.

“A situation that started bad just gets worse and worse.”  Were the words spoken by another reporter just after the south tower had fallen.  “The World Trade Center south tower, which was hit by a plane, followed by an explosion approximately an hour ago, has collapsed.  If you are just joining us this morning, you are in for a horrific surprise…”

On my radio, a similar report, “Just minutes ago the South Tower of the World Trade Center collapsed to the ground.  One tower is standing at this point.  Although there’s no report on casualties, the loss of life is presumably profound.”

It was not long after, the second tower soon followed suit and it too, took with it mothers, fathers, policemen, firemen, brothers and sisters and so many more.  The news reported that the plane crash in Pennsylvania was also part of a terrorist act to crash into what they believed to be the White House or the Capital building.  All air traffic was being grounded until further notice.  When they began to mention the safety of children located in the near-by childcare center close to the World Trade Center, I yelled out. “MY BOYS!  I NEED TO GET MY BOYS!”

I rushed to the phone to call Don at work to inform him of the events that were taking place.

“That explains the big boom that I heard earlier.” He said, still trying to make sense of what was taking place.

“I thought it odd that everyone I passed on the highway, as I made my delivery, was on a cell phone.”

“Don, I have to get the kids, come home…PLEASE come home!  I love you.”

“I love you to, I’ll get home as fast as I can, don’t worry.  You just worry about keeping yourself and the kids safe.”

Since my cancer diagnosis, I had mastered a new skill.  When faced with a major crisis, I can be as strong as steel, as well as, calm, cool, collected and stress free.  The little things, it’s best to drug me up, put me in a straight jacket in a rubber room and throw away the key.

Without a second thought I had turned everything off in the house, and was out the door.  I immediately rushed down the porch steps, got in my car and made my way to the school.  If something catastrophic was going to happen, I was going to have my babies with me, no matter what!

The school lobby and office was filled with terrified people experiencing mass confusion.  Parents and guardians had the same maternal instinct, wanting to get the children home.  I have to give credit to the faculty and staff of Germantown Elementary School.  They to, handled the situation with ease.  Calmly and effectively, you would have thought they had been training for this day, for years.

Still being some-what connected with the military, we had always been told that in the event of an emergency on a grand scale, we were to report to the base.

My thoughts on that idea, “A military installation was the last place to be.”

My children could sense that there was something terrible wrong as we made our way out of the school. 

“Mommy, why are there so many people at my school today?” Dillan said.  You could see that he was feeling a bit nervous.

“Mommy just wants you both to come home early today.”

“I heard something was on fire.” said Dallas trying to repeat a conversation he had overheard between some parents in the hall near his locker.

On the way home, I tried to explain without scaring either of them, “Something had happened that hurt a lot of people.”  They were accepting of this explanation for the time being.

We got back to the house and I had the kids put a movie into the VCR so that they didn’t have to see first-hand what was happening.  It seems that every television channel was reporting on the events that were taking place.  Don called to establish a plan, that in the event of an evacuation I would meet him at a specific location.  His preference was to head west.  Our rendezvous point would be just a location we know well in West Virginia.

As I hung up the phone, I flashed back to a night that I was awoken from or horrific dream.   In my dream I am walking through the hallway of our home here in Maryland.  I find my way to my bedroom to where my husband is sleeping very peacefully.  I slowly sit down on the edge of my side of the bed.  I look up to see a bright white flash.  “I love you” I say out loud to my kids and husband as things are being blown away.  I felt no pain and the only one sound, my voice saying good-bye.  To this day, I refuse to change my furniture around in my room, in the same way that it was in my dream.  I guess this is my way of thinking that I can harness any future events of mass destruction.

I quickly shrugged the images of the dream.

“No!  This can’t happen!” I said quietly to myself.

My thoughts were filled with so many fears and questions, but nothing spoke out-loud to scare my boys.

I am so angry, just kick ass and take names later.  They had no right to do this to America!  What have we done to deserve this!  Life will no longer be as it once was.  Don please, come home to us.  My Children, what does the future hold for them?  I should call my mother.  Should I pack a bag if we have to evacuate?  Where is a safe place?  Is my grandmother ok?  Is my mother ok?

I was entirely numb with no sense of what my next move should be.  It was the voice of my younger son, Dillan, asking for a cookie, which helped me refocus.  Throughout the day, I listened to reports that came over a low volume radio in the kitchen.  All the information, still the same, it was indeed terrorism and the death totals would be in the thousands.  Don finally walked through the back door at about 4:30pm.  It was only then I let part of my guard down.  The boys did not hear him come through the door.  That was probably a good thing as I desperately needed to just hold him.  His reason for being later than he’d hoped was that the traffic was backed up.  Everyone, I’m sure, was trying to get home to their loved ones.  I went towards him and fell into his arms as the strength within me fell apart.  I finally felt safe as he held me close.  Hearing him say that everything is going to be fine, comforting.  Yet all the strength that I had built up during my cancer treatments and life experiences in the military could have never prepared me for this day.  I feared that it was inevitable that our country would go to war.  Life, as we knew it, was going to change forever.

“But did this mean that Don could be reactivated?” I shuttered to think of the possibility.

While changing their movie, the kids had seen on the television the collapse of the World Trade Center, but were unaware that this was live.  To them it was just another movie with special effects.  When they were finally aware that Don was home from work, they quickly told us of what they had seen.

“Daddy, you know what, we saw a big building fall down in the smoke.” said four year old Dillan.

“It was just a movie.” replied our older son Dallas, nonchalantly.

Don sat down and tried to explain that what they had seen on the television was not a movie.  Some bad people were the ones who had done this to these buildings.  We made it very clear, to both of them, that they never speak to strangers and if something goes on at school they are to listen to the teacher’s instructions.  That we would get to them as soon as we could if something were to go wrong.  They were happy with this explanation and as if nothing ever happened, asked their dad to come and wrestle with them.  They showed no signs of worry, but then again, being as young as they were, I think that is what protected their minds from harm. 

Life for my friend Edward and his family drastically changed on September 11, 2001 and the days to follow.  What were once Police badges that were being sewn onto uniforms of blue were now military badges being sewn on khaki colored shirts, pants and jackets. What he thought were just a few more years in the reserves, were immediately changed to full active duty.  He was called on 9/11 at 11:30pm and told to report to his unit at 5:00am the next morning.  He worked at Andrews Air Force Base as a Security Controller (Dispatcher) on the midnight shift until October 22, 2001.  He was then sent over to Bolling Air Force Base in Washington, D.C., his new assignment, Assistant Flight Chief.

During these new and additional duties, this disrupted his family life and duties with local law enforcement, was a constant worry on the minds of all.  Would his unit be sent overseas to enforce our homeland security?  On August 19, 2002, fears became reality as he and his unit embarked on their Journey to Saudi Arabia.  I feared that if he going to be sent, then the Seabees could recall Don and Frank to do another tour in Saudi Arabia, even if they had already gone.  That was something I had feared for a very long time, and was relieved as the years passed one by one and the call never came.

While Edward was overseas, Patricia and I got to know each other very well and became great friends.  My prayers were always said for Edward and Patricia, as they walked the journey of his military duty to fight and defend our great nation and to rid the world of terrorism.   My prayer also went out nightly to our military men and woman of our armed forces.

May God bless you and keep you safe from harm.  We will prevail.

***

I am happy to report that Edward came home and he eventually got to enjoy his retirement day from the armed forces. Today he is still employed with the Annapolis Police Department, and lives with his beautiful wife, Patricia, here in Annapolis.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=J3eQmzw6n3k

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rdzuY8R3_r4

The Dieters Nightmare

Fun with Food and Fiction

Written by Stacey L. Bolin

Friday, April 30, 2010
Revised, Thursday August 11, 2011

The darkness of the grocery store wrapped around me, my feet, cold, as I walked barefoot across the tiled floor. There was not a soul to be found.  I was all alone. The air felt think and heavy with moisture as I tried to control the fear in my breathing. I kept moving forward, following the unknown sounds. In my mind, I was on the verge of remembering, but the images would not come to me. The sounds - familiar. Snapping, popping, and at times....munching, followed by the distant sound of thunder. I continued to move forward with mixed emotions,

"What was it? Why did this all feel so familiar to me? Why was I scared? What was down there waiting for me?"

As I got closer to the sounds, I began to hear whispers, saying my name over and over. "Stacey, come to us, we're over here. Come to us."

Suddenly a bright light shown over me and I was surrounded, but surrounded by what? When I looked down, I couldn't believe what I was seeing,

"Say it wasn't so" I thought.

I was surrounded by hundreds of fruits and vegetables from isle one, they were trying to keep me from making that last fateful step into isle six - The Snack Zone. The chips and cookies were threatening to spoil any fruit or vegetable that got in their way. It was a fight between good and bad.

Trembling and confused I screamed out, "What do I do?"

I only had to ask this question once, for I knew the answer - "Will power, I was going to be good."

I then leaned down and picked up a red delicious apple, then took a bite to make the fear and the cravings for chewy, sugary, chocolaty, high calorie, bad for me and my backside, snacks, quickly go away. Yes, I had done it. I had made the right decision.

Now I am not sure, but I think I heard the apple scream out..."Save yourselves! Go back to produce!  this gal is HUNGRY!"

When I finally woke up, I was still in my bed with no signs that I had raided the snack cabinet in our kitchen.  Phew! I was safe from that Supermarket horror and intense cravings, but how long will it last? I wonder?

My First Exclusive Book Interview

I woke up like it was any other Tuesday morning, but today was going to be different. It was now my turn to step in front of the camera and let my light shine.  I was not new to the Annapolis Television studio, and myself and the host of the show - Rhonda Wardlaw, well let's just say we get along great. She was the one that helped me get my first break into reporting on air.  When I worked for our location police department, I enjoyed going on television as the city's temporary Public Information Officer, but it didn't stop there. I was asked to promote various programs we had to offer, in my Community Service Unit that I worked in, such as Neighborhood Watch, Watch Your Car, Victim Services, and the biggest one, National Night Out, which included the program I created: The McGruff and Me art Contest. Check out my link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-jiSAjunDNk


Yep, that was me, about a year ago. Hair a bit shorter now, and I am 108lbs thinner. *Big Smile*  The art work that is displayed behind me as I spoke, is what my oldest son created, when he was in 5th grade. He is now in High School. So as you see, I should be no stranger to sitting in front of the camera and doing what I do best...talk. As my husband says I need a shirt that says "I'm talking and I can't shut up."  Don't tell him, but yes, sometimes he can be right. Shhhhh that is our secret. If he new I said he was right, I'll never hear the end of it. 


I arrived at the studio on time, and was dressed to impress, but suddenly I felt the tickle of butterflies in my stomach, go to a crazy mob of Halloween bats. 
"What is my problem" I kept thinking to myself trying to make it look as if all was cool and calm with me.  Inside, the word faint kept coming to mind. Then I realized what the problem was, It was not just me going solo in front of the camera to read a teleprompter, this time I was being interviewed, something I feared the most and would never do as a Public Information Officer.  I would leave that job up to the real Officers to do.


They got the set put together, and then I was asked to come sit in a chair.
I began to feel a sense of Panic rush threw me as my mind became consumed with more irratic thoughts. 
"No table to hide my waist line, no table to hide the tapping of my foot, no table to place my hands...my hands, what will I do with my hands?"
I was so worried about my hands, but really, I knew I was just plain nervous. The camera man got my microphone attached to my dress and began to do sound checks.  I kept reminding myself to breath, in 1,2,3, out, 1,2,3...So far so good and then...Rhonda come over and got herself ready to being. It was time, no looking back.


She was flawless, as always...myself, I am sure I looked a mess. The hardest part was when my lips started to stick to my teeth, as the fear of this interview was hiking my body temperature up and up and up. Then suddenly...I felt a case of the giggles wanting to overcome me. 
"Not now, please not now" I kept thinking as I was trying to answer the questions. It felt so much better when she would laugh. I took that time as an opportunity to let my giggle bug out, without looking like a total nerd.


She made the interview so relaxing, that by the end of it all, I was actually telling viewers to report suspicious activity in their area, just like I had done all those years when I was organizing Neighborhood Watch programs for communities all over our city. I guess I can say, deep down I'll always be that make you smile comedian that I also dream of being. Now all that is left, is the review. I guess I'll know how I did in a few days. But with Rhonda Wardlaw putting this together...I know it will be fantastic. But my next biggest worry, lets just hope the camera guy made me look thin and beautiful. I need all the help I can get. *Smile*  Until next time, be safe and if you see anything in your community that looks suspicious, call your local police department and report it, not only could you be saving a life...you just might be saving your own.