"Is It Breast Cancer?" Part One

 

She stood in the driveway that cool, dusky early Friday morning, teetering on a fine line between, going over the edge, and snapped. Fearing the worst and hoping for the best, she asked her husband - "What do I do?" He looked at her with his best face to keep her spirits positive, but his eyes revealed a soul that was remembering her battle with lymphoma that she had faced in 1994 - and survived. He was scared what the tests would reveal and all he wanted was to jump in his truck, go to work, hope that all of this was nothing more than a muscle injury and that tomorrow - life would go back to normal. Breast cancer were the two words that had the ability to shake this man to tears as his birth mother had succumbed to this dreadful disease before he had ever had the opportunity to meet the woman who had given him life.

As he got into his truck, she kissed him, a little longer than normal, allowing herself to feel the softness of his lips. She stood in the driveway, a little longer than normal, as she watch him heading off to work. She closed her eyes and took in the smell of the morning air, a little longer than normal, enjoying a moment of quiet before the city would awake. She was doing everything and anything to capture the moments before the unknown would be revealed.

***

Two days earlier she began experiencing significant pain in her left breast and after doing a self-examination, while standing in the shower, she never expected to find the large rock like mass beneath the skin. "How is this possible? I felt fine yesterday?" She said softly through her tears. Images of her family and special moments presented themselves in her memories as her slideshow of life and how blessed she has been. "Please God; please don't take me from my family. I can't leave them, not now...not ever." The sounds of the hot water beating off her skin, masked the sounds of her deepening sorrow. She felt completely broken. There were no doctors she could call until the next day, which meant she was going to have to do her best to remain calm and try to get through the evening hours until the arrival of a new day.

That night, as she lay on the bed trembling, her husband lay down beside her and held her tightly in his arms. With the exception of the exchange of the words - I love you - which they have said to each other every night before falling asleep - no other words were spoken. She did her best to contain her tears, trying to be strong for him, but the growing lump in her throat made hiding her fears extremely difficult. As she lay there watching him fall asleep, eventually her fears turned to exhaustion, and she found the ability to close her eyes, letting the warmth of his skin next to hers, help her relax and fall asleep as well.

The next morning began like any day before her discovery. Breakfasts were made, lunch money handed out, and everyone was on their way to school and work, leaving her home alone to watch the hands on the clock over the mantel, as they slowly reached nine o'clock. She called her doctor’s office to inform them of her discovery and what should she do, only to be told they would have to call her back. She had always had the ability to stay strong for those hurting around her, but when left alone, this body of strength was weak as a broken soul could be.

With her head in her hands, she sat at her dining room table in the warmth of the golden rays of the sun that shown brightly through the picture window and the cordless phone placed within her reach. Ten minutes after her call, the phone rang – it was one of the nurses from the internal medicine clinic. There was a growing urgency and concern in her voice as she explained the situation and what needed to be done before she could come into the clinic on Friday. Panic raced rapidly through her mind, body and soul while the nurse went into detail as she did her best to calmly explain the situation at hand - that was beginning to feel like a total nightmare.  

 

To be continued…

BANTER VS. HUNGER - What a morning!

You know it's going to be a long day, when you hear something on the radio and your instantly triggered with an opinion.  Now, 5:05am, I'd rather think of better things like; Is it the weekend yet? Is it payday? What could I make good for dinner? Will my husband and son be working late on the job tonight? But this wasn't the case for today. I was triggered by a commercial about hunger in America., followed by the topic of the day for people to call in and voice their opinions, "How the presidential candidates have been paying thousands upon thousands of dollars to slam, slander, bash, and out point the other ones current and past faults and do American's like this political banter or not." Now to know me is to know that I turn and run in the opposite direction on any topics that are politically charged, but this time I almost called in, but withheld doing so, as I work for the Radio station I was listening to.

Frankly, I was appalled to hear what people had to say. "REALLY FOLKS - THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS WAISTED SO EACH CANIDATE CAN POINT FINGERS ABOUT EACH OTHERS RIGHTS AND WRONGS AND YOU SAY IT’S OK TO SPEND THIS KIND OF MONEY!"  How about this idea if you want to be the President. If you truly want the job or better yet...my vote. Put the money you spend to bash one another to more important issues. A perfect example; feed the hungry we have in the USA! Take all that money and put it towards the deficit that keeps growing every day. Stop the idea of taxing people who can't afford to buy into this new healthcare - and why can't they? They have been on unemployment for god only knows how long and they have to make bigger decisions - do we pay the electric today or do we feed our children?  I am very tired of this political bullshit. I am tired of seeing people struggle. It rips my heart out when I hear that people I know are losing their homes because their financial investments are gone because of the bad economy, that good people are making bad decisions out of fear, anguish, and depression.  People who are facing a personal hell, no matter the reason, the people around them suffer too.

To either candidate - If you want to be an effective President, no matter who is elected, then be a leader who listens to All the people ALL of the time, not some of the people all of the time that will better your growing resume. Remember gentlemen. You have, and the people throughout this world have, children who are also going to be affected by future tomorrows, long after your time in office, by the choices each of you make today. Don't stand at your podiums and tell us what we want to hear, show us that you heard us. Actions speak louder than words. Show us that the constitution really means something and is not just on display in Washington DC to bring in tourists to generate revenue.

The words within our constitution have depth, meaning, and soul.

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

What would our founding fathers think if they could see us now? How do you want to be remembered; for the way we once were, the way we are now, or the way we could be because someone dared to step outside the box and make a solid difference.

To my readers out there, again, this is merely my opinion. I’m not asking you to agree or disagree. I just found it to be so frustrating that callers were voicing their opinion why these endless high dollar election bash fest television ads are justified. All the while the commercial about how the family next door is privately starving stabs my thoughts like an endless beeping alarm clock without an off switch. Who knows maybe it was intentional to get people thinking, like the way it took hold of me. Before the radio came on, I pondered, maybe I’ll go back to bed.  Now I sit wanting to vent as I just can’t seem to wrapped my head around the fact that it seems that priorities different across the board in the world of today vs. the world of yesterday.

Here’s hoping that the struggles that each of you may be facing, are met with strength, courage, and know that you are not alone. That one day the future will be so bright – We’ll all have to wear shades.

Thanks for joining me today and as always – Blog ya later.

(Wow I didn't think this blog would generate so many emails in a positive light, in less than an hour. Many thanks)

Inspirational Song for the day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ssv4Ht0wInU

Righting My Wrongs

I sit here troubled this morning and wonder, what would you do in the name of love for your child/children?  If you saw them on a path of wrongs, would you try to right them...ok or atleast some of them? What if your child/children decided that the best respect they could show you, is none...would you accept that or continue to teach why respect is vital, not just for one's parents, but for all the people? Do you have a child or children that justs tone you out on a daily basis? I'm sure we all do now and again. While everyone out there that has or has had children, have their own methods of parenting, I am sure many of my questions could have been the very same questions that danced inside your thoughts while parenting. Yet, how would you feel if you realized that what was happening in your life now was because of something years ago?

I saw a quote by Christina Ricci, in a magazine the other day that really hit home, "You have to make a decision that you're not going to be crippled by your insecurities". She is so right and I have done just that. Here is my story of parental awakening.

Becoming a new mother while undergoing cancer treatments was a challenge. It was up to me to keep the home front going why my husband endured long hours at work to make financial ends meet. I had the baby stuff and the house wife stuff, for the most part, down to a science until I let fear of the unknown get its grips on me. It didn't matter if it was health related, people related, life related, I felt like a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. My biggest worry...ok fear, was that my children would be hurt or get hurt as they grew from the infants that came home from the hospital to young men, to young adults. I guess one could say, because of that intense fear - I sheltered them. Yikes, I've actually said it, wow there it is in print and to read and see it has moved me to tears. I have made it public, one of my many flaws that I am willing to take responsiblity for.  I had to start somewhere.

I let my own insecurities of the bad in the world, the unknown dangers, and feelings that I had, to constantly protect them, take full control. This is my belief as to why I feel they lack some life and social skills.  But it doesn't stop there. I also wanted them to look at me as the best mom in the world, what mother doesn't want that feeling, and they would always cherrish and love me. So why did this mom think this way - because she did everything for them. I created a world where they have been living like little kings. I was always picking up after them when they should have been learning to pick up their own things. Getting their laundry out of their rooms for them, when they should have been getting the laundry in the hamper for me. fighting their battles for them, ok and at times protecting them when there should have been consequences and the list goes on and on and on. I feel that by doing all these things and so much more for them, they never learned responsiblity and to respect themselves.  I've always heard if you don't love yourself, you can't love others, and I can say the same for respect, if you don't have respect for yourself, your home and/or your things, how can you be respectful for other people and their things?

So with all this opening up on my part and sharing my struggles within, where am I going with all of this? My boys need to understand that what I do and say as a parent now, is not out of hate, it is out of love. They run to their dad, hoping to over throw the Queen, by going to the King playing him against her. So the first important lesson now - The King and Queen are now comparing stories and that lies will get one nowhere.

For one, I have two years, and the other, four years, to correct my wrongs and to instill years worth of teaching into a short time frame. To the outside world, not to many know the new challeges we are facing as parents of two teenage boys. Right now I am the bad guy in the eyes of my older son, and I can safely say he is cussing the ground I walk on, because of the new life lessons being implemented. The second important lesson, my husband and I are a team, No means no, and if we ask you do to something, it will be when we ask, not when it is convenient.  My youngest son is a very quick learner, guess we caught it in time. (smile). The oldest is like trying to break a young stallion that has been so used to his word as being the "My Way World". 

It was just last night that I finally talked with my oldest son as a young adult and not a young man. Words of advice, if you want your kids to listen, put them in the car with you and drive around. In a car your voice is buffed, less annoying than a house that echoes. A drive home from an event last night, I finally admitted to him that I take full responsibilty as to why he does what he does. That I have learned that he needs important life skills to venture out into this huge mass called life. That he needs to be mind full that he is almost 18 and life will change for him both dramatically and drastically. Things he says and things he does could have either a postivie or a negative impact. He will now also have to be exceptionally mindful of his behaviors around the young ladies. I think this was a lot for him to take in and yes I am sure I am the bad guy this morning, but I have to start somewhere on this issue too. Yes I know that both my kids will make mistakes, that is how they will learn. But they will also learn that I will speak up when I'm told to stand back. Will they tone me out? Yep, I am almost sure of it, but in my heart of hearts, I won't have any future regret for not taking a stand in trying to steer my kids to stay on the right path. I know someday soon they will be on their own, and they are going to do what they want to do and will come to me when they need a friend or guidance, but for now I am not their friend - I am their mother and I am the only mother they have in this world! I will say and do things they are not going to like, and they are not going to understand what it was I am trying to do, for a very long time or mabye after I am long gone.  

So, my dear boys, if you see this someday or your friends tell you...wow you made your mothers blog today, please know - You two and your dad are the reasons why I get up in the morning. My intensions are filled with only love and what is best for all of you, all of us as a family. Why I struggle in this dreery economy to do my part to help make our financial ends meet. You are the reasons why I chose and still choose to live. To sum it up in the three most important words in the world - "I LOVE YOU!" and I always will.