It is 6:46 am, on the last Friday of 2012 and I sit here
pondering what the New Year has in store. We survived the end of the Mayan
Calendar. We survived another crazy election year with the outcome a bit
disappointing, well at least that is of my own personal opinion that you do not
have to agree with. We've seen countless acts of hate and violence over this
year and now are for warned of a looming uncertainty of a fiscal cliff hanging
over our heads. I think that with all this year has brought forth in our lives
both in the world and personally, I can almost say I am feeling numb. As many
of you know, I was on a quest to organize myself by the year 2013. I think I
would be secure in saying that I accomplished only 70% of that goal, but
something happened to me as I held myself publicly accountable for my
disorganized ways and has me moving forward in a positive way.
Swallowing my pride, I found myself a therapist and having
been going since July of this year - It was the best damn thing I have ever
done for myself. I found out that I have
been a survivor of a sexual assault that happened in Adak, Alaska when I was active duty military, that I chose to hold captive in my mind for
21 years and holds the keys to acceptable reasons why I am a sporadic cluttered
mess, among other things. I wish I had all the answers, but I am told that the
process comes in three phases and I am just beginning phase two, which I am
told is not a picnic. I've learned what triggers are, how they can greatly affect
a person, and how to deal with whatever emotions stem from things that trigger
me. It can be a sound, smell, a place, a
person, any number of things can be a trigger that generates the painful memory
of what took place and that can alter a person and cause extreme behaviors. I
am still on the denial train that I had been such a difficult person to deal
with on occasion, but looking back on the last twenty years, I will take
responsibility and say - yes I was over reactive, untrusting, controlling,
fearful on so many levels that it even altered my work habits. I found myself
on the verge of being a hoarder and scared to open up completely with anyone -
including my family. (No more secrets…now you know why I did what I did, but I
am not asking for your pity. It is what it is and I can’t change it, and I am
at peace that people now have the information to offer some type of explanation.)
There have been many friendships that have been destroyed because of my ways,
and other friendships have fallen to the wayside because people didn't
understand why I would react the way that I do with their negative comments
that were “a joke” in their eyes. (Some joke. Never mess with a couple’s
relationship nothing good can come from it.)
I guess I would say that I am taking a stand and confronting my
stress disorder by making you all aware of what people could be going through
and you may never know. I used to fake a smile and laugh, as I fear being
judged if I showed you how much I was hurting. I hid my tears as I feared it
would show my weakness and how venerable I really was. I loved so much that it
pushed people away and I enjoy attention in a positive way, even if it appears
that I don’t. I like to consume myself
with my art work as that is my therapy when I'm not sitting in a room spilling
my problems to a person once a week (who I trust) who can remain neutral.
My New Year’s resolution is to resume on a positive path that
I am building. I will continue to keep the weight off and steer clear of
negative forces that try to shake me up. I am asking for your understanding and
support as I journey deeper into the memories that have been safeguarded in my
mind. That there could be days where happiness may not find me or that I may
not want to smile, but if you wish to share one with me, I would be very
grateful, even though you may not feel that I am. I am just coming to the understanding that I
have been kicking the can of denial and not only did it hurt me and alter me;
it hurt many others along the way. So it's one day at a time, focusing on the
three most important men in my life - My husband, who has stuck with me, when I
would have left my ass years ago, and my two sons that are only just learning
that mom really knows how to laugh and have fun. To my family and friends -
thanks for hanging in there with me when times got crazy. I'm going to keep on
with my writing and my quest to become 100% organized. I know I must be getting
better as I was able to keep up with the orders on my web page for ornaments,
which I haven't a clue how I did it. I painted over 1,000 ornaments and got
them in the mail on time. I am stumped, but it did keep me from keeping up with
my blog, which is something I also promise to be better attentive towards in
the New Year.
Many thanks to my continued readers even thought I have not
kept up with my blog as I had hoped for the holiday seasons. It is because of you the readers that I find
the ability to bring my words and stories to the paper to share. I want to wish
all of you and all the people of the world a very Happy, Healthy and Safe New
Year. Let’s do our best to try to instill Peace on Earth and good will towards
all. Until next time – Blog Ya Later Alligator!
A song that I remembered when I was a young girl in 1977 - When times were simple. Still brings a smile to my face. Enjoy. (It's just another New Year's Eve)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3wSP59NjoIY
