"So I Could Find My Way" by Stacey L. Bolin

My hands are trembling as I find the ability to write once again, it's like riding a bike, you never forget. The sounds of the keyboard clicking beneath my fingers brings a comforting feeling like a hug from that special person you haven't seen in years. Since my travels that took me from my home of 22 years, I fell off the face of the earth in the world of writing.  My love for writing had soured. I won't lie, never have, and won't start now. I was so FUCKEN angry!! I could spit nails every time I opened my mouth. I was pissed off that my home was now occupied by anyone other than my family. I loved my home, I loved my life, and all I wanted was my husband and boys with me. I also lived with a sense of peace by having all my doctors so close...I felt safe. Yet, all that safety was ripped from me when the one person I needed the most told me he didn't love me at the time. He had been mislead for years, with the biggest lie being that life would be better when he moved back to the west. The only thing I will say is that the reality of that painted wonderful life lasted only six months. In December his soul that believed all things were good and kind had been destroyed and had to be rebuilt once again, but I'll get back to that.

For years I honestly thought I was invincible, nothing could hurt me, or at least I could pretend it didn't when in actuality, I had transformed into a clinical case of what I like to call the Hollow Bunny syndrome, Solid on the outside, empty and dark on the inside and so deeply saddened. My sugar coated hope was to transition into a new life in a remote location on a Ranch to rent that was located in a place called Rocky Hollow, that my husband had found only three days before selling our home. It was a relief to know I finally knew we had a place to rest our head and I hoped from what I had seen from google earth, a place to call home until the next move.  Life in Rocky Hollow was like being a part of the Wonderful World of Disney shows that were televised on Sunday nights. It reminded me of my favorite documentary that had been about the life of the cougar. It was like living on a Disney set that was an animal reservation, and I was in love with the feeling of peace that consumed me soon as we drove down into the Hollows. It was everything I envisioned at the age of 9 of what the wild west would and should be like.  When we pulled into the driveway I was overjoyed that the world up on the prairie lands no longer existed in my mind. We were nestled within the trees and rocky hills. It was a dream come true and all was wonderful until my husband went back to work. For the first few months I did all I could to convince myself that all was right in the world, but day by day my intuition was screaming in the back of my mind and one day I decided to act upon this feeling and discovered on August 3, 2016 a negative element found its way into our lives again, or better yet had not been dealt with as I had been promised, but neither of us had the strength to put it in its place and it set a ticking health bomb that was waiting to explode.

My days were filled with a whole new set of challenges with the most worrisome being when the health bomb eventually went off and I had a heart attack in September 2016. A nurses honest words still haunt... noticing that my ER doctors bedside manner sucked, she provided some words of guidance, she was calm as she told me that I was very sick and if my younger son had not been with me to see the signs and if I sign myself out of the hospital, because I'm so goddamn stubborn... they would been planning my funeral that following Tuesday. Talk about shake some sense into a person, a sense that was also laced with sheer fear and that non-stop want to runaway. I'm not proud of myself when I say I let fear take control and I left my home in Rocky Hollow, on Oct 5th, 2016. I left my husband, I left my boys, I left everything behind with no plans to return. 

My husband took me to the airport and I did my best to  conceal any emotion that I was broken, and as scary as it sounds, he had no idea I was leaving and he was the only person who could fix the problem if he wanted me back.  It was later, in my travels, that I learned that I had just as much fixing to do with myself. I hugged him and gave him a quick kiss then turned and walked away. I was leaving the man of my dreams. The one who had stepped into my sleeping dreams on that cool winter night in November of 1988 the man in the red van that needed my help. I had only bought a one way ticket to NH to see my mother and then my plans were to go back to Annapolis to see my friends before veering off into a new and unknown world that left me feeling old, cold and alone.

Being back in New Hampshire was bittersweet. I was home, but I carried an emptiness along with my luggage while my husband and boys were living their lives back in Nebraska. As I drove, I began the long journey of self discovery. What had I done to those around me, what had I said, but all I could feel was the reactions of being angry to things that were of no control of mine. That I had made so many promises...AND KEPT THEM ALL! But those who had made promises to me didn't keep them. I needed to find the woman I was before I went into the service and the woman that fought a battle with cancer and survived, the woman who stood up to a bullies, that believed in the power within herself, the woman that would do anything to help someone, the woman who was caring, loving, and compassionate.  The woman who had built herself a small company and loved art. Yet the most important lesson that needed to be figured out...how to find the woman within me who loved herself again, because she knows you have to learn to love yourself before you can honestly love another.

My mother and I spent much needed quality time together, something we had not done in years. She had always been my rock, and this time wasn't any different, she set me straight and what I needed to do to be the woman she knew that lived inside me. It was a great feeling to have a sense of confidence back as I worked feverishly on an order of Crystal snowflakes for a wedding. This was to be my first order since I had temporarily shut my business down during the move. For the three and a half weeks I was there, I had completed the order and felt accomplished. My husband and I had as many phone conversations as his over the road trucking job, without much time off, would allow us. As we shared phone calls with each other into the wee hours of the night at times, I felt myself going back in time, back too 1992 when my mother lived in Hillsboro, NH, and when my Seabee guy decided to fly to New Hampshire to get Married on May 6th.  I felt like that gitty young twenty something girl falling in love all over again. Something was changing inside me that I had never felt before. I was finally letting go of many years of sadness, I was learning that the only person that had control over my happiness was me. It was then I discovered I still loved him, maybe even more than I had thought. I decided that the past was the past and if I wanted things to work out, we had to get back to the place that we were when we met. Baby step...but we've gone through worse. On October 18th, I had decided I was not up for the long drive to Annapolis, and hopped a Southwest flight to Baltimore. I was a bit over confident, how hard could it be to go back and see all my friends and  do a follow up with my doctor. With my new found independence, I believed that going back to Annapolis would be a piece of cake...I WAS SO SO WRONG.

Not a lot of people know that I suffer from Anxiety/PTSD that can result in panic attacks that are so sever that the best of inhalers can't stop the effect and before you know it, you're in the ER. As the plane landed, I was relatively calm, and the sights outside the airplane window found comfort within my subconscious as a feeling that I was home. I was in complete denial that I had ever left and that my family was home waiting for me in Annapolis. I was so excited to see them. To sit out on our deck and listen to the sounds of the city. Karma was about to hit me with everything it had. When I got off the plane and made my way to the rental car transportation pick-up point, something immediately changed, something was horribly wrong and it was at that moment I felt so alone. I took a selfie of me smiling and sent it to my friend Radene, trying to hide the panic that was trying to consume my ability to function. Questions by the thousands hit me like a load of brinks. All revolving around the same topic that I was there and my family wasn't.

I got my rental car and headed for Annapolis. As I merged with the evening rush hour traffic, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, I was lost both mentally and physically. What seemed like hours trying to get out of the airport location and back to the highways I knew and had driven for 20 plus years, The only place I managed to get to was the Walmart on Quarterfield road.  I sat in the parking lot suffering from a total melt down as I was faced with a sinking feeling that the reality I was facing was that I no longer had a place to go home too  in Annapolis. Our little Blue Rancher on Boxwood Road no longer belonged to us. WHAT HAD I DONE! I hadn't only given up my home, I was giving up my family, but for what? The past, old memories that I can look through pictures and enjoy. As I sat alone weeping for the past, and wanting to know what my future was, I completely gave myself  for the first time to god and asked him for a sign. Immediately my phone rang, it was my husband. I know he didn't understand me as I let myself cry without worry who would hear or see me. He got me calmed down and suggested it may be better to stay in a different hotel rather than the one he and I used to stay at when we wanted a hot tub fix. I agreed and I got a room on the Naval Base. I'm glad I did. While I stayed on the base, I realized what I wanted and what I needed to do to get my life back. One by one my husband and my boys realized that the lies that I had been accused of creating were not of my doing I was just the prime target so they would see me in a different light, again I thank the good lord that they are seeing and hearing first hand I was not the liar they were led to believe I was. It's still difficult for them to accept what and who are the real problems and the players, but day by day, the behaviors of others are showing their true colors. Part of this is the reason my husband decided to leave his job to regroup, the other reason I am not at liberty to share. I know he has dreams of owning his own business and I know as a family we will make all our dreams come true. I'm so proud of him and my boys and together we will keep that CAN-DO spirit that drives us forward.

Another wonderful moment was when I discovered my intuition had finally come back full steam and I've added a little something more to the me I want to be. I thank both my therapists who have finally helped me see that I am not allowed to take on other peoples problems. My new belief is that when people do you wrong, you ask for an apology and move on. never let anyone blame you for their unhappiness, lies, and bad choices. I chose to be a kind, loving, understanding, honest, compassionate, and trustworthy person, but I also chose not to hold on to what hurts me or to take blame for what is not mine and to teach myself that once a person/s loose my trust, it may never come back and that too is not my problem. I will take care of problems immediately and if I did something wrong I take responsibility and apologize. I will protect my family from those who intentionally seek out to hurt them, emotionally, verbally, physically, and financially. My family knows exactly what is expected of them and what I expect out of myself.  I will hold people accountable for their negative actions and I am no longer any body's personal punching bag because of their life choices, AND I WON'T BE BLAMED FOR SHIT I DIDN'T SAY OR DO! No more!

Anyways, as for my stay in Annapolis, it was cut short to five days, as I realized it was time for me to get back to my family. I am thankful that I was able to spend some time with my friend Radene and Paula (Miss you ladies), but my instinct told me it was time for me to go home and regain control over my life and make my business everything I dream it can be. To be the wife, best friend and lover that I had always been, just got lost but now found. To be the mother my boys can come to and know that I will guide them the best way I know how, but that their choices in life is exactly that...their choices. It is still so hard to believe that I had been gone for almost five weeks and at the beginning of those weeks I had just about given up on everything and everyone I loved, but it really makes me step back and take a look at my life. I can see clearly now that obviously this is where I am supposed to be, Here on the Ranch where I now call home. Business is doing great, my dreams to open up an art studio to teach art and ceramics to Veterans is still kinda on hold until we figure out where to put our new roots in the ground, but that hasn't stopped me instead I teach art classes at a great place called Laura Lee's Double L Country Store and Café. in Harrisburg, NE.

As life does, it's given me another challenge and I have another pending medical issue that has come upon me, but this time I'm not afraid to ask for love and prayers from friends and family, and I welcome my name placed upon the prayer tree. I'll know more in a few days, and if all else, maybe this is another reason I chose this day to put my hands upon my keyboards and let my words appear once again. Now before I forget, I have something else to share about the changes in my life....

And it's the best news of all, my kids are doing great and  hold on to your hats folks... my husband and I are going to be Grandparents. WOOT! WOOT! Can't think of a better reason to start writing again. Life is all about ups and downs, but as long as you're with the people that you love and love you, you can take the good and the bad of what life dishes out and overcome. Stay Positive My Friends and gonna keep this promise too...I will Blog ya later.

"Be On The Lookout"

17 Days until Halloween

"My son and his Ghoul Friends"

As many of us prepare for the upcoming Halloween traditions, I find myself being pulling in several directions which often leads me to leave things incomplete; take my blogging for example. I am doing the best to write every day, but my weekends are not forgiving when it comes to needing my time to write.  As you know, my family and I have been volunteers for our local Halloween Haunt for the past ten years. But something happened this year that none of the haunted barn and hay ride ghouls ever expect - This year we all got the green light to change our scene's 100%.  So here is my question of the day - What happens when you tell about two dozen very creative extreme Halloween lovers they can change their scare tactics?  You get a house that is guaranteed to completely scare all those who dare to enter through its doors. Four about six years I had always obtained the back portion of our haunted house. I would always make the Meat Locker scene and a maze that resembled walking through very dimly lit catacombs that would take you past most people’s worst nightmare - Clowns. Another year I added a huge spiders den and a huge mystery box into the maze and locker scene. I just kept adding to what I had already created, never changing the original design that I had started with. I guess you could say I was becoming very complacent in where and what my scenes would be. The best way to describe my thinking - I wished for change, but at the same time, feared it as the set up each year was easy because I knew it very well. It would usually take about four days and I would be done and then wait for opening night.

This year, our Queen of Haunt did something like non-other. Her exact words were, "I WANT THIS HAUNTED BARN AND HAUNTED HAY RIDE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THIS YEAR -MAKE IT HAPPEN!"  What made me think that I was exempt from this change is beyond me. It was a phone call from a very close friend that snapped my complacency into a huge reality check. All I remember hearing was myself repeating what she had told me, but with sheer fear wrapped tightly around my words - "They moved my maze to the front of the building!?" Immediately my brain began to shake rattle and roll with crazed thoughts slamming back and forth in my head. How could I do it? I have no place to attach the walls too! I'm going to have to build it free standing!? It won't work! It won't look right! I am certain that my friend heard the panic in my voice, but she had enough on her mind and with great ease simply said to me, "You'll figure it out, I know you will."

Usually that helps calm my mind down, but not this time. I was in for a massive change and feared that I would let the Queen of the Halloween Happening down. After having three days to ponder in my head what my scene would look like, I was still unable to envision it in my mind without going there in person to take measurements and make myself begin to think outside the box I was hiding in. It was only then, and the endless help from my husband, did my inner creative self-slap the negative Nelly out of my thinking for good.  Today, after two days of working diligently on my new creations, I am able to stand back and honestly feel that this may be the best creation I have thought up, that includes a whole new maze, unknown scares have been incorporated, and the best part, this will require a new tour guide costume for me. WAA WHOO!!!! You will not only be taken into the biggest Halloween thrill in Annapolis - You'll be entering the best Anne Arundel County Fair Halloween Happening event, you'll be entering;

"ADAM'S NIGHTMARE"   

One can only hope that the nightmare won't haunt you in your dreams.

So I know that I had said that my hopes were to have my blog written every day for the month of October and that it would be Halloween Themed. Well I guess I can say I have kept part of my promise. I may have missed both the Saturdays so far in October, but everything I have put together for you, my loyal readers and new readers that may have just discovered my writing,  the main goal continues to remain – Halloween themed. I have been working very hard on two very special original writings that my editors have been very happy with thus far. My plans were to post a spooky story called “The Harvest Moon” last week, but have been asked to keep it for Halloween week to really shake things up. I love that people are writing to me about my stories all asking for me to write more. Well,  I am pleased to announce I will continue to post stories I receive and that I will have another one of my original scary stories posted this week that is titled; “The Sister’s Curse”.  So until tomorrow, I will let your eyes leave my page so that your mind can begin to wonder – “Is this blogger crazy or what?” I’ll answer that question tomorrow.  Goodnight All – Blog ya later. Hey and if I haven't said it lately. Thanks for reading my writings. It means so much me to see all the different countries that are seeing my words. I am truly grateful.  

From the Newsroom....

For the past two weeks I have been in training to become a news anchor for Sunday mornings and as a fill in for others who are out for various reasons. Now when I say two weeks, immediately people think, 80 hours of training, why wouldn’t they, as that is typically the norm when a person steps into a new job. I call it the probationary period. It gives the boss and the trainer’s time to reconsider if you’re the right person for the job.

Well for me, things were different. I didn't have to undergo hours of tedious training while a trainer would update me on all the negatives of the company. There was no gossip, no stress, no pressure, and they also had no doubt that I would be able to do this job.  I have done a total of 14 hours and today I was put behind the wheels for my first live news broadcast. I have provided the audio below. To know they felt that confident that I could do the job and to be put on the air so quickly and then I was out in the field to do an on scene report to call into the station to add to the news, I have two words to describe it -  LOVED IT! But what was hard for me to accept...that it was my voice on the radio. Do I really sound like that? I was stunned while at the same time I can’t even to being to describe how great this feeling was that I was live, on the air, reporting the news. I have no broadcasting experience, but when I love what I am doing, people know it and I will give it my full gusto. 

Now if I could only find that magic feeling when I’m cleaning the cat box or cleaning the cereal bowl of milk that didn’t make it to the kitchen sick for about a week. I think I need to be fitted for a respirator, don’t you?   So to sum up today and thoughts of the future in this field of work - I love what I have learned and have done so far.  The people there are so personable. and I already feel like I am part of a team. But with all this, I couldn't have done any of it without that  special person to guide my days from being fearful of the microphone to embrasing it.  Thank you so much Barbara! You’re awesome and I couldn't have learned all this so fast if not for you! Also I must send a shout out to a dear friend -  JD, who briefly exposed me to this industry 20 years ago, on a tiny island in Bering Sea during my days as a Seabee.

To my friend who sent me a nasty gram that I haven’t been providing her my semi-daily blog lately - relax sweetie, it’s going to be ok. Smile.  To all my newest and dedicated readers, don't worry, now that my training days are behind me, I will be back to blogging and will conquer my clutter cleaning quest once and for all with more photo updates. As much as I would love to write more, I hear the dishwasher calling and the rugs are screaming for a vacuuming. So until next time – ya’ll have a GRRREAT day and I'll blog ya later.

From the WNAV newsroom....I'm Stacey Bolin

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BAcBN1FUU5o&feature=share