"So I Could Find My Way" by Stacey L. Bolin

My hands are trembling as I find the ability to write once again, it's like riding a bike, you never forget. The sounds of the keyboard clicking beneath my fingers brings a comforting feeling like a hug from that special person you haven't seen in years. Since my travels that took me from my home of 22 years, I fell off the face of the earth in the world of writing.  My love for writing had soured. I won't lie, never have, and won't start now. I was so FUCKEN angry!! I could spit nails every time I opened my mouth. I was pissed off that my home was now occupied by anyone other than my family. I loved my home, I loved my life, and all I wanted was my husband and boys with me. I also lived with a sense of peace by having all my doctors so close...I felt safe. Yet, all that safety was ripped from me when the one person I needed the most told me he didn't love me at the time. He had been mislead for years, with the biggest lie being that life would be better when he moved back to the west. The only thing I will say is that the reality of that painted wonderful life lasted only six months. In December his soul that believed all things were good and kind had been destroyed and had to be rebuilt once again, but I'll get back to that.

For years I honestly thought I was invincible, nothing could hurt me, or at least I could pretend it didn't when in actuality, I had transformed into a clinical case of what I like to call the Hollow Bunny syndrome, Solid on the outside, empty and dark on the inside and so deeply saddened. My sugar coated hope was to transition into a new life in a remote location on a Ranch to rent that was located in a place called Rocky Hollow, that my husband had found only three days before selling our home. It was a relief to know I finally knew we had a place to rest our head and I hoped from what I had seen from google earth, a place to call home until the next move.  Life in Rocky Hollow was like being a part of the Wonderful World of Disney shows that were televised on Sunday nights. It reminded me of my favorite documentary that had been about the life of the cougar. It was like living on a Disney set that was an animal reservation, and I was in love with the feeling of peace that consumed me soon as we drove down into the Hollows. It was everything I envisioned at the age of 9 of what the wild west would and should be like.  When we pulled into the driveway I was overjoyed that the world up on the prairie lands no longer existed in my mind. We were nestled within the trees and rocky hills. It was a dream come true and all was wonderful until my husband went back to work. For the first few months I did all I could to convince myself that all was right in the world, but day by day my intuition was screaming in the back of my mind and one day I decided to act upon this feeling and discovered on August 3, 2016 a negative element found its way into our lives again, or better yet had not been dealt with as I had been promised, but neither of us had the strength to put it in its place and it set a ticking health bomb that was waiting to explode.

My days were filled with a whole new set of challenges with the most worrisome being when the health bomb eventually went off and I had a heart attack in September 2016. A nurses honest words still haunt... noticing that my ER doctors bedside manner sucked, she provided some words of guidance, she was calm as she told me that I was very sick and if my younger son had not been with me to see the signs and if I sign myself out of the hospital, because I'm so goddamn stubborn... they would been planning my funeral that following Tuesday. Talk about shake some sense into a person, a sense that was also laced with sheer fear and that non-stop want to runaway. I'm not proud of myself when I say I let fear take control and I left my home in Rocky Hollow, on Oct 5th, 2016. I left my husband, I left my boys, I left everything behind with no plans to return. 

My husband took me to the airport and I did my best to  conceal any emotion that I was broken, and as scary as it sounds, he had no idea I was leaving and he was the only person who could fix the problem if he wanted me back.  It was later, in my travels, that I learned that I had just as much fixing to do with myself. I hugged him and gave him a quick kiss then turned and walked away. I was leaving the man of my dreams. The one who had stepped into my sleeping dreams on that cool winter night in November of 1988 the man in the red van that needed my help. I had only bought a one way ticket to NH to see my mother and then my plans were to go back to Annapolis to see my friends before veering off into a new and unknown world that left me feeling old, cold and alone.

Being back in New Hampshire was bittersweet. I was home, but I carried an emptiness along with my luggage while my husband and boys were living their lives back in Nebraska. As I drove, I began the long journey of self discovery. What had I done to those around me, what had I said, but all I could feel was the reactions of being angry to things that were of no control of mine. That I had made so many promises...AND KEPT THEM ALL! But those who had made promises to me didn't keep them. I needed to find the woman I was before I went into the service and the woman that fought a battle with cancer and survived, the woman who stood up to a bullies, that believed in the power within herself, the woman that would do anything to help someone, the woman who was caring, loving, and compassionate.  The woman who had built herself a small company and loved art. Yet the most important lesson that needed to be figured out...how to find the woman within me who loved herself again, because she knows you have to learn to love yourself before you can honestly love another.

My mother and I spent much needed quality time together, something we had not done in years. She had always been my rock, and this time wasn't any different, she set me straight and what I needed to do to be the woman she knew that lived inside me. It was a great feeling to have a sense of confidence back as I worked feverishly on an order of Crystal snowflakes for a wedding. This was to be my first order since I had temporarily shut my business down during the move. For the three and a half weeks I was there, I had completed the order and felt accomplished. My husband and I had as many phone conversations as his over the road trucking job, without much time off, would allow us. As we shared phone calls with each other into the wee hours of the night at times, I felt myself going back in time, back too 1992 when my mother lived in Hillsboro, NH, and when my Seabee guy decided to fly to New Hampshire to get Married on May 6th.  I felt like that gitty young twenty something girl falling in love all over again. Something was changing inside me that I had never felt before. I was finally letting go of many years of sadness, I was learning that the only person that had control over my happiness was me. It was then I discovered I still loved him, maybe even more than I had thought. I decided that the past was the past and if I wanted things to work out, we had to get back to the place that we were when we met. Baby step...but we've gone through worse. On October 18th, I had decided I was not up for the long drive to Annapolis, and hopped a Southwest flight to Baltimore. I was a bit over confident, how hard could it be to go back and see all my friends and  do a follow up with my doctor. With my new found independence, I believed that going back to Annapolis would be a piece of cake...I WAS SO SO WRONG.

Not a lot of people know that I suffer from Anxiety/PTSD that can result in panic attacks that are so sever that the best of inhalers can't stop the effect and before you know it, you're in the ER. As the plane landed, I was relatively calm, and the sights outside the airplane window found comfort within my subconscious as a feeling that I was home. I was in complete denial that I had ever left and that my family was home waiting for me in Annapolis. I was so excited to see them. To sit out on our deck and listen to the sounds of the city. Karma was about to hit me with everything it had. When I got off the plane and made my way to the rental car transportation pick-up point, something immediately changed, something was horribly wrong and it was at that moment I felt so alone. I took a selfie of me smiling and sent it to my friend Radene, trying to hide the panic that was trying to consume my ability to function. Questions by the thousands hit me like a load of brinks. All revolving around the same topic that I was there and my family wasn't.

I got my rental car and headed for Annapolis. As I merged with the evening rush hour traffic, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, I was lost both mentally and physically. What seemed like hours trying to get out of the airport location and back to the highways I knew and had driven for 20 plus years, The only place I managed to get to was the Walmart on Quarterfield road.  I sat in the parking lot suffering from a total melt down as I was faced with a sinking feeling that the reality I was facing was that I no longer had a place to go home too  in Annapolis. Our little Blue Rancher on Boxwood Road no longer belonged to us. WHAT HAD I DONE! I hadn't only given up my home, I was giving up my family, but for what? The past, old memories that I can look through pictures and enjoy. As I sat alone weeping for the past, and wanting to know what my future was, I completely gave myself  for the first time to god and asked him for a sign. Immediately my phone rang, it was my husband. I know he didn't understand me as I let myself cry without worry who would hear or see me. He got me calmed down and suggested it may be better to stay in a different hotel rather than the one he and I used to stay at when we wanted a hot tub fix. I agreed and I got a room on the Naval Base. I'm glad I did. While I stayed on the base, I realized what I wanted and what I needed to do to get my life back. One by one my husband and my boys realized that the lies that I had been accused of creating were not of my doing I was just the prime target so they would see me in a different light, again I thank the good lord that they are seeing and hearing first hand I was not the liar they were led to believe I was. It's still difficult for them to accept what and who are the real problems and the players, but day by day, the behaviors of others are showing their true colors. Part of this is the reason my husband decided to leave his job to regroup, the other reason I am not at liberty to share. I know he has dreams of owning his own business and I know as a family we will make all our dreams come true. I'm so proud of him and my boys and together we will keep that CAN-DO spirit that drives us forward.

Another wonderful moment was when I discovered my intuition had finally come back full steam and I've added a little something more to the me I want to be. I thank both my therapists who have finally helped me see that I am not allowed to take on other peoples problems. My new belief is that when people do you wrong, you ask for an apology and move on. never let anyone blame you for their unhappiness, lies, and bad choices. I chose to be a kind, loving, understanding, honest, compassionate, and trustworthy person, but I also chose not to hold on to what hurts me or to take blame for what is not mine and to teach myself that once a person/s loose my trust, it may never come back and that too is not my problem. I will take care of problems immediately and if I did something wrong I take responsibility and apologize. I will protect my family from those who intentionally seek out to hurt them, emotionally, verbally, physically, and financially. My family knows exactly what is expected of them and what I expect out of myself.  I will hold people accountable for their negative actions and I am no longer any body's personal punching bag because of their life choices, AND I WON'T BE BLAMED FOR SHIT I DIDN'T SAY OR DO! No more!

Anyways, as for my stay in Annapolis, it was cut short to five days, as I realized it was time for me to get back to my family. I am thankful that I was able to spend some time with my friend Radene and Paula (Miss you ladies), but my instinct told me it was time for me to go home and regain control over my life and make my business everything I dream it can be. To be the wife, best friend and lover that I had always been, just got lost but now found. To be the mother my boys can come to and know that I will guide them the best way I know how, but that their choices in life is exactly that...their choices. It is still so hard to believe that I had been gone for almost five weeks and at the beginning of those weeks I had just about given up on everything and everyone I loved, but it really makes me step back and take a look at my life. I can see clearly now that obviously this is where I am supposed to be, Here on the Ranch where I now call home. Business is doing great, my dreams to open up an art studio to teach art and ceramics to Veterans is still kinda on hold until we figure out where to put our new roots in the ground, but that hasn't stopped me instead I teach art classes at a great place called Laura Lee's Double L Country Store and Café. in Harrisburg, NE.

As life does, it's given me another challenge and I have another pending medical issue that has come upon me, but this time I'm not afraid to ask for love and prayers from friends and family, and I welcome my name placed upon the prayer tree. I'll know more in a few days, and if all else, maybe this is another reason I chose this day to put my hands upon my keyboards and let my words appear once again. Now before I forget, I have something else to share about the changes in my life....

And it's the best news of all, my kids are doing great and  hold on to your hats folks... my husband and I are going to be Grandparents. WOOT! WOOT! Can't think of a better reason to start writing again. Life is all about ups and downs, but as long as you're with the people that you love and love you, you can take the good and the bad of what life dishes out and overcome. Stay Positive My Friends and gonna keep this promise too...I will Blog ya later.

I Hate Getting Flashbacks from Things I don't want to Remember.

I knew after entering the building, that on this winter windy night – I was never going to be the same. My anxiety had been heightened all week long as I stewed on the invite to spend time with friends at a bar just on the outskirts of Hillsmere, Maryland to enjoy a DJ’d karaoke night and a few games of pool. We arrived early to get the best seats in the house, right next to the dance floor. As I sat enjoying conversation with my husband, I’m horrified as I see myself walk through the door. She is a blonde with a big smile and is laughing with two other friends.  My darkened inner world tells me it’s Donna and Crystal – but the reality is that I’m in Annapolis, Maryland, but I see 25 years ago in Adak, Alaska at that very same moment. My instinct tells me to run, my heart smiles to see my husband making full eye contact with me when my gaze is not distracted by false images of a flashback that is trying to convince me that I have returned to the past.

 A smell that doesn’t belong there entombs me – mom’s house, the peach air fresheners, the smell of fresh cut grass, the sounds of the ocean as seagulls fly over - these things help me wear a faux smile - but doesn’t release the invisible grip of my rapidly growing paralyzing fear.  I don’t want to be there, I want to go home, but say nothing as I don’t want my friends to know that I’m scared, I’m vulnerable, and I want this pain to finally go away. A master of hiding what hurts me, is what I believe I am – I am so very wrong!!!!

 I briefly turn to alcohol, to try to cut the fear - a temporary fix as the events of the night begin to unfold. I’m asked to turn around and look at the lady in the booth behind us – The blonde, people are laughing, they are taking pictures – I see my attacker and a video camera. She is dazed, dizzy, confused – she has been drugged and I must save her before he gets her. But I’m told it’s not my business and to not pay any attention to it. It’s up to the bartenders to take care of her. Elizabeth is who I see when I look over to the worker behind the bar to find this woman help. But nobody listens and tells me to turn away. I’m confused as the smell of my mother’s home during the same year I was assaulted - once again entombs me. I’m agitated, angry, scared, and mad, that my mind is telling me that nobody is doing anything to help this woman as men keep coming over to touch her, offering false assistance. She falls to the floor unable to stand unassisted. Nobody helps her – My friends immediately take charge to get the woman out of the building and away from males who are taking interest.

I’m told that my friend will be back as she takes the blonde outside, I turn to be face to face with a false image of my assailant as my arm is touched. I’m angry, I’m mad and something kicks in after all these years I'm no longer afraid, I’m bold, assertive, and I'm confident that my suit of armor is one of steel not tin foil  – “DO NOT TOUCH ME!” I command without fear. When I return to my table, I am angry  as I see a drunk woman sitting next to my husband, I don’t shy away this time – I speak up for myself, this woman will not take over my night with my husband and my friends. I find courage; I find a voice that I can hear as I speak. “Get up this isn’t your seat and that’s not your husband!” She tries to meet me with resistance and attitude – she's unaware I am fueled by excessive flashbacks and are stronger and stronger as I am forced to see the past that I had blocked for so long. 25 years of being angry that a waitress - that resembles this unknown woman at our table - that helped my attacker by drugging my drink.  

I don't want this negative element near my family anymore. I'm following my instinct that is filtered with past and present gut instinct - she's fake, she's unwanted, she's trouble - I finally become a voice of confrontation - “Get the fuck up and move on.” My friends have never seen that in me – my husband has never seen that - and I've never done that publicly - clearly something is coming to a head, but I refocus as I’m asked to assist again two other women, who are the blonde's friends, and an unknown male that was also feeling the effects of something other than excessive alcohol. My friends and I take over the chaos to get these women out of the building and home safely. It is only after the women leave that my fears had been confirmed - In the purse of one of the women - were the drugs that took a negative form of control on what was a night of fun, dancing and singing with friends.

The one of the bartenders are apologetic, but I want no part of what feels like poor acting as if they care. I’m insulted when I’m brought a shot from the female bartender trying to express that she should have known better. I’m skeptical that something is in the drink and my attacker awaits me. She doesn’t see the flashback that is entertaining my thoughts and visions.  I only reply – when she finally acknowledges that it’s her fault when she saw these patrons in distress earlier and did nothing. It is then I am able to speak and say – “Yes, you are right.” She realized she should have done something about it. My friends and I saved these three women while another group of people helped the man who came with them, from the other side of the room, get home safely as well.

I feel I had finally been giving a chance to right the wrongs that haunted me - I couldn’t save my roommate in 1991 and that I didn’t know how to help the girls that reported to me what had happened to them, as I was dealing with my own shock of being sexually assaulted and my own command did nothing when I reported it to them. As the negative chaotic atmosphere of the evening dissolves -  I’m alone at the table, when it is at this moment, my icy heart of hate, is deteriorating- I don't want to let go of who I had become on the inside, bitter while at the same time - so loving but iced over. I have a small fire of feeling a glimpse of self-worth that is growing - I'm panicked by this new feeling as my emotions are overwhelmingly drenched by the beautiful sense of inner goodwill.

I comprehend at that moment I’m not terrified by the sense of touch from someone who is not my husband or family, and I finally allowing a supportive hug from a friend who offered comfort as I finally found the courage to share the darkness in my mind, with those around me. I’m over flowing with sobbing emotion – I was meeting for the first time -  the realization and full understanding that what happened to me in October of 1991 – WAS NOT MY FAULT!. I feel that this was the final act of destroying my inner hate, and was placed at a cross road - I'm giving one of only two choices - I could be the victor and claim my new shoes of life, or retreat to the darkened corner of my thoughts and place it there again, for another day to try to emerge as my heart and soul try to finally heal the years of pain, fear, and anguish.

I like the new shoes. They are a bit snug, but will mold to meet my needs as I move forward in a positive light. I will NEVER forget that I can’t change the past and can't go back, but I can learn from it and teach to others what it has now taught me. It is OK to be afraid of things – but never let it control your life, because all those days you waste hiding and worrying – are days of your life you can never get back and only added to the hate and resentment. I can't say that I'll ever be 100%, trauma really changes a person and their perspective on their lives and the people around them. I'd be lying if I said that I will never have to check a room before entering and I'll won't have to look over my shoulder all the time. There is just something things that change in a person and as for trusting, this is the clause embedded  among the walls of my mind.

"You're modern woman with strong morals and several surprising old fashion values. You will have to be very clear about who you are while also understanding that often times you will scare potential friendships away.  Your ability to trust is a process that is earned over time; nobody is entitled to it, no matter how privileged one may believe they are. If one gains your trust, always know the clause, guard it with your life, because once another loses your trust - it’s gone and it could take days, months, years, or maybe it will never be given back - Only you can make that choice of when or if ever."

"A New Year - A New Me"

 

It is 6:46 am, on the last Friday of 2012 and I sit here pondering what the New Year has in store. We survived the end of the Mayan Calendar. We survived another crazy election year with the outcome a bit disappointing, well at least that is of my own personal opinion that you do not have to agree with. We've seen countless acts of hate and violence over this year and now are for warned of a looming uncertainty of a fiscal cliff hanging over our heads. I think that with all this year has brought forth in our lives both in the world and personally, I can almost say I am feeling numb. As many of you know, I was on a quest to organize myself by the year 2013. I think I would be secure in saying that I accomplished only 70% of that goal, but something happened to me as I held myself publicly accountable for my disorganized ways and has me moving forward in a positive way.

Swallowing my pride, I found myself a therapist and having been going since July of this year - It was the best damn thing I have ever done for myself.  I found out that I have been a survivor of a sexual assault that happened in Adak, Alaska when I was active duty military, that I chose to hold captive in my mind for 21 years and holds the keys to acceptable reasons why I am a sporadic cluttered mess, among other things. I wish I had all the answers, but I am told that the process comes in three phases and I am just beginning phase two, which I am told is not a picnic. I've learned what triggers are, how they can greatly affect a person, and how to deal with whatever emotions stem from things that trigger me.  It can be a sound, smell, a place, a person, any number of things can be a trigger that generates the painful memory of what took place and that can alter a person and cause extreme behaviors. I am still on the denial train that I had been such a difficult person to deal with on occasion, but looking back on the last twenty years, I will take responsibility and say - yes I was over reactive, untrusting, controlling, fearful on so many levels that it even altered my work habits. I found myself on the verge of being a hoarder and scared to open up completely with anyone - including my family. (No more secrets…now you know why I did what I did, but I am not asking for your pity. It is what it is and I can’t change it, and I am at peace that people now have the information to offer some type of explanation.) There have been many friendships that have been destroyed because of my ways, and other friendships have fallen to the wayside because people didn't understand why I would react the way that I do with their negative comments that were “a joke” in their eyes. (Some joke. Never mess with a couple’s relationship nothing good can come from it.)

I guess I would say that I am taking a stand and confronting my stress disorder by making you all aware of what people could be going through and you may never know. I used to fake a smile and laugh, as I fear being judged if I showed you how much I was hurting. I hid my tears as I feared it would show my weakness and how venerable I really was. I loved so much that it pushed people away and I enjoy attention in a positive way, even if it appears that I don’t.  I like to consume myself with my art work as that is my therapy when I'm not sitting in a room spilling my problems to a person once a week (who I trust) who can remain neutral.

My New Year’s resolution is to resume on a positive path that I am building. I will continue to keep the weight off and steer clear of negative forces that try to shake me up. I am asking for your understanding and support as I journey deeper into the memories that have been safeguarded in my mind. That there could be days where happiness may not find me or that I may not want to smile, but if you wish to share one with me, I would be very grateful, even though you may not feel that I am.  I am just coming to the understanding that I have been kicking the can of denial and not only did it hurt me and alter me; it hurt many others along the way. So it's one day at a time, focusing on the three most important men in my life - My husband, who has stuck with me, when I would have left my ass years ago, and my two sons that are only just learning that mom really knows how to laugh and have fun. To my family and friends - thanks for hanging in there with me when times got crazy. I'm going to keep on with my writing and my quest to become 100% organized. I know I must be getting better as I was able to keep up with the orders on my web page for ornaments, which I haven't a clue how I did it. I painted over 1,000 ornaments and got them in the mail on time. I am stumped, but it did keep me from keeping up with my blog, which is something I also promise to be better attentive towards in the New Year. 

Many thanks to my continued readers even thought I have not kept up with my blog as I had hoped for the holiday seasons.  It is because of you the readers that I find the ability to bring my words and stories to the paper to share. I want to wish all of you and all the people of the world a very Happy, Healthy and Safe New Year. Let’s do our best to try to instill Peace on Earth and good will towards all. Until next time – Blog Ya Later Alligator!

A song that I remembered when I was a young girl in 1977 - When times were simple. Still brings a smile to my face. Enjoy.  (It's just another New Year's Eve)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3wSP59NjoIY

 

Sometime Life Just Hurts

I found this on a website for wives who are coping with spouses with PTSD, but realized as I read the words slowly trying to take in each meaning, and honestly thinking it was written just for me, I know it wasn’t, I found that this can be applied to anyone’s daily life and so I wanted to share this with you. It really does speak volumes.

***

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you'll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, and no second chances. You just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all; live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back.

***

Really does speak out doesn’t it? So, upon reading this my favorite quote came to mind as well – “When life gives you lemons, make orange juice and have them all wondering how you did it.”

Hope you all have a wonderful day – Blog ya later – Stacey