"A New Year - A New Me"

 

It is 6:46 am, on the last Friday of 2012 and I sit here pondering what the New Year has in store. We survived the end of the Mayan Calendar. We survived another crazy election year with the outcome a bit disappointing, well at least that is of my own personal opinion that you do not have to agree with. We've seen countless acts of hate and violence over this year and now are for warned of a looming uncertainty of a fiscal cliff hanging over our heads. I think that with all this year has brought forth in our lives both in the world and personally, I can almost say I am feeling numb. As many of you know, I was on a quest to organize myself by the year 2013. I think I would be secure in saying that I accomplished only 70% of that goal, but something happened to me as I held myself publicly accountable for my disorganized ways and has me moving forward in a positive way.

Swallowing my pride, I found myself a therapist and having been going since July of this year - It was the best damn thing I have ever done for myself.  I found out that I have been a survivor of a sexual assault that happened in Adak, Alaska when I was active duty military, that I chose to hold captive in my mind for 21 years and holds the keys to acceptable reasons why I am a sporadic cluttered mess, among other things. I wish I had all the answers, but I am told that the process comes in three phases and I am just beginning phase two, which I am told is not a picnic. I've learned what triggers are, how they can greatly affect a person, and how to deal with whatever emotions stem from things that trigger me.  It can be a sound, smell, a place, a person, any number of things can be a trigger that generates the painful memory of what took place and that can alter a person and cause extreme behaviors. I am still on the denial train that I had been such a difficult person to deal with on occasion, but looking back on the last twenty years, I will take responsibility and say - yes I was over reactive, untrusting, controlling, fearful on so many levels that it even altered my work habits. I found myself on the verge of being a hoarder and scared to open up completely with anyone - including my family. (No more secrets…now you know why I did what I did, but I am not asking for your pity. It is what it is and I can’t change it, and I am at peace that people now have the information to offer some type of explanation.) There have been many friendships that have been destroyed because of my ways, and other friendships have fallen to the wayside because people didn't understand why I would react the way that I do with their negative comments that were “a joke” in their eyes. (Some joke. Never mess with a couple’s relationship nothing good can come from it.)

I guess I would say that I am taking a stand and confronting my stress disorder by making you all aware of what people could be going through and you may never know. I used to fake a smile and laugh, as I fear being judged if I showed you how much I was hurting. I hid my tears as I feared it would show my weakness and how venerable I really was. I loved so much that it pushed people away and I enjoy attention in a positive way, even if it appears that I don’t.  I like to consume myself with my art work as that is my therapy when I'm not sitting in a room spilling my problems to a person once a week (who I trust) who can remain neutral.

My New Year’s resolution is to resume on a positive path that I am building. I will continue to keep the weight off and steer clear of negative forces that try to shake me up. I am asking for your understanding and support as I journey deeper into the memories that have been safeguarded in my mind. That there could be days where happiness may not find me or that I may not want to smile, but if you wish to share one with me, I would be very grateful, even though you may not feel that I am.  I am just coming to the understanding that I have been kicking the can of denial and not only did it hurt me and alter me; it hurt many others along the way. So it's one day at a time, focusing on the three most important men in my life - My husband, who has stuck with me, when I would have left my ass years ago, and my two sons that are only just learning that mom really knows how to laugh and have fun. To my family and friends - thanks for hanging in there with me when times got crazy. I'm going to keep on with my writing and my quest to become 100% organized. I know I must be getting better as I was able to keep up with the orders on my web page for ornaments, which I haven't a clue how I did it. I painted over 1,000 ornaments and got them in the mail on time. I am stumped, but it did keep me from keeping up with my blog, which is something I also promise to be better attentive towards in the New Year. 

Many thanks to my continued readers even thought I have not kept up with my blog as I had hoped for the holiday seasons.  It is because of you the readers that I find the ability to bring my words and stories to the paper to share. I want to wish all of you and all the people of the world a very Happy, Healthy and Safe New Year. Let’s do our best to try to instill Peace on Earth and good will towards all. Until next time – Blog Ya Later Alligator!

A song that I remembered when I was a young girl in 1977 - When times were simple. Still brings a smile to my face. Enjoy.  (It's just another New Year's Eve)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3wSP59NjoIY