"So I Could Find My Way" by Stacey L. Bolin

My hands are trembling as I find the ability to write once again, it's like riding a bike, you never forget. The sounds of the keyboard clicking beneath my fingers brings a comforting feeling like a hug from that special person you haven't seen in years. Since my travels that took me from my home of 22 years, I fell off the face of the earth in the world of writing.  My love for writing had soured. I won't lie, never have, and won't start now. I was so FUCKEN angry!! I could spit nails every time I opened my mouth. I was pissed off that my home was now occupied by anyone other than my family. I loved my home, I loved my life, and all I wanted was my husband and boys with me. I also lived with a sense of peace by having all my doctors so close...I felt safe. Yet, all that safety was ripped from me when the one person I needed the most told me he didn't love me at the time. He had been mislead for years, with the biggest lie being that life would be better when he moved back to the west. The only thing I will say is that the reality of that painted wonderful life lasted only six months. In December his soul that believed all things were good and kind had been destroyed and had to be rebuilt once again, but I'll get back to that.

For years I honestly thought I was invincible, nothing could hurt me, or at least I could pretend it didn't when in actuality, I had transformed into a clinical case of what I like to call the Hollow Bunny syndrome, Solid on the outside, empty and dark on the inside and so deeply saddened. My sugar coated hope was to transition into a new life in a remote location on a Ranch to rent that was located in a place called Rocky Hollow, that my husband had found only three days before selling our home. It was a relief to know I finally knew we had a place to rest our head and I hoped from what I had seen from google earth, a place to call home until the next move.  Life in Rocky Hollow was like being a part of the Wonderful World of Disney shows that were televised on Sunday nights. It reminded me of my favorite documentary that had been about the life of the cougar. It was like living on a Disney set that was an animal reservation, and I was in love with the feeling of peace that consumed me soon as we drove down into the Hollows. It was everything I envisioned at the age of 9 of what the wild west would and should be like.  When we pulled into the driveway I was overjoyed that the world up on the prairie lands no longer existed in my mind. We were nestled within the trees and rocky hills. It was a dream come true and all was wonderful until my husband went back to work. For the first few months I did all I could to convince myself that all was right in the world, but day by day my intuition was screaming in the back of my mind and one day I decided to act upon this feeling and discovered on August 3, 2016 a negative element found its way into our lives again, or better yet had not been dealt with as I had been promised, but neither of us had the strength to put it in its place and it set a ticking health bomb that was waiting to explode.

My days were filled with a whole new set of challenges with the most worrisome being when the health bomb eventually went off and I had a heart attack in September 2016. A nurses honest words still haunt... noticing that my ER doctors bedside manner sucked, she provided some words of guidance, she was calm as she told me that I was very sick and if my younger son had not been with me to see the signs and if I sign myself out of the hospital, because I'm so goddamn stubborn... they would been planning my funeral that following Tuesday. Talk about shake some sense into a person, a sense that was also laced with sheer fear and that non-stop want to runaway. I'm not proud of myself when I say I let fear take control and I left my home in Rocky Hollow, on Oct 5th, 2016. I left my husband, I left my boys, I left everything behind with no plans to return. 

My husband took me to the airport and I did my best to  conceal any emotion that I was broken, and as scary as it sounds, he had no idea I was leaving and he was the only person who could fix the problem if he wanted me back.  It was later, in my travels, that I learned that I had just as much fixing to do with myself. I hugged him and gave him a quick kiss then turned and walked away. I was leaving the man of my dreams. The one who had stepped into my sleeping dreams on that cool winter night in November of 1988 the man in the red van that needed my help. I had only bought a one way ticket to NH to see my mother and then my plans were to go back to Annapolis to see my friends before veering off into a new and unknown world that left me feeling old, cold and alone.

Being back in New Hampshire was bittersweet. I was home, but I carried an emptiness along with my luggage while my husband and boys were living their lives back in Nebraska. As I drove, I began the long journey of self discovery. What had I done to those around me, what had I said, but all I could feel was the reactions of being angry to things that were of no control of mine. That I had made so many promises...AND KEPT THEM ALL! But those who had made promises to me didn't keep them. I needed to find the woman I was before I went into the service and the woman that fought a battle with cancer and survived, the woman who stood up to a bullies, that believed in the power within herself, the woman that would do anything to help someone, the woman who was caring, loving, and compassionate.  The woman who had built herself a small company and loved art. Yet the most important lesson that needed to be figured out...how to find the woman within me who loved herself again, because she knows you have to learn to love yourself before you can honestly love another.

My mother and I spent much needed quality time together, something we had not done in years. She had always been my rock, and this time wasn't any different, she set me straight and what I needed to do to be the woman she knew that lived inside me. It was a great feeling to have a sense of confidence back as I worked feverishly on an order of Crystal snowflakes for a wedding. This was to be my first order since I had temporarily shut my business down during the move. For the three and a half weeks I was there, I had completed the order and felt accomplished. My husband and I had as many phone conversations as his over the road trucking job, without much time off, would allow us. As we shared phone calls with each other into the wee hours of the night at times, I felt myself going back in time, back too 1992 when my mother lived in Hillsboro, NH, and when my Seabee guy decided to fly to New Hampshire to get Married on May 6th.  I felt like that gitty young twenty something girl falling in love all over again. Something was changing inside me that I had never felt before. I was finally letting go of many years of sadness, I was learning that the only person that had control over my happiness was me. It was then I discovered I still loved him, maybe even more than I had thought. I decided that the past was the past and if I wanted things to work out, we had to get back to the place that we were when we met. Baby step...but we've gone through worse. On October 18th, I had decided I was not up for the long drive to Annapolis, and hopped a Southwest flight to Baltimore. I was a bit over confident, how hard could it be to go back and see all my friends and  do a follow up with my doctor. With my new found independence, I believed that going back to Annapolis would be a piece of cake...I WAS SO SO WRONG.

Not a lot of people know that I suffer from Anxiety/PTSD that can result in panic attacks that are so sever that the best of inhalers can't stop the effect and before you know it, you're in the ER. As the plane landed, I was relatively calm, and the sights outside the airplane window found comfort within my subconscious as a feeling that I was home. I was in complete denial that I had ever left and that my family was home waiting for me in Annapolis. I was so excited to see them. To sit out on our deck and listen to the sounds of the city. Karma was about to hit me with everything it had. When I got off the plane and made my way to the rental car transportation pick-up point, something immediately changed, something was horribly wrong and it was at that moment I felt so alone. I took a selfie of me smiling and sent it to my friend Radene, trying to hide the panic that was trying to consume my ability to function. Questions by the thousands hit me like a load of brinks. All revolving around the same topic that I was there and my family wasn't.

I got my rental car and headed for Annapolis. As I merged with the evening rush hour traffic, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, I was lost both mentally and physically. What seemed like hours trying to get out of the airport location and back to the highways I knew and had driven for 20 plus years, The only place I managed to get to was the Walmart on Quarterfield road.  I sat in the parking lot suffering from a total melt down as I was faced with a sinking feeling that the reality I was facing was that I no longer had a place to go home too  in Annapolis. Our little Blue Rancher on Boxwood Road no longer belonged to us. WHAT HAD I DONE! I hadn't only given up my home, I was giving up my family, but for what? The past, old memories that I can look through pictures and enjoy. As I sat alone weeping for the past, and wanting to know what my future was, I completely gave myself  for the first time to god and asked him for a sign. Immediately my phone rang, it was my husband. I know he didn't understand me as I let myself cry without worry who would hear or see me. He got me calmed down and suggested it may be better to stay in a different hotel rather than the one he and I used to stay at when we wanted a hot tub fix. I agreed and I got a room on the Naval Base. I'm glad I did. While I stayed on the base, I realized what I wanted and what I needed to do to get my life back. One by one my husband and my boys realized that the lies that I had been accused of creating were not of my doing I was just the prime target so they would see me in a different light, again I thank the good lord that they are seeing and hearing first hand I was not the liar they were led to believe I was. It's still difficult for them to accept what and who are the real problems and the players, but day by day, the behaviors of others are showing their true colors. Part of this is the reason my husband decided to leave his job to regroup, the other reason I am not at liberty to share. I know he has dreams of owning his own business and I know as a family we will make all our dreams come true. I'm so proud of him and my boys and together we will keep that CAN-DO spirit that drives us forward.

Another wonderful moment was when I discovered my intuition had finally come back full steam and I've added a little something more to the me I want to be. I thank both my therapists who have finally helped me see that I am not allowed to take on other peoples problems. My new belief is that when people do you wrong, you ask for an apology and move on. never let anyone blame you for their unhappiness, lies, and bad choices. I chose to be a kind, loving, understanding, honest, compassionate, and trustworthy person, but I also chose not to hold on to what hurts me or to take blame for what is not mine and to teach myself that once a person/s loose my trust, it may never come back and that too is not my problem. I will take care of problems immediately and if I did something wrong I take responsibility and apologize. I will protect my family from those who intentionally seek out to hurt them, emotionally, verbally, physically, and financially. My family knows exactly what is expected of them and what I expect out of myself.  I will hold people accountable for their negative actions and I am no longer any body's personal punching bag because of their life choices, AND I WON'T BE BLAMED FOR SHIT I DIDN'T SAY OR DO! No more!

Anyways, as for my stay in Annapolis, it was cut short to five days, as I realized it was time for me to get back to my family. I am thankful that I was able to spend some time with my friend Radene and Paula (Miss you ladies), but my instinct told me it was time for me to go home and regain control over my life and make my business everything I dream it can be. To be the wife, best friend and lover that I had always been, just got lost but now found. To be the mother my boys can come to and know that I will guide them the best way I know how, but that their choices in life is exactly that...their choices. It is still so hard to believe that I had been gone for almost five weeks and at the beginning of those weeks I had just about given up on everything and everyone I loved, but it really makes me step back and take a look at my life. I can see clearly now that obviously this is where I am supposed to be, Here on the Ranch where I now call home. Business is doing great, my dreams to open up an art studio to teach art and ceramics to Veterans is still kinda on hold until we figure out where to put our new roots in the ground, but that hasn't stopped me instead I teach art classes at a great place called Laura Lee's Double L Country Store and Café. in Harrisburg, NE.

As life does, it's given me another challenge and I have another pending medical issue that has come upon me, but this time I'm not afraid to ask for love and prayers from friends and family, and I welcome my name placed upon the prayer tree. I'll know more in a few days, and if all else, maybe this is another reason I chose this day to put my hands upon my keyboards and let my words appear once again. Now before I forget, I have something else to share about the changes in my life....

And it's the best news of all, my kids are doing great and  hold on to your hats folks... my husband and I are going to be Grandparents. WOOT! WOOT! Can't think of a better reason to start writing again. Life is all about ups and downs, but as long as you're with the people that you love and love you, you can take the good and the bad of what life dishes out and overcome. Stay Positive My Friends and gonna keep this promise too...I will Blog ya later.

What's Really in a Valentine...

 

 

 

Wow, so I learned a little something about the Internet. You have to maintain the amount of space used on a blog that is free. I had too many pictures and it wouldn’t let me post this, as I had pictures of hearts on this page. So here it is two days late and only one heart - mabye next time. The story I wrote in my blog was rather emotional to write, so I needed some musical inspiration to help me, there is a link under the title.

***

Are you one of those people who begin to panic when you realize that a holiday or special day is indicated on the calendar...for example - grandparents day, secretaries days, an anniversary or heck how about national marshmallow day...ha-ha OK, I just added the marshmallow day, but who knows it could be on the calendar somewhere in the world. Well here it is, another Tuesday in a week. A day that isn't the beginning of a week, it isn't the middle of the week or a day before a weekend begins. It's just a Tuesday, but for me, I woke to a question that was asked of me last week by my younger son, and decided to make this a Topic Tuesday. I'm hearing you, "Of course Stacey, why wouldn't you?"

As many of you know I had been working a very very temporary job doing inventory preps to get ready for a big inventory for a store here in town. I even got my older son a job assisting with the inventory as well. Before he and I left for work late Monday afternoon, my husband and younger son had mentioned that they were going out for dinner, something they don't do often, and I like to encourage that they do more often than not. Adding my charming witty and joking way to their plans, I made the comment, "That's great you guys can ponder what to get me for Valentine’s Day," that was followed by my best Madonna strike-a-pose and extra cheesy, try to be a hot chick, smile. (You had to be there to get the full comedic effect) He knew I was being funny, but the joke was on me.

After work, we joined my husband and younger son, who were watching television, jumping between the movie "Lethal Weapon 2" and an old sitcom of "Two and a Half Men." Yes, the men of my home are professional channel jockeys. Smile. Out of the blue as they hopped between their shows of choice, my younger son turned around in his chair and with a serious tone to his voice asked me what I wanted for Valentine’s Day. I was rendered speechless at first as my immediate thoughts were that he took my comment seriously before I left.

Now I wanted to answer like a kid that was just asked what he wanted for Christmas, but I chose not to and I'll explain why.  Rather than ramble off my list of list of what I'd love to receive for Valentines, I simply replied - "Something that makes you feel good and comes from the loving feeling within your heart - I will adore. I don't want to have to tell you want makes me happy.”

 To me Valentines is more than just candy hearts, flowers, cards, and jewelry Etc. Valentines is a feeling inside you that is filled with many levels of love and emotions. (HOLY CRAP! LOL – I’m Laughing out loud to myself, I can’t believe I just wrote that answer, and my cat is looking at me as if I am so beneath her ha-ha). It’s taken me 25+ years to realize the real meaning behind Valentine’s Day.  My confusion started as an unrealistic day dreamer kid in elementary school. We had the typical Valentines parties where you'd make this heart shaped pouch while dreaming/worrying if it would hold thousands of your Valentines from your school mates. (My elementary school didn’t even have 400 students in the school.)

They were always made out of paper doilies in red and white that you had to glue together with a paste that some student in the class always was caught eating. The glue would crack when it dried causing anything you made to fall apart in your hands and the teacher would end up using staples to hold the dang thing together. I did my damnedest to see that every available decoration was on my heart pouch to attract people to give me a Valentine, but no matter how hard I tried to make my pouch stand out, I was always the Charlie Brown of the class, but thank goodness I never got a rock. Smile.

A perfect example of having ones extreme daydreams crushed is a math problem that never has the same answer twice. If we had 25 kids in a class, 8 would put my name on their Valentines and usually two would say, I would have given you a Valentine, but I ate it on the bus on the way to school. As I grew through the years, Feb 14th, became just a day filled with all the store heart shaped propaganda and fine cut diamonds that put you in a trance as you gazed upon them displayed in perfectly illuminated cases on black velvet. Oh, oh, and we must not forget those dang heart shaped chocolate filled boxes that made you feel that if you didn’t get one of those, you were a no body. Now all those things are nice, but being a single young lady just after high school, my Valentine dream was nothing that came in a box, however I would have still taken it if it had been drenched in Hershey’s melted chocolate, cherries and whipped cream…..phew….is it getting hot in here?

I guess I should share with you what’s got me feeling rather warm, but my story is that it is the wood stove – that’s my story and I’m sticking to it, but for my readers… lean in close to your computer - I’m going to share a secret with you about my unrealistic thinking; it’s just you reading this right? Check to be sure that nobody is looking over your shoulder at work? Kids are watching Barney?  OK, here it goes,  I lived with the hopes that maybe one day I'd be whisked away like some lucky golden skinned girl with long locks (which I have never looked like in my life) in a romance novel that just had her earth shook by some handsome guy riding a big black horse on the beach. He extends his hand down, and of course I grab it (Come on ladies feel yourselves grabbing his hand it’s OK, it’s just a hand.) and he pulls me on his horse with him and we go riding into the sunset. I’ll leave the rest for your imagination. I don’t want to be accused of writing a porn script. *wink*

Well needless to say, when I did leave near beaches, no pets were allowed. Dang the bad luck. Now when I got married, for the first three years I tried to make Valentines something extra special, but my ability to do so always ended up like a gas covered paper airplane landing on a flaming barbecue. (I see now that I was trying to hard then) I learned that over the year I found that making a cake and card got the job done. (Obviously I didn’t try as hard after) I know sad to refer to it as a job. Stick with me now, as Ricky would say on I love Lucy – Lucy you have some esplainin’ to do. So let me share a story with you to esplain’. (I tried to write the word as if Ricky Ricardo was saying it in person.)

 The Woman with the Broken Heart
AKA: Wilted Flowers

written by: Stacey L. Bolin 2/6/2013

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fhFadSF2vrM

A woman had made the mistake of letting a family members kind gesture burrow a negative hole in her heart on beautiful sunny Valentine’s Day in the early 90’s. She had always had serious, and I mean very serious issues, with sneaky people who try to take advantage of nice people. Many years ago she stood idly by as she watched this happen to her husband time and time again, because when she would express her distrust for someone, she was accused trying to be a controling untrusting bitch. She had been a stay at home mom with a two year old son and another one on the way, so to say that she wasn’t emotional was an understatement.

She had made a cake and had all the fancy icing with cinnamon hearts, she had gotten her husband and son cards and had a special dinner made waiting hot in the oven. All day long like she felt like a kid in a candy store - waiting anxiously for a card, a phone call filled with loving words, flowers delivered to her home, something, but knowing money was tight and her husband wasn’t the spontaneous romantic type, she also told herself not to get her heart set on anything like this. She was very disappointed when the day slowly turned to night and her husband had come home with only a story to tell her about his day at work. After dinner they sat in the living room and talked. He was so proud of something he had done that she could see he was busting at the seams to tell someone. She had hoped what he had to say would reveal a card with his hand penned words of his love for her. As the words to his story grew long with explanation, she felt a sense of panic being to consume her.

He had always been a person that loved to do good deeds for people. He had a kind and gentle heart, which is just one of many reasons why she fell in love with him. But this one time was when she realized that even the ones she loved could hurt her without even realizing it and to this day, he never understood how something so simple could hurt her so deeply.

He went on to tell her a story about how he made somebody smile, never realizing that he had fallen victim to another person’s sneaky verbal manipulation. A lady who was a secretary in the office for the company he worked for was always sharing her personal stories with him and decided to make him feel sorry for her. She went on and on about how her boyfriend was not attentive to her, didn’t make her feel good, and he’d never given her flowers. She knew perfectly well what she was doing, and with him being a nice guy, he never realized that the kind gesture that he was about to extend would haunt him for years to come. On his way back from a job, he stopped at a vendor that had five gallon buckets, displayed in a 7-11 parking lot, on the corner of Woodmore and Church Road, which were filled with flower arrangements. It was at that moment he picked up a bouquet handed over his last seven dollars and headed back to the office.

As her husband told his tale, she felt like she had just been slapped by a strong hand wearing a razor covered glove. She was having a hard time containing the lump that was rapidly growing in her throat as he went on to describe how beautiful the rose, in the center of the arrangement was. She felt her heart begin to pound and just wanted to run out of the room, but found the ability to ask – “Where were her Valentines flowers?” to which he replied innocently – I didn’t have enough money for two. She melted into a pool of tears, something that he had never seen her do. He had no idea that he had completely broken her heart. He tried to cover it by saying that he had forgot it was Valentines, as he knelt before her while she sat in her chair. It was too late, the damage had been done. People for years told her to let it go, forget about it. So let me ask you men and women out there, if you had been in this situation, the one who’s significant other remembered another, but not you?  Would you just forget the hurt you felt?  Could you forget, or would you just tell yourself some lame excuse? Would you address the other person who had been praying on your loved one?  Unfortunately during that time she was non-confrontational and taught herself how to live with a fear she had now believed to be true. The fear of being forgotten, by the one she loves the most, which haunted her with every day closer to Valentine’s.  

Over the years she was able to slowly glue the pieces of her broken heart back together and needless to say, his flowers we’re not welcome in their home for many years. It wasn’t until August of 2012, when they both fully understood why she had reacted in the way that she did and that her husband never knew of the sexual assault that had happened to her four months before they met.

 

***

 

My reason for sharing this story with you is that it was a huge life lesson for me – any why you ask? I was the women in the story. I’m not proud of my behavior then as I was suffering from a traumatic event from my past that I had chosen to block, that was briefly triggered by the hurt I felt at that moment I learned about the flowers to the secretary. I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t pissed at this ladies actions, but I no longer cry about it and I no longer try to take ownership of what the women in the office had done. I no longer wonder what had I done wrong, as the answer is nothing! He was being kind and she was taking advantage of his kindness.

Through a process called Congnitive Therapy, I am able to disassociate myself from the hurt I felt about the flowers and finally tell the story without feeling emotional sorrow. I am told this feeling means that I have figured out how to understand that it wasn't anything I said or did that made another person do what they chose to do. I am choosing on this day to go past it and was the reason I wanted to share it today. I used to laugh at the people who claimed that the more you talked about what hurts you, the better you begin to feel.  They're right. The past is the past, and as I walk the road to whatever recovery that will eventually be bestowed upon me, I have learned a new way to bring my Valentine’s heart back to life and looking forward to what the future has instore.  

Today, I am learning how to understand the sexual assualt and painful memories that are triggered in and out of my daily life. I walk with my head up and carry a smile because I still feel I have to hide that there are days when I'd rather be home under the covers and hide away from the world. I am choosing to reach for the strength to forgive those who deserve forgiving. I can’t change what happened in the past, but if I keep reliving it, I’ll never know what my future is. I feel like Virginia when she learned that there really is a Santa Clause and that it is the giving of one’s self, of their time, of their touch - that is the true gift of love and means more than any gift you would get in the stores. That with every card, or gift that is given, and don’t get me wrong, people like the material things, I know I do, but If I had to choose something materialistic vs. a gift in  the form of compassion, passion, love, caring, listening, understanding, trust, a walk hand in hand, and so much more, I’ll give up the material item and enjoy the icing on cake - the ability to share these feelings of love with the one I hold most dearly in my heart and enjoy and appreciate the gift of life, family, and togetherness we have shared over the past twenty-one years.

Many thanks for taking time from your day to read my words. Please understand that everyone handles things in a different way. I just wanted to share my story with you. I’m not looking for sympathy and I’m not trying make you feel bad in anyway shape or form. This is just a life lesson that took me years to study for…I’m passing, but only with a C+ for now. Smile.

Until my next post – Blog ya later alligator.

 

 

As to the special man in my life - I'm sending you a song. Thank you for being patient with me. I know I had not been the best person to be around years ago. Thank you for waiting to let me show you the real me that has been trying to get out from behind this wall I had built around myself. Elephant Shoes Forever!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_lfpr9bT7k
 

 

 

 

 

Choked Up Today and Feeling So Small.

H

ello everyone. I am sitting here today in somewhat of a daze and I’d like to share with you what transpired this week that has got me feeling this way. We all know the old saying, "Be careful what you wish for, it may not be what you expect." or "Never Assume", I did not realize how strong these statements would be until I was hit with a large dose of reality, that I was so unaware of. I learned of a very horrific event that took place when my husband and his Battalion were deployed in Desert Shield/Desert Storm. I'm feeling ashamed, stupid, and I feel as large as the speck of dust on my kitchen floor. I never knew what happened in the war or what happened to my love of a lifetime and out of respect for him I must keep the details private. To sum it up in short, he faced many dangerous situations, with one being more than I ever could have imagined - he nearly lost his life. For the last 21 years only a few of his fellow Seabees knew the events that had taken place - I wish so much that I had been one of the few, but God felt that the time was not right for me. For years I would ask him, what happened in Saudi Arabia when he was there? I learned over the years, this was a question never to be asked. I realize that I was very immature with an inability to handle this information for the many years we have been married. I'd like to also think he chose not to tell me, due to all the difficulties that I had to face with battling cancer. I was a very reactive person, quick to jump without all the facts. To best describe me - honestly - I'd be the one in the plane that would say I knew all about sky diving and be the one who'd forget my parachute. Yes, that bad - I heard you wonder if I was really that bad.  I also had a pair of ears that never heard the whole story or I would engage in my selective hearing. So I completely understand why so much time had passed. "There is a time and place for everything"

I was honored and then rendered speechless when one of the men decided that I should know what truly happened and could help me understand things in a different perspective on numerous war veterans and their battles with illness long after the Gulf War.  With each word that was spoken I sank deeper and deeper into my chair feeling so guilty that I had assumed that some rocky places in our marriage had to do with a woman he had worked with years ago.  I had shared this with the caller, to which they replied, "don't worry you’re not the first to think that and how would you know what the problem truly was if nobody told you?" True, and honestly it didn't help when this same woman had been doing their best to suggest that my man had been in their lives intimately. Seriously, why do people do this type of Sh*t? Is it some kind of cheap thrill to spin a web of lies just to see people get hurt?  Well anyway, you see where this naive and clueless mind of mine was then - heading down the long dark path of bullsh*t.  How could I have been so blind?  I am told, that to admit fault is being on the right path to inner peace, healing, awareness.  I admit my flaws, I am not perfect and don’t foresee that I will ever be perfect.  Besides who really wants to be? If people were perfect, we’d be boring…right?

Did I learn a life lesson – Yes indeed, and I shared this with my husband as soon as I could.  I told him that I owed him a huge apology and expressed how small I felt and still feel. To hear what he had been through and  to hear that he never gave up the fight alongside his fellow Seabees – He is my Hero and I'm so proud of him.   I am honored and blessed to have him in my life and nobody could ever fill his boots.  That he is my best friend, my lover, my love of a lifetime, my husband and the father of our children. What a way to start our next twenty years together. I haven't seen him smile this much in years. Oh, and that twinkle in his baby blue eyes, I still melt every time he looks at me. But I can say I know how he feels to get something off his mind. I always feel like a pallet of bricks had been pushed over and my body feels as if I can fly, oh, and I smile a lot too.

So if I had to come up with a quote of life this is what it would be: This is just a draft, so go easy on me.

I have found that less is more, love like you've never loved before, that sometimes life happens with no answers, and what is past...is just that...the past - Leave it there. Be happy with whom you are and with those around you as move forward into the sunshine to deaden the darkened shadows that try to wear you down.  If only I could have been wiser in my younger years. - Stacey Bolin

Never assume anything unless you have all the facts. Never assume that what you’re told is the Gospel until you see it in stone. And the one piece of advice that my husband likes to share, with those who come up with wrong and off the wall conclusions, “Assumptions are the mother of all evil and can destroy you and the ones around you. All else fails...get the facts jack."

 Have a great day and I'll blog you later.