Segment from the book "Window Prints" by Stacey L. Bolin

"Window Prints" Written by Stacey L. Bolin
Copyright August 2011 all rights reserved.

Have you ever had a sense of inner fear terrorize you? Did it make you feel like you were losing your mind? What if you suddenly woke up while living your life and discovered that something terrible had happened to you as a child that could alter the outcome of your future many years later? I'm not afraid of horror movies or squiggly things in the dirt, most bugs don't bug me and snakes, and well if they keep to themselves then we can find a common balance of good yard harmony together. I even look forward to the occasional Halloween trick.  However I will finally admit that I do suffer from a fear that has made up me since I was 9 years old.  You see, back then I was subjected to a life that my mother was completely unaware of.  I was also told that if I ever said anything to her, I would be killed. That what the man had done and was doing, was no body's business.  This same man was the one who first taught my heart the feeling of loss.  What did I lose?  The inability to feel his love for me, as he never loved himself due to something that haunted him in his past.  The man was good at sharing himself with everyone but the ones who truly loved him.  He went from lady to lady with no remorse that he was a married man.  It didn't matter as long as other women in his life would stroke his ego, but they also preyed upon his weaknesses.  The man believed himself to be a mighty one that all looked up to for life answers, that he could do no wrong, and for that he lived by his own set of rules. He wore a beard and long hair so that his weaknesses would not be detectable. He thought he was almighty, rough, trough and unbreakable, but in actuality, he was as fragile as a china doll in a Hurricane. As a small child the man would leave me alone in his truck, when we delivered wood to his customers, during the darkness of the cold and bitter winter New England nights, as he embraced the forbidden passions he desired while in the homes of other woman. The man's temper was of no set pattern, and when mother stepped out for some time to herself, the man would express his range through physical and emotional abuse. But still mother didn't know and I still never told a soul. The man would come around for birthdays and holidays during his busy work days.  He would buy expensive gifts to compensate for the time he was never home with us and the long nights without word if he was OK or not. Buying gifts was the only way he could show love. He would stay at these events with all our family and guests, but like clockwork every year, the phone would ring and he would leave for some unknown destination, which only I knew about...so I thought. I was unaware that numerous community members and customers knew of the man's wrong doings, but feared him just as much as I. To me, I knew that what the man was doing was wrong and that someone should tell my mother, but remembering the man's words silenced me until I was grown and gone from my childhood home more than 20 years later. My mother eventually learned of what the man was doing and asked for a divorce, yet he vowed to change...a change that would never present itself and they soon would part ways. As years passed other forms of fear began to manifest as triggers would bring the thoughts of the little girl into the present day.  I fear death due to the passing of friends and relatives. I fear the unknown, I fear being replaced and the worst fear of fears - being alone. To try to protect both the woman in me and the young little girl who reside within one soul, I found that if I could control a situation, I would not have to risk feeling the emotional pain that could come from it, such as my kids getting hurt if I let them ride their bikes outside the yard.  I feared them getting hit by a car. The fear of flying, as the only control I had was to get on or off the plane, after that my travel was in the hands of the man or woman behind the controls. My health is what I fear in the future. I am 15 years remission from cancer, but told it could always return. As I learn to deal with my fears I am learning to remain aware of any controlling mannerisms I may try to display. I am relieved to know that I never did anything dire, for example; I never told anyone what they could and couldn't do.  I never kept anyone against their will and I never told a lie to alter a situation. However what I have done since  the man died two years ago, I lost my control within to shed away my layers of silent hate, anger and rage because I was never given to ability to find closure with what had happened to the little girl inside of me. The little girl that I hide inside still waits for an answer, to a question that will never be answered - Daddy, do you love me?