"Right Before My Eyes"

 

Well hello to everyone in internet land. It's been a crazy few days, but for the most part, we have gotten through with only a few bumps in the road. I was notified of a medical situation that will require testing next Tuesday - yes I rather fear the testing process. For this situation, I think its best I do what the doctors advise, but laughed hysterically when they continue to say to me in a straight face - remain stress free. I hear the belly starting to roll again just thinking about it.  "Remain Stress Free", is what I'm thinking to myself as I optimistically listen to the doctors words. My husband and I just joined the Temporary Empty Nester's Training last week, the USA soccer team lost, my kids are west without my husband and I, my husband hates the humid temperatures right now as it triggers war memories, I have a friend who has been battling an infection that placed her into the hospital since early this week and I have to have a lumbar puncture to test the pressure in my brain - so stay stress free - Riigggghhhhhttttt. Wow, that was kind of nice to vent, I feel some weight off my mind already. *Wink*

Ok, so I poke fun at the doctor’s advice, but realistically, I am heeding what he said until I get my tests completed. While keep my life at the most lowest key – and still get out of bed – I have found ways to be productive and, ha ha ha, stress free. I've managed to discover that where my computers screen sits, is actually on a desk - yes the creative eclectic clutter is gone. Say that one three times fast.  It's a nice desk, a dark wood top done in a nice white wash on the sides and doors, oh oh but wait, it gets even better. The bigger discovery - as I clean my office out - I have a book shelf to match. (smile). Ok, I'm being a bit dramatic, but I'm a writer - what's your superpower? LOL.

Now dramatic, you'll love this little story I am about to tell you. It's rather embarrassing, but I'm sure I am not the only person in the world that was faced with a dilemma and the answer was staring them in the face the whole time. Ok, let me tell you the situation.

As I lay in bed early Tuesday morning I got a call from a friend that had asked me to help her put in her air conditioning unit in her windows, as she had been under the weather for some time and was feeling overall weakness.  Confidently I reply "Yes, I can come over and do that, I've put those things in so many times I can do it with my eyes closed." Open mouth insert foot.

When I arrived at her home, I went upstairs and began to attempt to put the unit into the window - something was missing and the unit alerted me that if I didn't do something different it was going to fall to its death on the sidewalk below. "Oh, it needs to have the bar screwed onto the top - One bar, no screws to secure it - YIKES!" I thought to myself trying to give it my MacGyver ingenuity.

I tried to take screws from one item to compensate for the ones that were missing - epic fail. I was baffled in my mind as I tried to wear the look of knowledge. My friend then suggested that maybe it was time to get a new one for the downstairs, "K-Mart has a great sale," I blurted out, while also thinking, "I can get some screws to put this one in and it will stay in place the right way."

Not knowing if I would make it back before they had to go to an appointment, I got a key to her home, then I headed out to the store to make my purchases as my friend and a family member made their way to the hospital. I found the deal of a lifetime and now my friend is the owner of a brand new window shaker, a.k.a. an air conditioner – no more Maryland sweltering heat and humidity.

 

 

Immediately a melody comes into mind when I think back on the next part of my story. So if you'd like the full effect - click onto the link below to add some comedic relief as you read. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MK6TXMsvgQg

 

The unit was boxed tightly with three very strong plastic straps. Not having a utility knife or scissors, I used a small hand held hack saw and cut through the ridged plastic. I then proceeded to lift the box bending at the knees and applying all my strength when suddenly, just the top and sides abruptly came off causing me to jolt back and fall onto the floor. “Thank goodness nobody saw this,” I thought to myself.

I got up, dusted off my pride, and proceeded to prepare the window to install the Cooling Box. (Deal with me as I attempt to be creative and try to come up with as many alternate words to describe a window air conditioner. Smile.) I unlocked the window and tried to pull the window open – no movement. I stood puzzled and intently looked the locking mechanism over. I discovered there were other areas that locked on either side of the window, so I made sure they were opened and then again proceeded to pull up on the window to open it – still nothing. Now the main window lock has only two positions – open and closed, but you’ll never guess what I did – turned it back to the lock position thinking it was a trick lock and tried to open the window again – NOTHING! Grrrrr! “What the hell is the mystery of this flipping window” I cursed out loud to myself. Again, I went back to the lock and switched it back to open. I think the person walking by the window found great humor to see me sweating and cursing when once again I pulled up on the window and – STILL NOTHING! The bitch wasn’t budging. I paced back and forth scratching the top of my head with one hand and the other position tightly on a hip.

I began to talk to the window asking it to be nice for me and just open so that I could get this Electric Chilling Cube in place. What do you think happened? Do you think the window finally opened?  Guess again – a two foot piece of bamboo fell on my head that had been cut and placed as another security device to keep the windows locked. “What the…?” I said looking it over wondering where it came from. Instantly Sir Isaac Newton’s: The Universal Law of Gravitation - hit me. I proceeded to open the window one last time – IT OPENED! I was so happy, I got everything screwed and snapped together and got it placed just right, closed the window down on it to keep the cold wind machine in place. I was so proud of myself – when it happened. As I picked up the cord to plug it into the socket light dawned in the dark space of my brain - UUUGGGHHHH!!!!! I had put it in the wrong window! But I had an ace in the hole - I removed the bamboo, unlocked the locks and in less that Ten minutes I found myself sitting on a chair, running my fingers through my sweat drenched hair, as the Window Wind Vortex box blew ice cold air in my face. A true Benny Hill moment - I'm so relieved to know that it's not on camera, though it would have been a funny Youtube moment.

I hope you like my comic relief this morning. Just a little something to lighten your possible stressors of the day and to let you know, we all have those kinds of moments where the answers to our problems are sometimes staring us in the face, but with so much going through our minds, we forget to see the bigger picture.  Thanks for reading and have a safe, happy and healthy Independence Day tomorrow. Blog ya later.

Cluttered Mind = Cluttered Life?

We'll happy Thursday everyone. I have not forgotten you and I have received your topic requests with many asking for my advice on how to cope with negative emotions caused by trauma (I'm not certified to give advice, and won't. I will only share my personal experiences in that field as we all are different and handle things differently). The other, biggy blog request (Wow, say that three times fast) - to set a new quest of being debt free by 2014. Yikes!  You saw how bad I did with organizing my house, but I am really starting to understand the words of my therapist when he says, that a cluttered mind is a cluttered life. That statement rings oh so true in my case. The emotions of a past negative event has caused me to store so much crap in my thoughts that there are days when it all wants to come out, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Where is Clint Eastwood when you need him to do the dirty work and clean everything up? *Wink* But what is the scariest part of my thoughts, could there really be a happier me wanting to show its true colors? God I  hope so, but I know I have to take this quest, one minute at a time. The good thing is that I feel that it's there, but I'm so afraid of being hurt again by stigmas, and stereotypes, that had been placed on me in years past - I tend to be very guarded. I can't help but wonder - was my personality so bad, that is was better to overlook it and bad mouth me to others instead of saying - "Stacey I think you need some help?" I'm sure some will say hell yeah! I know, sometimes we ask someone what is wrong, and you find you have lost 6 hours of your life that you can't get back, other times, the 6 hours is not enough to just listen without judgment and hear the one important statement that surfaces in the jumbled mass of verbiage to alert another to why a person is dealing with such emotional stress. For me, when I tried to speak, I was labeled a drama queen and/or crazy bitch. So sad that people found it easier to label the unknown and turn away from me. Could it be that labeling a person freed their guilt of walking away? As I stand back and watch the world around me, I realize that I am nobody special in this category; people do this to others all the time, especially on social media - that's even worse.   I saw the quote above, on Facebook this morning and it speaks in volumes. It is only now that I am learning that with each word that I hear, I have to decide what importance it has in my life, is it positive, constructive, loving, helpful or negative and hurtful. That is a difficult task for a person that never really listened to anything but the negative. By learning the tool of effective listening, it is shedding some light on what I want for the future for myself and family.

So yesterday, I decided that it was time to remove this debt shroud that has been covering my family finances for years. I went through my paperwork detail for detail, telling myself that I can't change what happened in the past, I can't get all the late charges and fees reversed, but I know how to avoid ever being plagued by them again. My goal is to have all of our debt paid in full, with the exception of our Mortgage, and one truck payment, one year from now. It can be done if I am doing the math right, but means that it will require strict financial discipline - and my continued weekly visits to my therapist. So my readers that sent the requests to report once a week on my progress with surviving in a bad economy and becoming debt free - You got it, but realize that I may not be able to keep up with my desire to be a daily blogger until I learn this routine in  my day called - going to work. On that note, I'm going to start my day and tackle the motherly duties I have on my list today, so be kind to one another and know that the sun can come up tomorrow if you just find it in yourself to believe. And on days you just can't find that strength to believe and all else appears to be failing, do what I do and put a song on that reaches deep into your happy place and play it as loud as your speakers and your neighbors will allow.  Below is the link to my happy song for the week - who knows, try it on for size...maybe it's your too.

Be sure to visit again, as my next topic is entitled "Is it Breast Cancer?" A true story.  Until next time - Blog ya later alligators.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSFLZ-MzIhM  - The Rainbow Connection - Kermit the Frog.

 

 

 

 



 

"A New Year - A New Me"

 

It is 6:46 am, on the last Friday of 2012 and I sit here pondering what the New Year has in store. We survived the end of the Mayan Calendar. We survived another crazy election year with the outcome a bit disappointing, well at least that is of my own personal opinion that you do not have to agree with. We've seen countless acts of hate and violence over this year and now are for warned of a looming uncertainty of a fiscal cliff hanging over our heads. I think that with all this year has brought forth in our lives both in the world and personally, I can almost say I am feeling numb. As many of you know, I was on a quest to organize myself by the year 2013. I think I would be secure in saying that I accomplished only 70% of that goal, but something happened to me as I held myself publicly accountable for my disorganized ways and has me moving forward in a positive way.

Swallowing my pride, I found myself a therapist and having been going since July of this year - It was the best damn thing I have ever done for myself.  I found out that I have been a survivor of a sexual assault that happened in Adak, Alaska when I was active duty military, that I chose to hold captive in my mind for 21 years and holds the keys to acceptable reasons why I am a sporadic cluttered mess, among other things. I wish I had all the answers, but I am told that the process comes in three phases and I am just beginning phase two, which I am told is not a picnic. I've learned what triggers are, how they can greatly affect a person, and how to deal with whatever emotions stem from things that trigger me.  It can be a sound, smell, a place, a person, any number of things can be a trigger that generates the painful memory of what took place and that can alter a person and cause extreme behaviors. I am still on the denial train that I had been such a difficult person to deal with on occasion, but looking back on the last twenty years, I will take responsibility and say - yes I was over reactive, untrusting, controlling, fearful on so many levels that it even altered my work habits. I found myself on the verge of being a hoarder and scared to open up completely with anyone - including my family. (No more secrets…now you know why I did what I did, but I am not asking for your pity. It is what it is and I can’t change it, and I am at peace that people now have the information to offer some type of explanation.) There have been many friendships that have been destroyed because of my ways, and other friendships have fallen to the wayside because people didn't understand why I would react the way that I do with their negative comments that were “a joke” in their eyes. (Some joke. Never mess with a couple’s relationship nothing good can come from it.)

I guess I would say that I am taking a stand and confronting my stress disorder by making you all aware of what people could be going through and you may never know. I used to fake a smile and laugh, as I fear being judged if I showed you how much I was hurting. I hid my tears as I feared it would show my weakness and how venerable I really was. I loved so much that it pushed people away and I enjoy attention in a positive way, even if it appears that I don’t.  I like to consume myself with my art work as that is my therapy when I'm not sitting in a room spilling my problems to a person once a week (who I trust) who can remain neutral.

My New Year’s resolution is to resume on a positive path that I am building. I will continue to keep the weight off and steer clear of negative forces that try to shake me up. I am asking for your understanding and support as I journey deeper into the memories that have been safeguarded in my mind. That there could be days where happiness may not find me or that I may not want to smile, but if you wish to share one with me, I would be very grateful, even though you may not feel that I am.  I am just coming to the understanding that I have been kicking the can of denial and not only did it hurt me and alter me; it hurt many others along the way. So it's one day at a time, focusing on the three most important men in my life - My husband, who has stuck with me, when I would have left my ass years ago, and my two sons that are only just learning that mom really knows how to laugh and have fun. To my family and friends - thanks for hanging in there with me when times got crazy. I'm going to keep on with my writing and my quest to become 100% organized. I know I must be getting better as I was able to keep up with the orders on my web page for ornaments, which I haven't a clue how I did it. I painted over 1,000 ornaments and got them in the mail on time. I am stumped, but it did keep me from keeping up with my blog, which is something I also promise to be better attentive towards in the New Year. 

Many thanks to my continued readers even thought I have not kept up with my blog as I had hoped for the holiday seasons.  It is because of you the readers that I find the ability to bring my words and stories to the paper to share. I want to wish all of you and all the people of the world a very Happy, Healthy and Safe New Year. Let’s do our best to try to instill Peace on Earth and good will towards all. Until next time – Blog Ya Later Alligator!

A song that I remembered when I was a young girl in 1977 - When times were simple. Still brings a smile to my face. Enjoy.  (It's just another New Year's Eve)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3wSP59NjoIY

 

THE CALL THAT STOPPED THE CLUTTER CLEAN

Friday, January 27, 2012

THE CALL THAT STOPPED THE CLUTTER CLEAN

Let me start by saying, that no matter how much clutter I am faced to organize each day, my family will always come first if they need me, my ears, my advice, a hug, my help...you name it, I am there for them good or bad. So where do I start...Oh, I remember, It started out as any normal day would yesterday morning. I have been doing great with keeping up on putting things back in their rightful places. But have you ever had a situation when putting something back in their rightful place was a person? I know odd comment but I’ll explain soon. So, let’s begin today, with my philo that I believe to be fact. Life has a way of tripping you up, but if you’re prepared the outcome can be harmonious and life changing.

Yesterday I began my long to-do list, as I always do on Thursdays.  I have appointed Thursday as my day to leave the house early in the morning to get everything I need tended to that is out of the home.  My list included but was not limited to, taking the boy's to school, getting base stickers for both of our trucks, pick up prescriptions, get lab work done and go to the commissary. All of this accomplished before 10:00 am. I was feeling great that I had done so much in the course of three hours, I wanted to do something extra special for my honey.

My husband has been working at a job that is just around the corner from our home, which is very nice, because I can stop in quickly to drop off something special. I make his  lunch every day, but I know that the same ole sandwich and chips gets boring. I try to switch up his food choices so that it’s a surprise when he sits down to eat. My plan yesterday was to drop him off his favorite candy, but as I pulled up to the job site, clearly something was wrong and had totally disrupted his day. I had not seen that pale look on his face since the doctors told me I had cancer. Immediately my mind was rushed bad images, because I had forgotten my cellphone at home and maybe I missed an important call.

His body language was frightening and I knew I had to stay calm to help keep the situation contained. I had asked if something had happened on the job, to which he replied no. I asked if he was feeling OK, and again, he replied no. So I knew something was upsetting him and asked him flat out, what was wrong. He had indicated that he had gotten a call from home and went on say and I quote “The doctors said there was nothing more they could do for my mom, and she is going downhill fast”. Now what would you think if you hear those words? Get your airline tickets? Make arrangements to take the family home? If it didn’t come from mom or dad directly…call home and find out if it was true?

All of those things entered my brain, and I was ready to have the whole family on a plane to be with his mother today. Yet, then my mind stopped in its tracks and I was forced to ask the one question I already had the answer too. “Who called and told you this?” I was not surprised when he told me who. The Drama Queen strikes again. I assured him that I didn’t feel the situation was as grave as he was thinking and told him I would call home myself to get an update. He assured me that he would call home, but there was no way that I was going to let him work with the heavy machinery that he operates, under that type of worry and stress. I’m glad I went with my gut instinct and I made that call as soon as I got home.

I was unable to get through the first couple of tries, but was finally successful and how shocked I was to hear this upbeat full of life voice on the phone. Instantly my fears subsided when she said that for the most part, in spite of all that she has been through, she was fine. I have to say, his mom has seen her share of medical challenges and keeps on truckin’. We laughed and joked on the phone for more than a half an hour. She shared with me the changes in her medical status, and what the next steps were. She has MS, and not all patients with this disease have the same treatment outcome. They just haven’t found the best regiment that meets all her needs. She had shared with me what the next course of treatment would be and to lighten the mood I was instructed to share with my husband that “Mom is fine and that he needs to realize that she was going to be around a long time to bug him.”  

Now clearly the way that my husband had stated what her condition was, would have led you to believe she was about to take her last breath. I felt bad, but I had even told my husband before I left, that I didn’t believe this situation was all truth and that it was another one of those, feel bad for me the sky is falling moments. He was mad at my comment, but that quickly changed about an hour later. Going on, my husband is a nice guy, will do anything for anyone, and takes people at their word. But the one thing about this good hearted man...He hates a liar." He gets mad when I keep bring up that people these days have this great ability to stretch the truth.  I’m told I am over reacting, but today was the turning moment when I called him back and updated him. I sensed his anger and this time it wasn’t towards me. Phew! I through sure he was going to be mad that I made the call that he told me not to. He is very aware that his mom is going through a lot, and he worries about her every day. The problem with this is that my husband has gotten this type of urgent call like clockwork for the past 12 years, putting this strong woman on her death bed. SAD! I take notice when something becomes repetitive and these types of calls are hard on my husband which in turn affects the whole family. Which has me thinking that the caller didn't completely listen to the news they had gotten at home and paniced or that are treading along the lines of intentional and could be viewed as a form of emotional abuse to make him feel guilty that he has not moved back home to be with his family more.

This is another reason why I dislike cell phones more and more. This whole situation could have waited until after working hours. People need to get the clue that, his boss can’t stress it enough at his place of employment…NO PERSONAL CALLS ON HIS (THE BOSSES) TIME! And I don’t blame him in the least. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve seen, when I was working, abuse the use of personal calls during working hours. Now don’t get me wrong, my husband doesn’t get nearly the calls that he used to and I will admit I’ve called my husband at work…and that is the two key words (My husband). Yet even being married to him, I don’t abuse the phone. Once in a great while I am following up to see how he was feeling, if I knew he had left the house not feeling his best. I try to make sure that he has headache and sinus meds with him. I may also call just to update him on a change in plans with the boys. But for the most part, I let him call me, but don’t wait by the phone expecting it. If he does call from work it is usually only on days when he will have breaks, or in a pause status as he waiting for the next part of a project to begin. But you’ll never see me calling and talking for 35 minutes on the bosses time.

By the end of the day, I didn’t know how he had faired the emotional storm, but was so happy when he came in the front door smiling and grabbed the house phone and said he was calling his mom back. I was again relieved to hear that he called her directly. Thank God!  He had been talking with his mother on the phone, on his way home from work when his battery died. He immediately called her back and the two of them had a wonderful conversation. I stepped out of the room to give him some privacy, but I couldn't help but over hear his laughter that filled every room of our home while he spoke. 

When his call was over, We both agreed that he needed to call his mother and father directly and weekly. That if he didn't and something happened to them, he would never forgive himself. That he needed to build his bond with them, even if over the phone for now, until we finally get out west before our retirement years. That what they talk about should be kept between them, so that it would be their special time unless someone indicates that something they said was ok to tell others. I feel that it is very important that he keeps in constant contact with them as their son, and should share with them what is going on in his life first hand and vise-versa. I am also doing the same as their daughter-in-law and that I truly have enjoyed getting to know them again and I have made it very clear that they will be informed if something bad happens here. That they will hear it directly from us so that there are no questions. By making these changes in our lives , we anticipate that the dramatic episodes and third person miss information will reduce, with quickness – we can only hope.

So in analyzing my extreme procrastination, I have found that I must take each life situation and take the information in, review it rather than react to it by, either sleeping on it or address it. After that file it away, and get back to my cleaning this house out. Or if all else fails...write a book about it or blog it.  Now I think you will be surprise, and I will not let myself be embarrased to openly admit that I have found an organizer that is willing to work with me pro-bono. Her request is to get the big stuff either put in its place or thrown away, and then she will come in to work on the little things with me. I’m excited. I can only hope she will also help me to stay on track when things happen unexpectedly. I should have my progress photos up soon. I’m hoping later tonight, but I am also writing a story for a contest that is due in next Tuesday. UGGH! (Smile). My plate is full, but I'm energized and have graduated from the speed of snail to a turtles pace. Have a great weekend everyone! Thanks for reading.