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ello everyone. I am sitting here today in somewhat of a daze and I’d like to share with you what transpired this week that has got me feeling this way. We all know the old saying, "Be careful what you wish for, it may not be what you expect." or "Never Assume", I did not realize how strong these statements would be until I was hit with a large dose of reality, that I was so unaware of. I learned of a very horrific event that took place when my husband and his Battalion were deployed in Desert Shield/Desert Storm. I'm feeling ashamed, stupid, and I feel as large as the speck of dust on my kitchen floor. I never knew what happened in the war or what happened to my love of a lifetime and out of respect for him I must keep the details private. To sum it up in short, he faced many dangerous situations, with one being more than I ever could have imagined - he nearly lost his life. For the last 21 years only a few of his fellow Seabees knew the events that had taken place - I wish so much that I had been one of the few, but God felt that the time was not right for me. For years I would ask him, what happened in Saudi Arabia when he was there? I learned over the years, this was a question never to be asked. I realize that I was very immature with an inability to handle this information for the many years we have been married. I'd like to also think he chose not to tell me, due to all the difficulties that I had to face with battling cancer. I was a very reactive person, quick to jump without all the facts. To best describe me - honestly - I'd be the one in the plane that would say I knew all about sky diving and be the one who'd forget my parachute. Yes, that bad - I heard you wonder if I was really that bad. I also had a pair of ears that never heard the whole story or I would engage in my selective hearing. So I completely understand why so much time had passed. "There is a time and place for everything"
I was honored and then rendered speechless when one of the men decided that I should know what truly happened and could help me understand things in a different perspective on numerous war veterans and their battles with illness long after the Gulf War. With each word that was spoken I sank deeper and deeper into my chair feeling so guilty that I had assumed that some rocky places in our marriage had to do with a woman he had worked with years ago. I had shared this with the caller, to which they replied, "don't worry you’re not the first to think that and how would you know what the problem truly was if nobody told you?" True, and honestly it didn't help when this same woman had been doing their best to suggest that my man had been in their lives intimately. Seriously, why do people do this type of Sh*t? Is it some kind of cheap thrill to spin a web of lies just to see people get hurt? Well anyway, you see where this naive and clueless mind of mine was then - heading down the long dark path of bullsh*t. How could I have been so blind? I am told, that to admit fault is being on the right path to inner peace, healing, awareness. I admit my flaws, I am not perfect and don’t foresee that I will ever be perfect. Besides who really wants to be? If people were perfect, we’d be boring…right?
Did I learn a life lesson – Yes indeed, and I shared this with my husband as soon as I could. I told him that I owed him a huge apology and expressed how small I felt and still feel. To hear what he had been through and to hear that he never gave up the fight alongside his fellow Seabees – He is my Hero and I'm so proud of him. I am honored and blessed to have him in my life and nobody could ever fill his boots. That he is my best friend, my lover, my love of a lifetime, my husband and the father of our children. What a way to start our next twenty years together. I haven't seen him smile this much in years. Oh, and that twinkle in his baby blue eyes, I still melt every time he looks at me. But I can say I know how he feels to get something off his mind. I always feel like a pallet of bricks had been pushed over and my body feels as if I can fly, oh, and I smile a lot too.
So if I had to come up with a quote of life this is what it would be: This is just a draft, so go easy on me.
I have found that less is more, love like you've never loved before, that sometimes life happens with no answers, and what is past...is just that...the past - Leave it there. Be happy with whom you are and with those around you as move forward into the sunshine to deaden the darkened shadows that try to wear you down. If only I could have been wiser in my younger years. - Stacey Bolin
Never assume anything unless you have all the facts. Never assume that what you’re told is the Gospel until you see it in stone. And the one piece of advice that my husband likes to share, with those who come up with wrong and off the wall conclusions, “Assumptions are the mother of all evil and can destroy you and the ones around you. All else fails...get the facts jack."
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