"Is It Breast Cancer" - Part Three

It was brought to my attention that I must condense some of my stories into other formats so that I can continue to write without causing significant delays in the uploading process. So what should have been the rest of the story, is now part three of four parts. I do apologize, if your coffee and muffins are cold, as I had promised you this story on Tuesday. What's the old saying - Better late than never?

 

 

"Is It Breast Cancer - Part Three"

When all else fails, I close my eyes and I can see the place
where all my dreams came true and that the ocean
is symbolic of the moment I found you, that sees me through
another day - Stacey Bolin

 

Following another night of worry and wonder, she managed to collect her fears and get herself up and ready to go with the light of dawn that began kissing the darkness away. Of all days to be filled with such fear, why did it have to be on Valentine’s Day?  Over the years she had grown to view this day of red hearts and people confessing their profound love to one another, as just another day her mind, but did however, enjoyed watching the happiness that it brought to others and in many ways; she harbored a small amount of envy. But today, she didn't have time to think about the Valentine dramas of the past - all she wanted to do was think about getting the flowers delivered to everyone, while feeling proud that she was the first person to see the happiness and joy of the recipients when they opened their door and was greeted with such a special gift by the loved one that had thought of them that day.

 She had gotten all of her early morning deliveries out, picked up her oldest son from school to help her, since he had gotten out early due to mid-terms, and was able to get back to the shop to reload for her second and final round of the day.  She had updated the florist that she would be taking a moment, around eleven, to stop at the Naval Academy to update some insurance documents and then continue to resume with the remaining deliveries. She was relieved when they gave her a smile of approval and sent her on her way. She took that as a sign that all was going to be fine, but the little voice inside her head suddenly put the negative bug in her ear, that all may not go as planned. Whether the customer service representative knew her, or not - would she really remember that November morning?

 She was on schedule and made her way to the other side of town to get her medical dilemma corrected.  Her son chose to wait in her truck to listen to his music, when she turned to him and said, with a strange chuckle to her voice, "This may not go well...if you hear police sirens, don't worry, they just coming to escort me out of the building." Certainly this was not a comment that any rational person would say, especially in the presence of their child of any age, but at the moment, she wasn't feeling anything but the urge to run, as far and as fast as she could.

 The customer service representative greeted her with a big and extra friendly hello and was eager to help just as she had always done before, yet immediately her disposition, went from friendly to guarded as the details of the insurance fiasco unfolded. Clearing she was not wanting to be told that she had not done her job, but in the same breath, remarked about everything that was said and done on the November morning - every detail, and the conversation pertaining to an upcoming wedding she was working on – she had recalled every detail with the exception of the form that had been filled out to schedule auto payments. She had denied ever doing such a document and that she has never taken a blank check to set this process up. This was her reason why she honestly believed she did not file any such document and continued to repeat over and over, in a voice like a child that had gotten caught with their hand in the cookie jar, "I don't take voided checks to file ACH payments."

 A cold silence filled the room when she stopped speaking to fully understand what the representative had been saying to her. What she thought was a person that she could trust, was now anything but, as in her mind she now viewed that this person had committed the ultimate betrayal - lying. Without a hint of anger in her voice, she stood up and simply said, “I can’t promise that this won’t go unaddressed.” And with that turned and walked out of the door, determined never to utilize this locations Tri-care assistance again. The only solutions she had left was to hope and pray that the Tri-care office in the Walter Reed National Medical Center, where her doctor appointment was tentatively scheduled for and in less than 24 hours, could correct this problem in time.

 Her son met her with a smile, when she got back to her truck. He was glad to know that she had found a way to keep her fear in check, as he was use to her over reactive ways that always led to unwanted stress and drama. Her personality mimicked a weather forecast - the calm before the storm - as they continued with their remaining deliveries before they could call it a day.

 

***

She stood in the driveway that cool, dusky early Friday morning, teetering on a fine line between, going over the edge, and snapped. Fearing the worst and hoping for the best, she asked her husband - "What do I do?" He looked at her with his best face to keep her spirits positive, but his eyes revealed a soul that was remembering her battle with lymphoma that she had faced in 1994. He was scared what the tests would reveal and all he wanted was to jump in his truck, go to work, hope that all of this was nothing more than a muscle injury and that tomorrow - life would go back to normal. Breast cancer were the two words that had the ability to shake this man to tears as his birth mother had succumbed to this dreadful disease before he had ever had the opportunity to meet the woman who had given him life.

 As he got into his truck, she kissed him, a little longer than normal, allowing herself to feel the softness of his lips. She stood in the driveway, a little longer than normal, as she watch him heading off to work. She closed her eyes and took in the smell of the morning air, a little longer than normal, enjoying a moment of quiet before the city would awake. She was doing everything and anything to capture the moments before the unknown would soon be revealed.

That morning drive was filled with anger, sorry, pain, frustration, as she spoke out loud to herself. Could it be that the guidance of a stronger power had been with her on that morning drive? Clearly she should have never had been behind the wheel that day. To this very day, it was a drive she couldn’t remember, but to her amazement would never forget the excessively busy roads of rush hour traffic on the beltway that had magically forged a clear pathway that offered no delays to her destination.

To be Continued.... 

 

How do you think the story ends?  Would love to hear from you and how you may be feeling about this story. Can you connect in some way? Do you have a friend or family member who has experienced the same medical fear? How did they cope? What was the outcome? We all have a story to tell, and I don't want it to be just my stories. I love getting your replies and it helps to inspire me with my journey to be a writer, even if I only succeed in the blogger world. I do hope that you have a great day and I hope to have the ending uploaded today. That is my goal, however, looking back on my entire blog, I didn't realize I had written so many stories, maybe I should make my blog into a book? (smile).  Until next time - Blog ya later.

 

What's Really in a Valentine...

 

 

 

Wow, so I learned a little something about the Internet. You have to maintain the amount of space used on a blog that is free. I had too many pictures and it wouldn’t let me post this, as I had pictures of hearts on this page. So here it is two days late and only one heart - mabye next time. The story I wrote in my blog was rather emotional to write, so I needed some musical inspiration to help me, there is a link under the title.

***

Are you one of those people who begin to panic when you realize that a holiday or special day is indicated on the calendar...for example - grandparents day, secretaries days, an anniversary or heck how about national marshmallow day...ha-ha OK, I just added the marshmallow day, but who knows it could be on the calendar somewhere in the world. Well here it is, another Tuesday in a week. A day that isn't the beginning of a week, it isn't the middle of the week or a day before a weekend begins. It's just a Tuesday, but for me, I woke to a question that was asked of me last week by my younger son, and decided to make this a Topic Tuesday. I'm hearing you, "Of course Stacey, why wouldn't you?"

As many of you know I had been working a very very temporary job doing inventory preps to get ready for a big inventory for a store here in town. I even got my older son a job assisting with the inventory as well. Before he and I left for work late Monday afternoon, my husband and younger son had mentioned that they were going out for dinner, something they don't do often, and I like to encourage that they do more often than not. Adding my charming witty and joking way to their plans, I made the comment, "That's great you guys can ponder what to get me for Valentine’s Day," that was followed by my best Madonna strike-a-pose and extra cheesy, try to be a hot chick, smile. (You had to be there to get the full comedic effect) He knew I was being funny, but the joke was on me.

After work, we joined my husband and younger son, who were watching television, jumping between the movie "Lethal Weapon 2" and an old sitcom of "Two and a Half Men." Yes, the men of my home are professional channel jockeys. Smile. Out of the blue as they hopped between their shows of choice, my younger son turned around in his chair and with a serious tone to his voice asked me what I wanted for Valentine’s Day. I was rendered speechless at first as my immediate thoughts were that he took my comment seriously before I left.

Now I wanted to answer like a kid that was just asked what he wanted for Christmas, but I chose not to and I'll explain why.  Rather than ramble off my list of list of what I'd love to receive for Valentines, I simply replied - "Something that makes you feel good and comes from the loving feeling within your heart - I will adore. I don't want to have to tell you want makes me happy.”

 To me Valentines is more than just candy hearts, flowers, cards, and jewelry Etc. Valentines is a feeling inside you that is filled with many levels of love and emotions. (HOLY CRAP! LOL – I’m Laughing out loud to myself, I can’t believe I just wrote that answer, and my cat is looking at me as if I am so beneath her ha-ha). It’s taken me 25+ years to realize the real meaning behind Valentine’s Day.  My confusion started as an unrealistic day dreamer kid in elementary school. We had the typical Valentines parties where you'd make this heart shaped pouch while dreaming/worrying if it would hold thousands of your Valentines from your school mates. (My elementary school didn’t even have 400 students in the school.)

They were always made out of paper doilies in red and white that you had to glue together with a paste that some student in the class always was caught eating. The glue would crack when it dried causing anything you made to fall apart in your hands and the teacher would end up using staples to hold the dang thing together. I did my damnedest to see that every available decoration was on my heart pouch to attract people to give me a Valentine, but no matter how hard I tried to make my pouch stand out, I was always the Charlie Brown of the class, but thank goodness I never got a rock. Smile.

A perfect example of having ones extreme daydreams crushed is a math problem that never has the same answer twice. If we had 25 kids in a class, 8 would put my name on their Valentines and usually two would say, I would have given you a Valentine, but I ate it on the bus on the way to school. As I grew through the years, Feb 14th, became just a day filled with all the store heart shaped propaganda and fine cut diamonds that put you in a trance as you gazed upon them displayed in perfectly illuminated cases on black velvet. Oh, oh, and we must not forget those dang heart shaped chocolate filled boxes that made you feel that if you didn’t get one of those, you were a no body. Now all those things are nice, but being a single young lady just after high school, my Valentine dream was nothing that came in a box, however I would have still taken it if it had been drenched in Hershey’s melted chocolate, cherries and whipped cream…..phew….is it getting hot in here?

I guess I should share with you what’s got me feeling rather warm, but my story is that it is the wood stove – that’s my story and I’m sticking to it, but for my readers… lean in close to your computer - I’m going to share a secret with you about my unrealistic thinking; it’s just you reading this right? Check to be sure that nobody is looking over your shoulder at work? Kids are watching Barney?  OK, here it goes,  I lived with the hopes that maybe one day I'd be whisked away like some lucky golden skinned girl with long locks (which I have never looked like in my life) in a romance novel that just had her earth shook by some handsome guy riding a big black horse on the beach. He extends his hand down, and of course I grab it (Come on ladies feel yourselves grabbing his hand it’s OK, it’s just a hand.) and he pulls me on his horse with him and we go riding into the sunset. I’ll leave the rest for your imagination. I don’t want to be accused of writing a porn script. *wink*

Well needless to say, when I did leave near beaches, no pets were allowed. Dang the bad luck. Now when I got married, for the first three years I tried to make Valentines something extra special, but my ability to do so always ended up like a gas covered paper airplane landing on a flaming barbecue. (I see now that I was trying to hard then) I learned that over the year I found that making a cake and card got the job done. (Obviously I didn’t try as hard after) I know sad to refer to it as a job. Stick with me now, as Ricky would say on I love Lucy – Lucy you have some esplainin’ to do. So let me share a story with you to esplain’. (I tried to write the word as if Ricky Ricardo was saying it in person.)

 The Woman with the Broken Heart
AKA: Wilted Flowers

written by: Stacey L. Bolin 2/6/2013

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fhFadSF2vrM

A woman had made the mistake of letting a family members kind gesture burrow a negative hole in her heart on beautiful sunny Valentine’s Day in the early 90’s. She had always had serious, and I mean very serious issues, with sneaky people who try to take advantage of nice people. Many years ago she stood idly by as she watched this happen to her husband time and time again, because when she would express her distrust for someone, she was accused trying to be a controling untrusting bitch. She had been a stay at home mom with a two year old son and another one on the way, so to say that she wasn’t emotional was an understatement.

She had made a cake and had all the fancy icing with cinnamon hearts, she had gotten her husband and son cards and had a special dinner made waiting hot in the oven. All day long like she felt like a kid in a candy store - waiting anxiously for a card, a phone call filled with loving words, flowers delivered to her home, something, but knowing money was tight and her husband wasn’t the spontaneous romantic type, she also told herself not to get her heart set on anything like this. She was very disappointed when the day slowly turned to night and her husband had come home with only a story to tell her about his day at work. After dinner they sat in the living room and talked. He was so proud of something he had done that she could see he was busting at the seams to tell someone. She had hoped what he had to say would reveal a card with his hand penned words of his love for her. As the words to his story grew long with explanation, she felt a sense of panic being to consume her.

He had always been a person that loved to do good deeds for people. He had a kind and gentle heart, which is just one of many reasons why she fell in love with him. But this one time was when she realized that even the ones she loved could hurt her without even realizing it and to this day, he never understood how something so simple could hurt her so deeply.

He went on to tell her a story about how he made somebody smile, never realizing that he had fallen victim to another person’s sneaky verbal manipulation. A lady who was a secretary in the office for the company he worked for was always sharing her personal stories with him and decided to make him feel sorry for her. She went on and on about how her boyfriend was not attentive to her, didn’t make her feel good, and he’d never given her flowers. She knew perfectly well what she was doing, and with him being a nice guy, he never realized that the kind gesture that he was about to extend would haunt him for years to come. On his way back from a job, he stopped at a vendor that had five gallon buckets, displayed in a 7-11 parking lot, on the corner of Woodmore and Church Road, which were filled with flower arrangements. It was at that moment he picked up a bouquet handed over his last seven dollars and headed back to the office.

As her husband told his tale, she felt like she had just been slapped by a strong hand wearing a razor covered glove. She was having a hard time containing the lump that was rapidly growing in her throat as he went on to describe how beautiful the rose, in the center of the arrangement was. She felt her heart begin to pound and just wanted to run out of the room, but found the ability to ask – “Where were her Valentines flowers?” to which he replied innocently – I didn’t have enough money for two. She melted into a pool of tears, something that he had never seen her do. He had no idea that he had completely broken her heart. He tried to cover it by saying that he had forgot it was Valentines, as he knelt before her while she sat in her chair. It was too late, the damage had been done. People for years told her to let it go, forget about it. So let me ask you men and women out there, if you had been in this situation, the one who’s significant other remembered another, but not you?  Would you just forget the hurt you felt?  Could you forget, or would you just tell yourself some lame excuse? Would you address the other person who had been praying on your loved one?  Unfortunately during that time she was non-confrontational and taught herself how to live with a fear she had now believed to be true. The fear of being forgotten, by the one she loves the most, which haunted her with every day closer to Valentine’s.  

Over the years she was able to slowly glue the pieces of her broken heart back together and needless to say, his flowers we’re not welcome in their home for many years. It wasn’t until August of 2012, when they both fully understood why she had reacted in the way that she did and that her husband never knew of the sexual assault that had happened to her four months before they met.

 

***

 

My reason for sharing this story with you is that it was a huge life lesson for me – any why you ask? I was the women in the story. I’m not proud of my behavior then as I was suffering from a traumatic event from my past that I had chosen to block, that was briefly triggered by the hurt I felt at that moment I learned about the flowers to the secretary. I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t pissed at this ladies actions, but I no longer cry about it and I no longer try to take ownership of what the women in the office had done. I no longer wonder what had I done wrong, as the answer is nothing! He was being kind and she was taking advantage of his kindness.

Through a process called Congnitive Therapy, I am able to disassociate myself from the hurt I felt about the flowers and finally tell the story without feeling emotional sorrow. I am told this feeling means that I have figured out how to understand that it wasn't anything I said or did that made another person do what they chose to do. I am choosing on this day to go past it and was the reason I wanted to share it today. I used to laugh at the people who claimed that the more you talked about what hurts you, the better you begin to feel.  They're right. The past is the past, and as I walk the road to whatever recovery that will eventually be bestowed upon me, I have learned a new way to bring my Valentine’s heart back to life and looking forward to what the future has instore.  

Today, I am learning how to understand the sexual assualt and painful memories that are triggered in and out of my daily life. I walk with my head up and carry a smile because I still feel I have to hide that there are days when I'd rather be home under the covers and hide away from the world. I am choosing to reach for the strength to forgive those who deserve forgiving. I can’t change what happened in the past, but if I keep reliving it, I’ll never know what my future is. I feel like Virginia when she learned that there really is a Santa Clause and that it is the giving of one’s self, of their time, of their touch - that is the true gift of love and means more than any gift you would get in the stores. That with every card, or gift that is given, and don’t get me wrong, people like the material things, I know I do, but If I had to choose something materialistic vs. a gift in  the form of compassion, passion, love, caring, listening, understanding, trust, a walk hand in hand, and so much more, I’ll give up the material item and enjoy the icing on cake - the ability to share these feelings of love with the one I hold most dearly in my heart and enjoy and appreciate the gift of life, family, and togetherness we have shared over the past twenty-one years.

Many thanks for taking time from your day to read my words. Please understand that everyone handles things in a different way. I just wanted to share my story with you. I’m not looking for sympathy and I’m not trying make you feel bad in anyway shape or form. This is just a life lesson that took me years to study for…I’m passing, but only with a C+ for now. Smile.

Until my next post – Blog ya later alligator.

 

 

As to the special man in my life - I'm sending you a song. Thank you for being patient with me. I know I had not been the best person to be around years ago. Thank you for waiting to let me show you the real me that has been trying to get out from behind this wall I had built around myself. Elephant Shoes Forever!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_lfpr9bT7k
 

 

 

 

 

Sometime Life Just Hurts

I found this on a website for wives who are coping with spouses with PTSD, but realized as I read the words slowly trying to take in each meaning, and honestly thinking it was written just for me, I know it wasn’t, I found that this can be applied to anyone’s daily life and so I wanted to share this with you. It really does speak volumes.

***

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you'll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, and no second chances. You just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all; live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back.

***

Really does speak out doesn’t it? So, upon reading this my favorite quote came to mind as well – “When life gives you lemons, make orange juice and have them all wondering how you did it.”

Hope you all have a wonderful day – Blog ya later – Stacey

Generational Welfare - Is this Something to be Proud of??

W

ell good morning blogger world. Hope this finds you all waking up to another morning in a nice warm bed in a home surrounded by the ones you love. I'm sitting here this morning, looking around my home, at the things we have acquired over the years. All of which was gathered when we moved to Maryland from Alaska. Living in base housing life was very different and I didn't think of it much, well not until I hear some ladies behind me in a Safeway yesterday discussing their futures. It's funny, as soon as I diverted my listening to the conversation behind me, I could hear my family saying, "Why do you do that? Why do you have to hear what every one is saying?" Well to be honest, it makes for good and sometimes bad, story ideas. Life is where I get all of my ideas. Television is too boring these days, with the exception of the newest made for television series, "The Hatfield’s and McCoy’s". If you don't know the story, or know parts of it, it's a must see. Kevin Costner and Bill Paxton are just two of some familiar actors, that many of us knew growing up in the 80's and 90's, that make this very interesting series, I guess there is something that brings it more to light when you recognize the people. Warning it is a bit graphic.

Clearly my topic for today, is not about a new television series, however it is an old and continuous, well – problem for all. As I stood in the Safeway waiting to cash out, three ladies of multiple nationalities, one pregnant, one holding a child and the other constantly worried if her hair looked good, were chatting about what life was going to be like after High School. Yes, I said it, High School. Holy Crap! I graduated in the 80's, and you didn't even mention babies let alone get pregnant without knowing the hellfire that your family and friends would cast down on you. But if by chance you found yourself to be one of the unfortunate ladies that found yourself in a situation because you got caught in the moment, it usually wasn't known about until you bumped into them pushing a baby stroller two years later and find yourself feeling like a total fool when you think the baby with them, is a brother or sister.  Yes, I've been there - Remember people I was a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

These three young ladies went on to discuss their application for public housing and how excited they were that Friday was "WIC" day. If some of you are not familiar with WIC, then let me share this information with you before we go on. WIC is a federally-funded health and nutrition program for women, infants, and children. WIC helps families by providing checks for buying healthy supplemental foods from WIC-authorized vendors, nutrition education, and help finding health care and other community services. Participants must meet income guidelines and be pregnant women, new mothers, infants or children under age five. I will say that this is a wonderful program as I once had to take part in this when I was diagnoses in 1994 with cancer when I was 7 months pregnant with my oldest son. Being in the military, you'd be surprise how many families have to take part in some of these programs due to the limited income and the inability to work two jobs due to your obligation with Uncle Sam. However, any federally funded assistance is supposed to be limited and for us, as soon as our income exceeded the allotted income amount or our son turned five, we would be removed from the program. I am happy to say, our income finally exceeded the allotted amount. Wow, I can hear some of you now "It was free, why would you make more and loose it?"  NO FEDERALLY FUNDED PROGRAMS ARE FREE! Take a look around you; many of those nameless faces are paying for the so-called "FREE" to you programs. For us, we personally felt a sense of guilt and embarrassment for having to ask for assistance and did all we could to get off the program. Now I totally get that there are reasons far beyond me as to why people are on various funded programs - I get it and I understand. Every situation and circumstance is different and there are people who are genuinely in need of some support.

But what about those out in the world, who abuse these programs, you know the ones who repeatedly have children so their checks can keep coming in and boast about their free ride in society. I’d say that is the first perfect example and don’t get all worked up I know you’ve thought it too, but just kept it to yourself.   I stop and wonder, “Where is the pride? Where is the pride in owning your own home? A sense of knowing, that you may have struggled through life, but you have something to call your very own and something to show where your money goes.”

Now we lived in base housing when we were both stationed in Adak, Alaska, but trust me, even though the only thing you paid for was your cable bill and food, your check seriously reflected it too. When I finally made Third Class and my husband was a Third Class as well, between the two of us we were only bringing in approximately 29,000 a year. NO JOKE! So imagine my shock when we arrived in Annapolis, Maryland, I'm 7 months pregnant and the list for base housing is a two year wait. You know what that means...now you have to pay rent out in town. Now the military would offer an additional housing allowance but an extra $500.00 a month didn’t put a dent in a $1,800 rent payment so we opted to buy a home and our mortgage was about $800.00.  Still $200.00 short, and now we have acquired additional expenses to boot - electric, homeowners insurance, water, taxes, and then an unplanned illness to accompany our pregnancy. Wow, honestly I have not thought about all of this in sometime and it makes me shudder to think - how the hell did we get this far and not lose our home? I know why – My husband is a hard worker and will work his fingers to the bones to take care of our family. I can only hope that he truly understands how grateful the boys and I are to have him in our lives and how much we love him and appreciate what he does for us.

So, as I continued listening to these three young ladies, one of them remarked about her stint in public housing and harbored a sense of pride with an attitude that she expected she would get her place too. Her reason as to why they would approve her application, her family has lived there more than forty years and both her grandmother and mother grew up there. Yet what saddened me the most was her next comment that if she didn’t get her place she was going to get in someone’s face because three generations have lived there. (If I recall correctly, I remember hearing this type of situation being called – Generational Welfare, when I attended a community safety meeting in Baltimore, many years ago). She didn’t have any money except for the welfare checks she would be getting soon, and she didn’t know who the father was of her child. WOW, if I had closed my eyes, I would swear I was watching LMN’s Real Life Thursday movies.

What happened to the days when people brought children into this world after graduating high school and were married? Now young men and women are out there engaged in sexual activity starting at very young ages. As a teenager, life is hard enough dealing with hormones, and changes both outside and within the body, but then try adding sex into the picture and all the emotions that are stirred up in the mind. Why am I trying to speak on behalf of some of our teenagers? Well not only was I a teen many years ago let me add a bit more to my story - here is a shocker that even my own mother doesn’t know about. I was thirteen when I engaged in my first sexual experience. My initial reaction – I felt nothing, no love, no connection, no wild tingles, I felt no emotional connection except used. When you are that age, you are not mature enough to even realize what you’re supposed to feel, but it was after that one moment, that I was not interest in anything sexual until my senior year in High School and during my dating years after graduation, but again – I always found myself thinking, "OK this is what It looked like in books and magazines, but why can't I feel a deep connecting love? Where is the earth rocking, take your breath away experience?" I was only feeling infatuation as I would try to keep convincing myself I was so in love with this guy and that guy…but I wasn’t in love with them at all. I often feared that maybe I was broken or had put way too much emphasis on what sex was. It was in early January of 1992, I remember a conversation while at work one day in Adak, that the men and the women got into one of these kinds of conversations in the paint shop. They all agreed that when your in love with someone one the sexual feeling becomes magical and for some life altering.  Wow, life altering, could you imagine? I couldn't until I met my husband that I learned the difference between sex and life altering. (I can’t believe it I’m blushing - TOO FUNNY!) The best way to describe the feeling – Complete love, a connection so deep that it makes you want to cry, a bond of togetherness and trust, and trust me when I say, once you have felt that connection, you’ll do everything in your power to protect it.

After hearing yesterday’s conversation, it was very clear that these young ladies looked at their future as more as a golden road of getting to stay home while at the same collect a monetary reward for each child they produce that was intertwined with numerous passing men, or heck even one man, in their lives without a connection of a deep love and self-worth. Their main goal was not what college they got accepted into, or that they had been hired for a summer position to make some extra money. Their happiness and smiles were because they had applied to get into public housing and if they did get in, they could start collecting their welfare checks. I guess their goals were already in the works, the girls that where mom's/soon to be mom's, were already getting their monthly WIC Checks, free medical, and dental while living with mom who already had her place in public housing.  Honestly, I actually started to feel bad, but people chose their life paths. It doesn't matter how I feel or what I believe, I can only hope that I can make a positive difference in the lives of people and young people that I meet, while at the same time I must also understand that what I chose to do in my life does not mean that it will always benefit others. The only thing I can hope for is that what experiences I choose to share with them could help them make choices through their own journey called life to reach what ever goal or dream they strive for or just choosing to live a happy life. I guess what I don't understand is how can someone be so excited to be looked at as the next to continue on path already walked by those before them. Did they ever have dreams? And if they did, what changed their thinking? I don't know the whole story on these three ladies, for all I know what they spoke about was a temporary situation, but still brought forth so many thoughts in the already filled eclectic mind of mine.

So I guess my question that plagues me now, is how to we get our young society of soon to be graduates to want to strive for those goals and dreams that they think are just out of one’s reach? Doesn’t the old saying still stand true that - Half the fun of accomplishing a goal or dream is getting there? Why do we feel that in this life, it is better just to settle or take a path frequently traveled? Wouldn't life be more adventurous if you chose to carve out your own destiny to get to touch a dream, even if for just a single second? I know there are many out there who dream big and keep that drive going, trust me, I am one of those people but I have my failures too and I choose to get back up and try a new way. Yes I get embarrassed when I am told I did it wrong, but how do we learn and find out how to change things if we don’t have life’s stumbling blocks to challenge the strength and drive within us all. If you chose not to do something in your life because of fear of failure, that can be overcome. If you chose not to do something out of sheer laziness, you are your own worst nightmare.

My final words, of hopefully, wisdom: “Toot your own horn, dare to be different and be able to say at least you are trying and giving it your all.” Thanks again to all of you and your continue support and words of wisdom to help me touch my dream of being an accomplised writer with a hope to have my words become movies on day. Until next time - blogger ya later.

The Countdown Begins - Remember to Breath

T-Minus 7 days and counting

Here I sit, Thursday March 15, 2012. My emotions are like a kid waiting for Christmas to arrive. I wonder about the unknown.  Honestly - I am scared to death...shhhh don't tell anyone. My calendar says 7 more days until possibly another dream will come true - But will it? I wonder.  22 years I've waited, could this really happen? The day I began to write, I wanted my words to someday find their way to the silver screen or heck, LMN (Lifetime Movie Network) is fine with me. I don't know where this came from as I was not the writing type. If anything I was very quiet, shy, yes shy, and never had any big dreams to undertake something until the night that I dreamed of the Military man in the red van. When I found that military man and his red van, my life changed forever. I can only hope that he truly knows that all that I do, I do with him in my heart and soul. I try to express this to him, but my words never come out as breathtaking as they look in a Hallmark card or what you hear in a movie that is a love story. Then to think it was 20 years ago on March 24, that my husband and I decided to get married and set a date for May 6th, 1992, and now it is also the date of my meeting to pitch my story next week. Talk about under pressure (Isn't that a song sung by Queen?)....look out she's gonna blow! Ha Ha. But seriously, Having my story chosen to become a movie - that would be one heck of an anniversary gift. Don’t Cha think so?

There is no question that I am under some big time stress. I keep myself in check and keep telling myself say grounded, keep your head out of the clouds, and wear your lead balloon. Being that it was 20 years ago this time, I can’t help but reflect on how my husband and I got here. I found myself reminiscing while waiting in line today at the MVA, I even thought about what would have been if he had not chosen to marry me. How foolish I must have looked, when I started tearing up and had to catch my breath, while standing in line.  So I decided to tell people, who asked if I was ok, "I forgot my two forms of ID." Then I smiled and laughed and said, "I'm kidding, I've got allergy eyes." They all laughed. I know I will have to take my own advice – but will I? I’ll let you know soon enough. I just can’t believe that this moment will happen in 7 days and I need to take this all one day at a time. There is no need to panic…yet. I finally got myself an iPod shuffle to listen to my music to keep me calm all day long. It's funny, wearing this around the house to do house work and laundry, I feel like I am cleaning to my own personal soundtrack. I can see it now, "Stacey - The Movie" OMG! NOT! Ha Ha. I couldn’t help but laugh as I was trying to get rid of stink bugs; I need the song - Another One Bites the Dust. Smile.

Basically, with all this wonder, worry and anticipation of what lies ahead for my writing career, I haven’t been the greatest housewife. I’m a little behind with staying on task and I know that the kitchen floor is screaming for a scrub down. So, this blog will have to be short today.  I must get things done and stop falling into the daydreams and what if’s, and can only hope next weeks outcome it is what I’ve always dreamed of for myself and my family. I hope that whatever happens will be as glorious as the day when I found my military man. I would love to be able to stand before him and say; here is the deed to your family farm and that his 20 year dream will finally come true - We can go home now and live happily ever after. But if this isn’t the right time for dreams to become a reality, I won’t stop until it is.

My New 2-sided Business Cards. They did a great job - Thanks VISTA!

I WANT TO KNOW WHY!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I WANT TO KNOW WHY BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE!!!!!

“Stacey, only people who are mad write in bold letting that is capitalized.”  Well, guess what....I am not only mad...I am pissed!  I want an answer and not the basic answers of "That's life, things happen, God has a plan, and all that happy jazz."  Today that is not good enough for me! When I went through cancer treatments 18 years ago, I feel that I had an advantage I knew what my cure was. But what if your doctor told you there is no cure.  My philo on that one....BULL!! My illness, I was told that there was nothing more they could do. Well guess what - here I am 18 years later. There is a power in us all. Don't get me wrong, conventional medicine also helped out, but for me, there was something special inside me almost like a peaceful guidance to keep my emotional adrenalin at bay. I incorporated a positive power of thinking and there were so many prayers out there from friends and family.  Now I am sure you asking, "Where are you going with all of this ranting and anger?"

Two nights ago my husband and I learned that a very dear family member is facing, what soon could be, the fight of his life. We were in total disbelief. "HOW COULD IT BE!? AND WHY HIM!?" He was told that he has Lou Gehrig’s disease and/or is symptomatic that follows the guidelines of this terrible illness.  As soon as the shock wore off, I went into fight mode. I don't know why, but something in me says there is a window of opportunity that will lead to his recovery, but what - that I don't know yet and the storm of crazy dreams has once again begun. As much as I got upset with the weird dreams and strong intuitional feelings all of my life, it’s been rather quiet in my mind for the last year, however since this bit of information had been brought to my attention well let’s just say, I'm glad they are back. I know I'm supposed to help and have the ability to help, but I don't have all the answers yet and those of you who know me, when I want an honest answer and know there is one, but is not offered to me....I get very very temperamental. Yeah, temperamental - that's a good word for it. Mild in description, but good, as crazed woman on a mission would freak some people out. (Smile).

My heart tells me he will recover, but when I see him I’ll know more and that more, I hope, will be the peace of knowing he’ll be the one that finds a cure. He is a Seabee and Seabee’s FIGHT! We also stand by each other and have a “Can Do” spirit. He was in Desert Shield and Desert Storm, if he can battle that – HE CAN BATTLE ANYTHING! I am asking for your prayers that he too will be blessed with a miracle. I have also asked my guardian angel “Rose” to give him the same strength she gave me and that he WILL see his daughter graduate and get married! “A guardian angel Stacey, get real. There is no such thing.”  Oh my, do you really believe that? Well I am a LIVING proof that sometimes you have to be able to BELIEVE in a power that you can’t see. It worked for me and a friend of ours out west who was diagnosed with breast cancer. 18 years later, and she also relapsed half way through this time frame….SHE IS STILL HERE TOO!!!!

So here we go again. Last time I questioned the possibilities of a higher power, something happened and I had the shock of my life. Here is the sign I got and I will never question the big guy again.

One night I woke, and felt as thought someone was watching me. I got up, and tried to walk through the flickering light of a television station that had gone off the air. Our bathroom is on an angle from our room. I decided to leave the door open as everyone was asleep. I frozen when I looked into my room and saw him. Do you see him in these photographs? Tell me what do you see? I took one photo with the lights on to proved this photo is not doctored in anyway. It is only a quilt on my bed. See photos below.

With the bedroom light on.

when the light was off, the area at the end of my bed seemed to have a light glow to it.
DO YOU SEE HIM????

When the snow of the tv station was light, this is what I captured.
 I took a lot of pictures as the image stayed there as long as I sat there.

“God, it’s me again. You’ve proven to me that there is hope and miracles do happen in this world. Show me that it is still there. Please bless our friend and his family during this time of illness and bestow upon them all of your strength, power, and guidance to see them through. Let them know that they are loved by many that they are important to those around them and they will prevail!”

Righting My Wrongs

I sit here troubled this morning and wonder, what would you do in the name of love for your child/children?  If you saw them on a path of wrongs, would you try to right them...ok or atleast some of them? What if your child/children decided that the best respect they could show you, is none...would you accept that or continue to teach why respect is vital, not just for one's parents, but for all the people? Do you have a child or children that justs tone you out on a daily basis? I'm sure we all do now and again. While everyone out there that has or has had children, have their own methods of parenting, I am sure many of my questions could have been the very same questions that danced inside your thoughts while parenting. Yet, how would you feel if you realized that what was happening in your life now was because of something years ago?

I saw a quote by Christina Ricci, in a magazine the other day that really hit home, "You have to make a decision that you're not going to be crippled by your insecurities". She is so right and I have done just that. Here is my story of parental awakening.

Becoming a new mother while undergoing cancer treatments was a challenge. It was up to me to keep the home front going why my husband endured long hours at work to make financial ends meet. I had the baby stuff and the house wife stuff, for the most part, down to a science until I let fear of the unknown get its grips on me. It didn't matter if it was health related, people related, life related, I felt like a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. My biggest worry...ok fear, was that my children would be hurt or get hurt as they grew from the infants that came home from the hospital to young men, to young adults. I guess one could say, because of that intense fear - I sheltered them. Yikes, I've actually said it, wow there it is in print and to read and see it has moved me to tears. I have made it public, one of my many flaws that I am willing to take responsiblity for.  I had to start somewhere.

I let my own insecurities of the bad in the world, the unknown dangers, and feelings that I had, to constantly protect them, take full control. This is my belief as to why I feel they lack some life and social skills.  But it doesn't stop there. I also wanted them to look at me as the best mom in the world, what mother doesn't want that feeling, and they would always cherrish and love me. So why did this mom think this way - because she did everything for them. I created a world where they have been living like little kings. I was always picking up after them when they should have been learning to pick up their own things. Getting their laundry out of their rooms for them, when they should have been getting the laundry in the hamper for me. fighting their battles for them, ok and at times protecting them when there should have been consequences and the list goes on and on and on. I feel that by doing all these things and so much more for them, they never learned responsiblity and to respect themselves.  I've always heard if you don't love yourself, you can't love others, and I can say the same for respect, if you don't have respect for yourself, your home and/or your things, how can you be respectful for other people and their things?

So with all this opening up on my part and sharing my struggles within, where am I going with all of this? My boys need to understand that what I do and say as a parent now, is not out of hate, it is out of love. They run to their dad, hoping to over throw the Queen, by going to the King playing him against her. So the first important lesson now - The King and Queen are now comparing stories and that lies will get one nowhere.

For one, I have two years, and the other, four years, to correct my wrongs and to instill years worth of teaching into a short time frame. To the outside world, not to many know the new challeges we are facing as parents of two teenage boys. Right now I am the bad guy in the eyes of my older son, and I can safely say he is cussing the ground I walk on, because of the new life lessons being implemented. The second important lesson, my husband and I are a team, No means no, and if we ask you do to something, it will be when we ask, not when it is convenient.  My youngest son is a very quick learner, guess we caught it in time. (smile). The oldest is like trying to break a young stallion that has been so used to his word as being the "My Way World". 

It was just last night that I finally talked with my oldest son as a young adult and not a young man. Words of advice, if you want your kids to listen, put them in the car with you and drive around. In a car your voice is buffed, less annoying than a house that echoes. A drive home from an event last night, I finally admitted to him that I take full responsibilty as to why he does what he does. That I have learned that he needs important life skills to venture out into this huge mass called life. That he needs to be mind full that he is almost 18 and life will change for him both dramatically and drastically. Things he says and things he does could have either a postivie or a negative impact. He will now also have to be exceptionally mindful of his behaviors around the young ladies. I think this was a lot for him to take in and yes I am sure I am the bad guy this morning, but I have to start somewhere on this issue too. Yes I know that both my kids will make mistakes, that is how they will learn. But they will also learn that I will speak up when I'm told to stand back. Will they tone me out? Yep, I am almost sure of it, but in my heart of hearts, I won't have any future regret for not taking a stand in trying to steer my kids to stay on the right path. I know someday soon they will be on their own, and they are going to do what they want to do and will come to me when they need a friend or guidance, but for now I am not their friend - I am their mother and I am the only mother they have in this world! I will say and do things they are not going to like, and they are not going to understand what it was I am trying to do, for a very long time or mabye after I am long gone.  

So, my dear boys, if you see this someday or your friends tell you...wow you made your mothers blog today, please know - You two and your dad are the reasons why I get up in the morning. My intensions are filled with only love and what is best for all of you, all of us as a family. Why I struggle in this dreery economy to do my part to help make our financial ends meet. You are the reasons why I chose and still choose to live. To sum it up in the three most important words in the world - "I LOVE YOU!" and I always will.