"The Yogi Bear Gamer or The Attention Whore/Nag - Which label would you chose?"

 

 

 

 

My quote of the day: You never know how long you have in this thing called life and time is a precious thing that you can never get back, so use it wisely.

 

It’s overcast on this early Monday morning in Maryland, USA. Why add the USA to my sentence? I thought you’d never ask. I'm about to share with you why. Today I am writing in response to an email that I had received a few days ago from a family in Canada who wanted me to write about a topic, which I found I could relate to. Now, not wanting to bring attention onto them and that they have also ask to remain anonymous, I have changed their names, so let’s see, I’ll call them Lance and Veronica - yeah, that sounds different. So let’s begin.

I had received an email from Veronica's husband Lance, wanting to understand why his wife gets upset that he and his family are overly outgoing. Yes, I will say, I was confused by that statement and why would he send this to me? But you know how you hear people say, there is always reason things happen, well maybe that is what was happening here - a pending life lesson waiting give me a slap on the back of the head. 

When he provided me with more detail, I began to understand. Veronica and Lance have six children, four boys’ two girls ranging in ages 20 to 9. They all have numerous interests, while at the same time; appreciate doing many things together. Lance is very outgoing, and likes to do for others as he gets great joy out of seeing people happy and he and his kids do their part to help out all they can, but he's finding the more joy he and the kids get from assisting others the more his wife is agitated. So I asked him another question, “Does this help for others conflict with private family time and helping out at home?” to which he replied, “Yes, has she written you too?

Well immediately I felt connected to his want for answers. As you see, I understand both what Lance is feeling and what his wife is feeling, so honestly I can't take either side, and I can't tell them what is right and what is wrong, that it is their life choice but since Lance asked me, I will try to answer as a wife with a current situation that I am experiencing that somewhat resembles what he feels is becoming problematic in their home. I don't have six children, but I do have three boys if you include my husband. (smile). 

Recently our weekends have had my family anywhere but home and my husband had even commented in the past, more times than not, that we should all enjoy the winter weekends of boredom and quiet, as the spring, summer, and fall, will eat up out weekend time fast. I'm ok with his comment and always have been. We are a very active family who sticks together, especially when it comes to helping people. We have freely given ample amount of our time to volunteer for various events and organizations over the past eleven years. Again, let me state this for the record, I HAVE NO PROBLEM DOING THIS - until it interferes with progress and upkeep on our own home, which generally we have never run into, but we’ve never had a very important event taking place at our home in less than three weeks either, and we’ve had months to get ready, now we are down to days. 

Lately I feel I am constantly repeating myself and in turn, they view it as nagging or trying to seek out their attention in a negative way, and are not really understanding or seeing the bigger picture what is being asked of them.  Now I know I am not the only woman in the word that on occasion feels that her family has a way of engaging their selective hearing modes into the permanent block mom’s voice position - but I think I can safely say it probably hits a nerve in others just like it does in me when this happens. So Lance, here is my dilemma, and maybe it will in some way help you.

 

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In three weeks we will have a house full of people for one son's16th birthday and the other son's graduation from High School. Am I nervous? – HELL YES AND THEN SOME! I’m stressing because our yard looks like we are auditioning to be the new "Sanford and Son's" sitcom, (see pictures below) but for some reason the men in our home feel it is vital to conduct their beautification skills anywhere but where it is needed the most – HOME! So when I ask them why they will put their skills to good use anywhere but home their reasons are, they like to help out when they can. Did anyone just hit a wall like I did? They have the ability to make things right and I have even offered to help, but unfortunately it appears it’s not that easy to take the same pride in their home, and if I asked more than once - instantly I’m labeled as the “Attention Whore” or “The Nagger”. Does it piss me off? – Your damn straight it does! I was brought up that the men did the yard work and the women took care of the inside business of the home. So yes, I will admit, I have become very resentful and the more they do elsewhere, the more I want no part of wanting my family elsewhere.

But I realized that way of thinking was so negative that it was placing a dark and tense cloud over my life and it was imperative that I needed to reanalyze why I would feel so hurt and why would they not understand my anguish towards their choices of using their talents elsewhere over home during a time when it's desperately needed. Weeks of frustrations are what I have learned to work through until it hit me. Everyone like recognition and praise - EVERYONE and my three boys, even though they deny it, live for it. Something about that stroke of the ego and being asked especially by women, other than me, will have these men moving mountains – all for a smile and an ounce praise that is dangled in front of them like a picnic basket in front of Yogi Bear.

So is it that when I give praise it is not appreciated because it is expected since I’m the mom/wife? Could it be that they don’t see that at times, they are the puppets on a string for the entertainment of others getting what they want by to giving out to many compliments?  Or is it that when I ask for assistance on projects at home, they feel that I am the type of person that does have the talent, strength and ability that I can do these projects on my own?

Then I noticed something as I watched one of my boys react to a need for help and I'm not saying which one, but suddenly a new theory in my mind emerged. I call it the "Damsel or Dude in Distress" theory. The description: When a person/s only reacts to the want to do something, if there is praise before the request. So for example say a person/s want you do to something they didn’t want to do, then they would drop a line like, "You are so good at painting, I can't thank you enough," that is soon followed by, "Oh can you help me with doing this or that or something." Now you might be the best painter in the world, and in your mind of minds, you’d love to believe it, but something about hearing it from someone else makes you feel good, and honestly who doesn’t feel good about a positive comment, I know I do, but lately I am seeing a strong pattern - the compliments are always followed by another want, that makes me start to question how talented or skilled I really am and feel people just want, want, want, even if they really do appreciate what I can do. I feel that it is a conditional praise that could compromise trust. In my head I hear, "You so good at that, but only if you help me." Now Lance, I'm not saying your wife is feeling this way, I don't even know her, I don't wear your shoes or hers and I could be so far from what you’re really asking.  If your situation is like ours, maybe she's feeling a bit like I am at the moment, we're talking about taking in the moment that makes us feel good about ourselves (praise, compliments, thanks)  our self-esteem starts to rise, and yes my ego inflates like balloon, then another request is immediately placed upon me that makes the compliment no longer genuine - POP! My ego balloon is gone. I'm sure I'm not making any sense, maybe I need to get off my soapbox.

So my next question, how many of you have found yourself caught up in a situation/s somewhat similar to this? I’ll raise my hand, and I’ll also raise my hand that I have said things to get people to do what they would otherwise not want to do. A perfect example of this tactic and when I recently used it, was trying to find my younger son’s car key. I knew immediately that my older son had something to do with its whereabouts’ but if I were to have asked, “Where did you put the key?” he would have never helped me find it. Instead I took a different approach since I’ve noticed how they respond to this type of mind game. My strategy was simple and this is what I said when I asked my older son to find the key that he had already denied knowing anything about when approached by his brother, “You are so good at finding things, and I’d really like to find that key so that we can get this car back together. Your brother has looked and looked, but he really needs a person with your skills to find things. Can you help us look?” Sure enough, it worked and not only did he get up and help look, but the friend he was sitting on the porch with, also got up and helped look. At first it was the same line, “I have no idea where the key is,” then suddenly he spots the key way on the top of a shelf that in order to see it, you needed to be standing on a stool. Needless to say, my theory was proven that day. I played a minor part of the Damsel in Distress – How sad is that? What hurt me was to know that if I had used my motherly skills and said, “I know you know where that key is, go get it,” he would have rolled his eyes, toned me out, and a negative exchange of words would have become heated. I like the last word game. *Wink* what parent doesn't.

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In our town we have a business called the “Honeydo Handyman” guy, (No Joke) This guy has truck with that on it and has created a business doing the odd jobs around the house that the members of the home don't want to do. The things I am asking to be completed could be done in a matter of an hour or so, and what actually makes me feel proud, is that I know my family is thinking the way I am...They know I am talented, strong, and capable of completing these tasks on my own, but why should I have do these things on my own or call someone stranger to come to my home and complete these tasks we I have two strong teenage boys that can do this, and I shouldn’t have to pay them or bribe them with money to get it done. Years ago, kids helped their parents around the house - why is this day and age any different?

 

 

 

 

Wow, just posting these pictures has me ready to get out there and tackle this crap once and for all, but on the flip however, there may be someone who looks at it differently and would think, as a significant other or a strong teenager, wouldn't you rather help your loved one, vs. letting them get used to doing things on their own and/or calling upon some stranger? Think long and hard on the answer to this question - What could happen when a person discovers they "CAN-DO" on their own?

 

So Lance, on a softer side of myself that I like so much better that my "nagging" side, could be a simple solution. All I am asking  is the ones I love share their talents and assistance on the home front and I would just appreciate some of the free time my family does have during the day that they are spending elsewhere, to be spent on doing something for just for our family and not everyone else around the family. I'd like to be selfish and not share every moment of our free time - some here and some there is fine. I'm feeling Like a checkbook, you'd like to see more put into it, but sometimes the balance runs close to empty. The good point about doing things together whether home or afar, we are at least in the same area, that I'm closer than I was if I had stayed home and they went about their business, but I still find at times that I am shrouded in little moments of loneliness.  

I don’t know if I helped in anyway and I’m not saying that this could be the problem, but maybe it could shed a different light on your circumstances. I know at times I have felt like I was placed on the back burner, excluded, and their lives are moving on and I’m trying to do my best to run behind the bus, only catching it here and there.  I also feel that my guys have a hard time saying no, and people know and are spreading the word that is spreading their time thinner and thinner, which is hard to for me to stand back and watch, but I'm not heard when I express my feelings.

All in all go easy on her, remember she is human, when she hurts, she hurts deep, she goes to work outside of the home too, and from your email, it sounds like all she would like is to have you and your family’s attention/help more than two hours after work and a few hours on the morning on the weekends. You never know how long you have in this thing called life and time is a precious thing that you can never get back, so use it wisely. You may find as you’re off and going and doing in one direction, she may start growing and doing in a different direction. I wish you success in getting to the bottom of this life lesson and word of advice that I learned from my therapist - you can’t fail if you keep your conversation as "I" statements (I feel, I wish, I want to understand etc.) when trying to calmly discuss problems or concerns, instead of telling another person what they are doing wrong and make them feel like they are being attacked or blamed. I have tried the "I" approach on more than just my family and guess what the "I" have it and - it works. Who’d a thunk it? Smile.

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Oh, and as for my dilemma, it has been resolved and that I didn't hire the Honeydo Handyman guy and I did tell my husband that I pondered the idea - he didn't sound overly thrilled and assured me that I was over thinking things.  I do, do that. I didn't however tell him that I love him and my boys with all that I have in my heart, that I could never call upon another to take their places, gotta keep them on their toes…….   and honestly I'd feel too guilty if I had. Everything works out if given the right amount of time.

 

Many thanks to my readers who continue reading my soapbox moments, as you have read before I have them now and then, but always feel better to get it out and when I look back I can't help but think at time... "Dang girl, you are such a fruit cake, what in heavens name where you thinking?" I also appreciate the emails, keep them coming. As some of you have learned, some topics I chose not to write about.  As flattered as I am, I am not qualified to offer clinical forms of advice. I'm just a simple girl trying to figure out who I am, where I have been, and where I am going in this wolf pack I call - Family. have a fantastic day. Blog ya later!

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE CALL THAT STOPPED THE CLUTTER CLEAN

Friday, January 27, 2012

THE CALL THAT STOPPED THE CLUTTER CLEAN

Let me start by saying, that no matter how much clutter I am faced to organize each day, my family will always come first if they need me, my ears, my advice, a hug, my help...you name it, I am there for them good or bad. So where do I start...Oh, I remember, It started out as any normal day would yesterday morning. I have been doing great with keeping up on putting things back in their rightful places. But have you ever had a situation when putting something back in their rightful place was a person? I know odd comment but I’ll explain soon. So, let’s begin today, with my philo that I believe to be fact. Life has a way of tripping you up, but if you’re prepared the outcome can be harmonious and life changing.

Yesterday I began my long to-do list, as I always do on Thursdays.  I have appointed Thursday as my day to leave the house early in the morning to get everything I need tended to that is out of the home.  My list included but was not limited to, taking the boy's to school, getting base stickers for both of our trucks, pick up prescriptions, get lab work done and go to the commissary. All of this accomplished before 10:00 am. I was feeling great that I had done so much in the course of three hours, I wanted to do something extra special for my honey.

My husband has been working at a job that is just around the corner from our home, which is very nice, because I can stop in quickly to drop off something special. I make his  lunch every day, but I know that the same ole sandwich and chips gets boring. I try to switch up his food choices so that it’s a surprise when he sits down to eat. My plan yesterday was to drop him off his favorite candy, but as I pulled up to the job site, clearly something was wrong and had totally disrupted his day. I had not seen that pale look on his face since the doctors told me I had cancer. Immediately my mind was rushed bad images, because I had forgotten my cellphone at home and maybe I missed an important call.

His body language was frightening and I knew I had to stay calm to help keep the situation contained. I had asked if something had happened on the job, to which he replied no. I asked if he was feeling OK, and again, he replied no. So I knew something was upsetting him and asked him flat out, what was wrong. He had indicated that he had gotten a call from home and went on say and I quote “The doctors said there was nothing more they could do for my mom, and she is going downhill fast”. Now what would you think if you hear those words? Get your airline tickets? Make arrangements to take the family home? If it didn’t come from mom or dad directly…call home and find out if it was true?

All of those things entered my brain, and I was ready to have the whole family on a plane to be with his mother today. Yet, then my mind stopped in its tracks and I was forced to ask the one question I already had the answer too. “Who called and told you this?” I was not surprised when he told me who. The Drama Queen strikes again. I assured him that I didn’t feel the situation was as grave as he was thinking and told him I would call home myself to get an update. He assured me that he would call home, but there was no way that I was going to let him work with the heavy machinery that he operates, under that type of worry and stress. I’m glad I went with my gut instinct and I made that call as soon as I got home.

I was unable to get through the first couple of tries, but was finally successful and how shocked I was to hear this upbeat full of life voice on the phone. Instantly my fears subsided when she said that for the most part, in spite of all that she has been through, she was fine. I have to say, his mom has seen her share of medical challenges and keeps on truckin’. We laughed and joked on the phone for more than a half an hour. She shared with me the changes in her medical status, and what the next steps were. She has MS, and not all patients with this disease have the same treatment outcome. They just haven’t found the best regiment that meets all her needs. She had shared with me what the next course of treatment would be and to lighten the mood I was instructed to share with my husband that “Mom is fine and that he needs to realize that she was going to be around a long time to bug him.”  

Now clearly the way that my husband had stated what her condition was, would have led you to believe she was about to take her last breath. I felt bad, but I had even told my husband before I left, that I didn’t believe this situation was all truth and that it was another one of those, feel bad for me the sky is falling moments. He was mad at my comment, but that quickly changed about an hour later. Going on, my husband is a nice guy, will do anything for anyone, and takes people at their word. But the one thing about this good hearted man...He hates a liar." He gets mad when I keep bring up that people these days have this great ability to stretch the truth.  I’m told I am over reacting, but today was the turning moment when I called him back and updated him. I sensed his anger and this time it wasn’t towards me. Phew! I through sure he was going to be mad that I made the call that he told me not to. He is very aware that his mom is going through a lot, and he worries about her every day. The problem with this is that my husband has gotten this type of urgent call like clockwork for the past 12 years, putting this strong woman on her death bed. SAD! I take notice when something becomes repetitive and these types of calls are hard on my husband which in turn affects the whole family. Which has me thinking that the caller didn't completely listen to the news they had gotten at home and paniced or that are treading along the lines of intentional and could be viewed as a form of emotional abuse to make him feel guilty that he has not moved back home to be with his family more.

This is another reason why I dislike cell phones more and more. This whole situation could have waited until after working hours. People need to get the clue that, his boss can’t stress it enough at his place of employment…NO PERSONAL CALLS ON HIS (THE BOSSES) TIME! And I don’t blame him in the least. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve seen, when I was working, abuse the use of personal calls during working hours. Now don’t get me wrong, my husband doesn’t get nearly the calls that he used to and I will admit I’ve called my husband at work…and that is the two key words (My husband). Yet even being married to him, I don’t abuse the phone. Once in a great while I am following up to see how he was feeling, if I knew he had left the house not feeling his best. I try to make sure that he has headache and sinus meds with him. I may also call just to update him on a change in plans with the boys. But for the most part, I let him call me, but don’t wait by the phone expecting it. If he does call from work it is usually only on days when he will have breaks, or in a pause status as he waiting for the next part of a project to begin. But you’ll never see me calling and talking for 35 minutes on the bosses time.

By the end of the day, I didn’t know how he had faired the emotional storm, but was so happy when he came in the front door smiling and grabbed the house phone and said he was calling his mom back. I was again relieved to hear that he called her directly. Thank God!  He had been talking with his mother on the phone, on his way home from work when his battery died. He immediately called her back and the two of them had a wonderful conversation. I stepped out of the room to give him some privacy, but I couldn't help but over hear his laughter that filled every room of our home while he spoke. 

When his call was over, We both agreed that he needed to call his mother and father directly and weekly. That if he didn't and something happened to them, he would never forgive himself. That he needed to build his bond with them, even if over the phone for now, until we finally get out west before our retirement years. That what they talk about should be kept between them, so that it would be their special time unless someone indicates that something they said was ok to tell others. I feel that it is very important that he keeps in constant contact with them as their son, and should share with them what is going on in his life first hand and vise-versa. I am also doing the same as their daughter-in-law and that I truly have enjoyed getting to know them again and I have made it very clear that they will be informed if something bad happens here. That they will hear it directly from us so that there are no questions. By making these changes in our lives , we anticipate that the dramatic episodes and third person miss information will reduce, with quickness – we can only hope.

So in analyzing my extreme procrastination, I have found that I must take each life situation and take the information in, review it rather than react to it by, either sleeping on it or address it. After that file it away, and get back to my cleaning this house out. Or if all else fails...write a book about it or blog it.  Now I think you will be surprise, and I will not let myself be embarrased to openly admit that I have found an organizer that is willing to work with me pro-bono. Her request is to get the big stuff either put in its place or thrown away, and then she will come in to work on the little things with me. I’m excited. I can only hope she will also help me to stay on track when things happen unexpectedly. I should have my progress photos up soon. I’m hoping later tonight, but I am also writing a story for a contest that is due in next Tuesday. UGGH! (Smile). My plate is full, but I'm energized and have graduated from the speed of snail to a turtles pace. Have a great weekend everyone! Thanks for reading.