POWERS OF A MOTHERS LOVE

Powers of a Mothers Love

Written by: Stacey Bolin

Music that motivated me to find my words:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9Dg-g7t2l4

I'm on the edge of emotions here in front of my computer, hands are cautiously atop the key board, my vision muddled as each click of the keys, form the words though the tears that have trolled down my face like incalculable times before - since the moment I gave birth to my beautiful boys and coping with the haunting reality that one day they will be out on their own. My dreams for them filled with a want for, a life that is rich with the power of compassion, empathy, friendships, passion, tenderness, affection, mystery, discovery, beauty and to feel the energy of life. I wish for them that the world will one day become the canvas of opportunity to reach out and touch any dream they could imagine… while at the same moment - I feel so helpless and my heart is broken.

As a mother, my heart pains with each time I am strained as they walk past the front door, knowing  they will occasionally fall to a lesson learned, with hope they get back up, while dusting themselves off, and start again. I want to grasp onto them and never let go of their hands. I must keep them safe, but their lives as young men on their own won’t allow me. I will never learn that part of the lesson is letting go. The pain to see them struggle, with things I to struggled with at the very same age. IT DESTORYS ME INSIDE! MY HEART BLEEDS! I stand screaming with only the sound of silence. I relive my own emotions being on my own for the first time, wondering that there was nothing left for me to do, how I was going to survive quaked inside my mind.  Pondering that life appeared easy as a child....what happened?  

As a mother I have to observe my babies learning to fly, even if the flight is met with disappointment to get off the ground. I try to allocate insight on untruths and negative propaganda of quick riches that dangles before them. I had no appreciation of the pain and fear that emanates from watching my young adult boys step out into this world and how insensitive it is outside the front door.  I'm compelled to say things in tones that I can never take back - now permanently embedded in my life soundtrack, but all in a lesson of love. Now feeling emotionally chastened for simply caring.

As a mother, I am reprimanded with a hollow hard-hearted sound of a voice of a young man that was once a child who looked at me with a soulful look - that there was no safer place to be that with his mom. Now that voice blames me for trying to teach him, to show him the way to be out on his own. I'm tired, I'm venerable, I have been verbally and emotional bruised, and I just want to walk away - But as a mother I can't, and I don't let myself give up. My children are god’s gift and I find the strength to get back up, dust myself off, and start again. One step at a time falling along the way myself, I’m their mother and nothing will ever change that.

The powers of a mothers love goes deeper than the deepest ocean and as wide as the mighty of light years of the universe that a child will never truly understand.  ~ Stacey Bolin.

THE CALL THAT STOPPED THE CLUTTER CLEAN

Friday, January 27, 2012

THE CALL THAT STOPPED THE CLUTTER CLEAN

Let me start by saying, that no matter how much clutter I am faced to organize each day, my family will always come first if they need me, my ears, my advice, a hug, my help...you name it, I am there for them good or bad. So where do I start...Oh, I remember, It started out as any normal day would yesterday morning. I have been doing great with keeping up on putting things back in their rightful places. But have you ever had a situation when putting something back in their rightful place was a person? I know odd comment but I’ll explain soon. So, let’s begin today, with my philo that I believe to be fact. Life has a way of tripping you up, but if you’re prepared the outcome can be harmonious and life changing.

Yesterday I began my long to-do list, as I always do on Thursdays.  I have appointed Thursday as my day to leave the house early in the morning to get everything I need tended to that is out of the home.  My list included but was not limited to, taking the boy's to school, getting base stickers for both of our trucks, pick up prescriptions, get lab work done and go to the commissary. All of this accomplished before 10:00 am. I was feeling great that I had done so much in the course of three hours, I wanted to do something extra special for my honey.

My husband has been working at a job that is just around the corner from our home, which is very nice, because I can stop in quickly to drop off something special. I make his  lunch every day, but I know that the same ole sandwich and chips gets boring. I try to switch up his food choices so that it’s a surprise when he sits down to eat. My plan yesterday was to drop him off his favorite candy, but as I pulled up to the job site, clearly something was wrong and had totally disrupted his day. I had not seen that pale look on his face since the doctors told me I had cancer. Immediately my mind was rushed bad images, because I had forgotten my cellphone at home and maybe I missed an important call.

His body language was frightening and I knew I had to stay calm to help keep the situation contained. I had asked if something had happened on the job, to which he replied no. I asked if he was feeling OK, and again, he replied no. So I knew something was upsetting him and asked him flat out, what was wrong. He had indicated that he had gotten a call from home and went on say and I quote “The doctors said there was nothing more they could do for my mom, and she is going downhill fast”. Now what would you think if you hear those words? Get your airline tickets? Make arrangements to take the family home? If it didn’t come from mom or dad directly…call home and find out if it was true?

All of those things entered my brain, and I was ready to have the whole family on a plane to be with his mother today. Yet, then my mind stopped in its tracks and I was forced to ask the one question I already had the answer too. “Who called and told you this?” I was not surprised when he told me who. The Drama Queen strikes again. I assured him that I didn’t feel the situation was as grave as he was thinking and told him I would call home myself to get an update. He assured me that he would call home, but there was no way that I was going to let him work with the heavy machinery that he operates, under that type of worry and stress. I’m glad I went with my gut instinct and I made that call as soon as I got home.

I was unable to get through the first couple of tries, but was finally successful and how shocked I was to hear this upbeat full of life voice on the phone. Instantly my fears subsided when she said that for the most part, in spite of all that she has been through, she was fine. I have to say, his mom has seen her share of medical challenges and keeps on truckin’. We laughed and joked on the phone for more than a half an hour. She shared with me the changes in her medical status, and what the next steps were. She has MS, and not all patients with this disease have the same treatment outcome. They just haven’t found the best regiment that meets all her needs. She had shared with me what the next course of treatment would be and to lighten the mood I was instructed to share with my husband that “Mom is fine and that he needs to realize that she was going to be around a long time to bug him.”  

Now clearly the way that my husband had stated what her condition was, would have led you to believe she was about to take her last breath. I felt bad, but I had even told my husband before I left, that I didn’t believe this situation was all truth and that it was another one of those, feel bad for me the sky is falling moments. He was mad at my comment, but that quickly changed about an hour later. Going on, my husband is a nice guy, will do anything for anyone, and takes people at their word. But the one thing about this good hearted man...He hates a liar." He gets mad when I keep bring up that people these days have this great ability to stretch the truth.  I’m told I am over reacting, but today was the turning moment when I called him back and updated him. I sensed his anger and this time it wasn’t towards me. Phew! I through sure he was going to be mad that I made the call that he told me not to. He is very aware that his mom is going through a lot, and he worries about her every day. The problem with this is that my husband has gotten this type of urgent call like clockwork for the past 12 years, putting this strong woman on her death bed. SAD! I take notice when something becomes repetitive and these types of calls are hard on my husband which in turn affects the whole family. Which has me thinking that the caller didn't completely listen to the news they had gotten at home and paniced or that are treading along the lines of intentional and could be viewed as a form of emotional abuse to make him feel guilty that he has not moved back home to be with his family more.

This is another reason why I dislike cell phones more and more. This whole situation could have waited until after working hours. People need to get the clue that, his boss can’t stress it enough at his place of employment…NO PERSONAL CALLS ON HIS (THE BOSSES) TIME! And I don’t blame him in the least. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve seen, when I was working, abuse the use of personal calls during working hours. Now don’t get me wrong, my husband doesn’t get nearly the calls that he used to and I will admit I’ve called my husband at work…and that is the two key words (My husband). Yet even being married to him, I don’t abuse the phone. Once in a great while I am following up to see how he was feeling, if I knew he had left the house not feeling his best. I try to make sure that he has headache and sinus meds with him. I may also call just to update him on a change in plans with the boys. But for the most part, I let him call me, but don’t wait by the phone expecting it. If he does call from work it is usually only on days when he will have breaks, or in a pause status as he waiting for the next part of a project to begin. But you’ll never see me calling and talking for 35 minutes on the bosses time.

By the end of the day, I didn’t know how he had faired the emotional storm, but was so happy when he came in the front door smiling and grabbed the house phone and said he was calling his mom back. I was again relieved to hear that he called her directly. Thank God!  He had been talking with his mother on the phone, on his way home from work when his battery died. He immediately called her back and the two of them had a wonderful conversation. I stepped out of the room to give him some privacy, but I couldn't help but over hear his laughter that filled every room of our home while he spoke. 

When his call was over, We both agreed that he needed to call his mother and father directly and weekly. That if he didn't and something happened to them, he would never forgive himself. That he needed to build his bond with them, even if over the phone for now, until we finally get out west before our retirement years. That what they talk about should be kept between them, so that it would be their special time unless someone indicates that something they said was ok to tell others. I feel that it is very important that he keeps in constant contact with them as their son, and should share with them what is going on in his life first hand and vise-versa. I am also doing the same as their daughter-in-law and that I truly have enjoyed getting to know them again and I have made it very clear that they will be informed if something bad happens here. That they will hear it directly from us so that there are no questions. By making these changes in our lives , we anticipate that the dramatic episodes and third person miss information will reduce, with quickness – we can only hope.

So in analyzing my extreme procrastination, I have found that I must take each life situation and take the information in, review it rather than react to it by, either sleeping on it or address it. After that file it away, and get back to my cleaning this house out. Or if all else fails...write a book about it or blog it.  Now I think you will be surprise, and I will not let myself be embarrased to openly admit that I have found an organizer that is willing to work with me pro-bono. Her request is to get the big stuff either put in its place or thrown away, and then she will come in to work on the little things with me. I’m excited. I can only hope she will also help me to stay on track when things happen unexpectedly. I should have my progress photos up soon. I’m hoping later tonight, but I am also writing a story for a contest that is due in next Tuesday. UGGH! (Smile). My plate is full, but I'm energized and have graduated from the speed of snail to a turtles pace. Have a great weekend everyone! Thanks for reading.

Segment from the book "Window Prints" by Stacey L. Bolin

"Window Prints" Written by Stacey L. Bolin
Copyright August 2011 all rights reserved.

Have you ever had a sense of inner fear terrorize you? Did it make you feel like you were losing your mind? What if you suddenly woke up while living your life and discovered that something terrible had happened to you as a child that could alter the outcome of your future many years later? I'm not afraid of horror movies or squiggly things in the dirt, most bugs don't bug me and snakes, and well if they keep to themselves then we can find a common balance of good yard harmony together. I even look forward to the occasional Halloween trick.  However I will finally admit that I do suffer from a fear that has made up me since I was 9 years old.  You see, back then I was subjected to a life that my mother was completely unaware of.  I was also told that if I ever said anything to her, I would be killed. That what the man had done and was doing, was no body's business.  This same man was the one who first taught my heart the feeling of loss.  What did I lose?  The inability to feel his love for me, as he never loved himself due to something that haunted him in his past.  The man was good at sharing himself with everyone but the ones who truly loved him.  He went from lady to lady with no remorse that he was a married man.  It didn't matter as long as other women in his life would stroke his ego, but they also preyed upon his weaknesses.  The man believed himself to be a mighty one that all looked up to for life answers, that he could do no wrong, and for that he lived by his own set of rules. He wore a beard and long hair so that his weaknesses would not be detectable. He thought he was almighty, rough, trough and unbreakable, but in actuality, he was as fragile as a china doll in a Hurricane. As a small child the man would leave me alone in his truck, when we delivered wood to his customers, during the darkness of the cold and bitter winter New England nights, as he embraced the forbidden passions he desired while in the homes of other woman. The man's temper was of no set pattern, and when mother stepped out for some time to herself, the man would express his range through physical and emotional abuse. But still mother didn't know and I still never told a soul. The man would come around for birthdays and holidays during his busy work days.  He would buy expensive gifts to compensate for the time he was never home with us and the long nights without word if he was OK or not. Buying gifts was the only way he could show love. He would stay at these events with all our family and guests, but like clockwork every year, the phone would ring and he would leave for some unknown destination, which only I knew about...so I thought. I was unaware that numerous community members and customers knew of the man's wrong doings, but feared him just as much as I. To me, I knew that what the man was doing was wrong and that someone should tell my mother, but remembering the man's words silenced me until I was grown and gone from my childhood home more than 20 years later. My mother eventually learned of what the man was doing and asked for a divorce, yet he vowed to change...a change that would never present itself and they soon would part ways. As years passed other forms of fear began to manifest as triggers would bring the thoughts of the little girl into the present day.  I fear death due to the passing of friends and relatives. I fear the unknown, I fear being replaced and the worst fear of fears - being alone. To try to protect both the woman in me and the young little girl who reside within one soul, I found that if I could control a situation, I would not have to risk feeling the emotional pain that could come from it, such as my kids getting hurt if I let them ride their bikes outside the yard.  I feared them getting hit by a car. The fear of flying, as the only control I had was to get on or off the plane, after that my travel was in the hands of the man or woman behind the controls. My health is what I fear in the future. I am 15 years remission from cancer, but told it could always return. As I learn to deal with my fears I am learning to remain aware of any controlling mannerisms I may try to display. I am relieved to know that I never did anything dire, for example; I never told anyone what they could and couldn't do.  I never kept anyone against their will and I never told a lie to alter a situation. However what I have done since  the man died two years ago, I lost my control within to shed away my layers of silent hate, anger and rage because I was never given to ability to find closure with what had happened to the little girl inside of me. The little girl that I hide inside still waits for an answer, to a question that will never be answered - Daddy, do you love me?