"Right Before My Eyes"

 

Well hello to everyone in internet land. It's been a crazy few days, but for the most part, we have gotten through with only a few bumps in the road. I was notified of a medical situation that will require testing next Tuesday - yes I rather fear the testing process. For this situation, I think its best I do what the doctors advise, but laughed hysterically when they continue to say to me in a straight face - remain stress free. I hear the belly starting to roll again just thinking about it.  "Remain Stress Free", is what I'm thinking to myself as I optimistically listen to the doctors words. My husband and I just joined the Temporary Empty Nester's Training last week, the USA soccer team lost, my kids are west without my husband and I, my husband hates the humid temperatures right now as it triggers war memories, I have a friend who has been battling an infection that placed her into the hospital since early this week and I have to have a lumbar puncture to test the pressure in my brain - so stay stress free - Riigggghhhhhttttt. Wow, that was kind of nice to vent, I feel some weight off my mind already. *Wink*

Ok, so I poke fun at the doctor’s advice, but realistically, I am heeding what he said until I get my tests completed. While keep my life at the most lowest key – and still get out of bed – I have found ways to be productive and, ha ha ha, stress free. I've managed to discover that where my computers screen sits, is actually on a desk - yes the creative eclectic clutter is gone. Say that one three times fast.  It's a nice desk, a dark wood top done in a nice white wash on the sides and doors, oh oh but wait, it gets even better. The bigger discovery - as I clean my office out - I have a book shelf to match. (smile). Ok, I'm being a bit dramatic, but I'm a writer - what's your superpower? LOL.

Now dramatic, you'll love this little story I am about to tell you. It's rather embarrassing, but I'm sure I am not the only person in the world that was faced with a dilemma and the answer was staring them in the face the whole time. Ok, let me tell you the situation.

As I lay in bed early Tuesday morning I got a call from a friend that had asked me to help her put in her air conditioning unit in her windows, as she had been under the weather for some time and was feeling overall weakness.  Confidently I reply "Yes, I can come over and do that, I've put those things in so many times I can do it with my eyes closed." Open mouth insert foot.

When I arrived at her home, I went upstairs and began to attempt to put the unit into the window - something was missing and the unit alerted me that if I didn't do something different it was going to fall to its death on the sidewalk below. "Oh, it needs to have the bar screwed onto the top - One bar, no screws to secure it - YIKES!" I thought to myself trying to give it my MacGyver ingenuity.

I tried to take screws from one item to compensate for the ones that were missing - epic fail. I was baffled in my mind as I tried to wear the look of knowledge. My friend then suggested that maybe it was time to get a new one for the downstairs, "K-Mart has a great sale," I blurted out, while also thinking, "I can get some screws to put this one in and it will stay in place the right way."

Not knowing if I would make it back before they had to go to an appointment, I got a key to her home, then I headed out to the store to make my purchases as my friend and a family member made their way to the hospital. I found the deal of a lifetime and now my friend is the owner of a brand new window shaker, a.k.a. an air conditioner – no more Maryland sweltering heat and humidity.

 

 

Immediately a melody comes into mind when I think back on the next part of my story. So if you'd like the full effect - click onto the link below to add some comedic relief as you read. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MK6TXMsvgQg

 

The unit was boxed tightly with three very strong plastic straps. Not having a utility knife or scissors, I used a small hand held hack saw and cut through the ridged plastic. I then proceeded to lift the box bending at the knees and applying all my strength when suddenly, just the top and sides abruptly came off causing me to jolt back and fall onto the floor. “Thank goodness nobody saw this,” I thought to myself.

I got up, dusted off my pride, and proceeded to prepare the window to install the Cooling Box. (Deal with me as I attempt to be creative and try to come up with as many alternate words to describe a window air conditioner. Smile.) I unlocked the window and tried to pull the window open – no movement. I stood puzzled and intently looked the locking mechanism over. I discovered there were other areas that locked on either side of the window, so I made sure they were opened and then again proceeded to pull up on the window to open it – still nothing. Now the main window lock has only two positions – open and closed, but you’ll never guess what I did – turned it back to the lock position thinking it was a trick lock and tried to open the window again – NOTHING! Grrrrr! “What the hell is the mystery of this flipping window” I cursed out loud to myself. Again, I went back to the lock and switched it back to open. I think the person walking by the window found great humor to see me sweating and cursing when once again I pulled up on the window and – STILL NOTHING! The bitch wasn’t budging. I paced back and forth scratching the top of my head with one hand and the other position tightly on a hip.

I began to talk to the window asking it to be nice for me and just open so that I could get this Electric Chilling Cube in place. What do you think happened? Do you think the window finally opened?  Guess again – a two foot piece of bamboo fell on my head that had been cut and placed as another security device to keep the windows locked. “What the…?” I said looking it over wondering where it came from. Instantly Sir Isaac Newton’s: The Universal Law of Gravitation - hit me. I proceeded to open the window one last time – IT OPENED! I was so happy, I got everything screwed and snapped together and got it placed just right, closed the window down on it to keep the cold wind machine in place. I was so proud of myself – when it happened. As I picked up the cord to plug it into the socket light dawned in the dark space of my brain - UUUGGGHHHH!!!!! I had put it in the wrong window! But I had an ace in the hole - I removed the bamboo, unlocked the locks and in less that Ten minutes I found myself sitting on a chair, running my fingers through my sweat drenched hair, as the Window Wind Vortex box blew ice cold air in my face. A true Benny Hill moment - I'm so relieved to know that it's not on camera, though it would have been a funny Youtube moment.

I hope you like my comic relief this morning. Just a little something to lighten your possible stressors of the day and to let you know, we all have those kinds of moments where the answers to our problems are sometimes staring us in the face, but with so much going through our minds, we forget to see the bigger picture.  Thanks for reading and have a safe, happy and healthy Independence Day tomorrow. Blog ya later.

Meatless Chicken MOM!? WHAT THE BLAZES!?

My boys and their first day back to school.
2012

 

It was a great day, and I was in the mood to do some serious cooking. The weather outside was hinting that cooler temperatures were on the horizon that would one day lead to my favorite season - autumn. I had done some grocery shopping and had decided that a roasted chicken with baked potatoes, peas, homemade rolls and a chocolate banana cream pie for dessert would be the perfect first day of school dinner.

My very own Chocolate Banana Pie.
Vanilla Pudding with Cut up bananas as the bottom layer
in a graham cracker crust.
then sprinkly crushed up vanilla wafers
then add the chocolate pudding layer.
Serve with a big scoop of cool whip.
Delicious!

Now normally when roasting a chicken, one would put it in a shallow pan, season it with your favorite taste bud teasing pleasures. Heck, some people may go as far as tenting it with tin foil to help keep the meat tender and juicy while only letting small amounts of that delicious sent, that floats through the air, escape and has your family constantly asking - "Mom...when's dinner, the smell is making me super hungry".

Yes, I'll be honest, I am one of those tenter people, but on this day I got a little daring and decided to use my chicken roaster stand on our grill. I've used it before and the outcome was delicious, so why not use it again and make baked potatoes on the grill as well.  I had timed it just right that by the time my husband got home from work, you could smell the delicious aroma throughout the community - Just want I wanted. What’s better than the smell of a great comfort food aroma dancing along a cool late afternoon breeze? Knowing it's coming from your house and it's your dinner. Yeah baby!



I got this a Bass Pro Shop - LOVE IT!
You literally cook the chicken or turkey standing up.

It comes apart so that you can filled the center with
beer, chicken broth, and/or water and spices, and then you rub the
chicken with spices too and cover it with a tent of tin foil
and put it on the grill. The head comes throught the vents and
acts like a roaster/steamer.

 

As I prepared the serving plates and side dishes, I took the chicken off its cooking stand and placed it onto a platter. It was a beautiful golden color and the scent of the spices was wonderful, however the chicken looked very strange to me. Kind of like a chicken on big time steroids. Its shape was very strange.

"That's odd?" I thought for only a moment, and then went on with getting the food to the table. My oldest son, who lately has been on a see food diet, meaning everything he sees he eats, took it upon himself to carve the bird. There was nothing holding this guy back, he'd been smelling this cook all afternoon and he was done waiting.

As I finally sat down with my family to delve into our dinner, I was once again drawn into the shape of our roaster chicken. "There is something wrong with the chicken. Don't you think so or is it just me?" I said to my husband and boys "It looks weird."

My husband then took a longer look as well. "Hua? Yeah, it does, like it's been working out at the gym or something. An Arnold Schwarzenegger look." He remarked with a chuckle followed with a puzzled expression. As my son tried to carve the meat off the bone, he was met with a growing frustration that he was not getting the food on his plate fast enough.

 "What's wrong?" I asked, worried that my special dinner was overcooked.

"Ah dry!, It won't carve!" He replied in a sarcastic and agitated tone voice.

"No way it's dry, I saw the juices bubbling under the skin on the grill."  I thought, hoping that he was wrong.

 "Let me try," boasted my husband thinking that it took a big man to crave a bird. "What the &^^*&^#%!!!!"

"What's wrong?" I questioned, worried that now my husband was just as frustrated as my son, I must have really turned our supper into a Griswold Christmas dinner moment.

"Stace, there isn't any meat on this chicken! look it's all bone when I cut into it." He was very serious - this bird was meatless!

 I got up from my chair and walked over to the other side of the table where both my husband and older son were working feverishly as if they were trying to revive an inner tube that had gone flat, just before it was time to tie it to a speed boat and zoom across the water for an afternoon of water adventures.

"Let me try." Just as the words left my mouth a pivotal moment passed over me and I caught the look on my younger sons face. I could see in his eyes a sense of worry that he would not get his favorite chicken and gravy dinner, because mom had dried the bird to the bone. "Let's check to see if there is meat underneath, and with that, I flipped it over. (I think a heaven of angels burst into song and no joke the song I added came to mind - Enjoy)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SXh7JR9oKVE

Light had dawned at the Bolin table that night.  Clearly it had been a long day as not one person noticed or even realized what was wrong until after flipping the chicken over. A True OMG I AM SUCH A DUMBASS MOMENT! I had place it on the platter breast side down, but because I had cooked the chicken standing up on the grill, it made the legs fall backwards giving the appearance that the bottom of the chicken was the breast side. To Funny - Not one of us noticed that the chicken was upside down. Even after cutting it, they believed it was dry; again not even realizing it was upside down. We all looked at each other dumbfounded and then burst into a fit of laughter that lasted all through dinner.

So the moral of this funny tale, be sure your breasts are always in the upright position. Have a great day and enjoy the weekend! Until next time - Blog ya later.

"3 Men and a Lady - What's the Odds?"

H

ey everyone – It’s Friday. With the exception of a slight headache that I get periodically, I have still managed to accomplish the usual Friday morning tasks. Laundry is all done and I am proud to know that I had even took it upon myself, a month ago, to stop the never ending saga of "WHERE'S ALL THE JEANS?" What? You mean you have never heard of this saga? Well, well, my dear readers pull up a chair and sit down as I tell you this glorious tale of how 3 Men and a Lady - fit into one pair Jeans.

Now I will say, that yes,  I was getting rather tired of constantly washing , in a king size washer, two loads of laundry that consisted of 15 pairs of jeans, each, that would suddenly disappear before I even get them out of the dryer.  Even if I had washed them during the day, and had them folded and in three equal piles, I found that when one of my three men in this house went to get his pile, he would skim off the other two that always left the others in the house scrounging for their pair. Now this has been going on for the last two years. It is a blessing and a curse. What do I mean by that you ask? You see, my husband, my two boys, and now myself, all wear the same size jeans...what's the odds of that? However being a good thing on the wallet, it's a bad thing when they are all fighting for their favorite pair. My husband prefers dark boot cut jeans; my oldest son prefers any jeans and will acquire them from the others, when his are dirty and have not made it to the laundry basket. I have caught him in the act, with his extreme quickness, going into their closets or dressers to retrieve them from my husband or younger son, lurking in the shadows, walking swiftly and quietly, and peering around so not to get caught. My youngest son, he likes medium blue in color, but prefers a more standard cut vs. the boot cut dark blue jeans that I buy for my husband and oldest son.

But after a few washing and wearing, something bad happens in this house, all the jeans begin to look alike and soon a bigger issue develops - whose jeans are whose? Another problem we face and I know you will relate to this – We all have that favorite pair that we wear over and over, you know the ones, nicely faded, soft but not to broken in, and the zipper still works. But what happens when those favorite jeans are found on someone else? MADNESS! CHAOS! DRAMA! It starts a war, a big war, and believe you me; there is nothing worse than three men bitching about who has who’s jeans, first thing in the morning. Now I don’t have a clue why my brain had not thought of a solution earlier, maybe I thought it would somehow work itself out, maybe one of them would gain more weight and another would lose weight, but unfortunately that hasn’t happened yet and suddenly I was thinking. If my clue had to be broadcasted on the news this is probably what you'd hear - In the news today, local house wife finally gets a flippin’ clue and stops the jean drama, but the question still remains - Does her blonde hair color really come from a box? More news at 11.  My superbulous idea - Why not put an end to this saga once and for all and put names on the tags inside…BINGO! This Mama got a clue!

 I began with a strategic maneuver that I would like to call the "sniffing them out" approach which involved going into the rooms of my two teen age boys. My younger son, his room is very tidy and he is very good about getting his dirty items into the basket just outside of the bathroom. So I will say I was rather disappointed when I discovered that there were no jeans, clean or dirty, in his room. It was obvious to me that someone else was harboring an excessive amount and I was going to find every pair if it took me an hour. Once I rounded up any pair that didn’t have a man’s body in them, Yes, I know this may sound more on the extra extreme side of things, but a mama has to do, what a mama has to do. I even went as far as not only labeling all jeans in the house, including mine, I did socks and underwear too – That my friends was a feat far too graphic to write about and trust me, a man’s underwear should stay a mystery and be colored not tighty whites. Something about the white cotton briefs, all I can think of is the quote from Forest Gump when we used to have men’s white underwear in the house - "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get" - unless it is boxers with humorous prints on them. Hey I kept it clean - Wink.  All I can say is that if you happen to stumble onto a pair of underwear or socks on your seventeen year old floor, assume they are dirty and leave it at that. I learned the hard way on a pair of sock. OMG! I should have been wearing an instant alert medical device to save me from the toxic exposure. I can still hear it in my head, robot from the old television show “Lost in Space” - “DANGER WILL ROBINSON! DANGER! DANGER!”

I think it was about two weeks before I was able to smell again. Ok, I may have over exaggerated – Smile. It has now been about a month and laundry detail is exceptionally easy. You don’t even have to think, but still it is either my husband or I, that folds the laundry. Even through everything is labeled, once in a great while, someone forgets to get their jeans into the laundry bin. When this happens you know that the jean bandit will strike again and this house is thrown back into the jean drama plague.

So my words of wisdom today – Don’t be a jean thief, always keep your laundry done, and be sure to label all your clothes. Nothing worse than fearing you’re going to have to go to work in shorts, sweats or naked if you’re that behind in your laundry or the jean thief has made his way into your home. Have a FANTASTIC FRIDAY! Blog ya’ll later.