I Hate Getting Flashbacks from Things I don't want to Remember.

I knew after entering the building, that on this winter windy night – I was never going to be the same. My anxiety had been heightened all week long as I stewed on the invite to spend time with friends at a bar just on the outskirts of Hillsmere, Maryland to enjoy a DJ’d karaoke night and a few games of pool. We arrived early to get the best seats in the house, right next to the dance floor. As I sat enjoying conversation with my husband, I’m horrified as I see myself walk through the door. She is a blonde with a big smile and is laughing with two other friends.  My darkened inner world tells me it’s Donna and Crystal – but the reality is that I’m in Annapolis, Maryland, but I see 25 years ago in Adak, Alaska at that very same moment. My instinct tells me to run, my heart smiles to see my husband making full eye contact with me when my gaze is not distracted by false images of a flashback that is trying to convince me that I have returned to the past.

 A smell that doesn’t belong there entombs me – mom’s house, the peach air fresheners, the smell of fresh cut grass, the sounds of the ocean as seagulls fly over - these things help me wear a faux smile - but doesn’t release the invisible grip of my rapidly growing paralyzing fear.  I don’t want to be there, I want to go home, but say nothing as I don’t want my friends to know that I’m scared, I’m vulnerable, and I want this pain to finally go away. A master of hiding what hurts me, is what I believe I am – I am so very wrong!!!!

 I briefly turn to alcohol, to try to cut the fear - a temporary fix as the events of the night begin to unfold. I’m asked to turn around and look at the lady in the booth behind us – The blonde, people are laughing, they are taking pictures – I see my attacker and a video camera. She is dazed, dizzy, confused – she has been drugged and I must save her before he gets her. But I’m told it’s not my business and to not pay any attention to it. It’s up to the bartenders to take care of her. Elizabeth is who I see when I look over to the worker behind the bar to find this woman help. But nobody listens and tells me to turn away. I’m confused as the smell of my mother’s home during the same year I was assaulted - once again entombs me. I’m agitated, angry, scared, and mad, that my mind is telling me that nobody is doing anything to help this woman as men keep coming over to touch her, offering false assistance. She falls to the floor unable to stand unassisted. Nobody helps her – My friends immediately take charge to get the woman out of the building and away from males who are taking interest.

I’m told that my friend will be back as she takes the blonde outside, I turn to be face to face with a false image of my assailant as my arm is touched. I’m angry, I’m mad and something kicks in after all these years I'm no longer afraid, I’m bold, assertive, and I'm confident that my suit of armor is one of steel not tin foil  – “DO NOT TOUCH ME!” I command without fear. When I return to my table, I am angry  as I see a drunk woman sitting next to my husband, I don’t shy away this time – I speak up for myself, this woman will not take over my night with my husband and my friends. I find courage; I find a voice that I can hear as I speak. “Get up this isn’t your seat and that’s not your husband!” She tries to meet me with resistance and attitude – she's unaware I am fueled by excessive flashbacks and are stronger and stronger as I am forced to see the past that I had blocked for so long. 25 years of being angry that a waitress - that resembles this unknown woman at our table - that helped my attacker by drugging my drink.  

I don't want this negative element near my family anymore. I'm following my instinct that is filtered with past and present gut instinct - she's fake, she's unwanted, she's trouble - I finally become a voice of confrontation - “Get the fuck up and move on.” My friends have never seen that in me – my husband has never seen that - and I've never done that publicly - clearly something is coming to a head, but I refocus as I’m asked to assist again two other women, who are the blonde's friends, and an unknown male that was also feeling the effects of something other than excessive alcohol. My friends and I take over the chaos to get these women out of the building and home safely. It is only after the women leave that my fears had been confirmed - In the purse of one of the women - were the drugs that took a negative form of control on what was a night of fun, dancing and singing with friends.

The one of the bartenders are apologetic, but I want no part of what feels like poor acting as if they care. I’m insulted when I’m brought a shot from the female bartender trying to express that she should have known better. I’m skeptical that something is in the drink and my attacker awaits me. She doesn’t see the flashback that is entertaining my thoughts and visions.  I only reply – when she finally acknowledges that it’s her fault when she saw these patrons in distress earlier and did nothing. It is then I am able to speak and say – “Yes, you are right.” She realized she should have done something about it. My friends and I saved these three women while another group of people helped the man who came with them, from the other side of the room, get home safely as well.

I feel I had finally been giving a chance to right the wrongs that haunted me - I couldn’t save my roommate in 1991 and that I didn’t know how to help the girls that reported to me what had happened to them, as I was dealing with my own shock of being sexually assaulted and my own command did nothing when I reported it to them. As the negative chaotic atmosphere of the evening dissolves -  I’m alone at the table, when it is at this moment, my icy heart of hate, is deteriorating- I don't want to let go of who I had become on the inside, bitter while at the same time - so loving but iced over. I have a small fire of feeling a glimpse of self-worth that is growing - I'm panicked by this new feeling as my emotions are overwhelmingly drenched by the beautiful sense of inner goodwill.

I comprehend at that moment I’m not terrified by the sense of touch from someone who is not my husband or family, and I finally allowing a supportive hug from a friend who offered comfort as I finally found the courage to share the darkness in my mind, with those around me. I’m over flowing with sobbing emotion – I was meeting for the first time -  the realization and full understanding that what happened to me in October of 1991 – WAS NOT MY FAULT!. I feel that this was the final act of destroying my inner hate, and was placed at a cross road - I'm giving one of only two choices - I could be the victor and claim my new shoes of life, or retreat to the darkened corner of my thoughts and place it there again, for another day to try to emerge as my heart and soul try to finally heal the years of pain, fear, and anguish.

I like the new shoes. They are a bit snug, but will mold to meet my needs as I move forward in a positive light. I will NEVER forget that I can’t change the past and can't go back, but I can learn from it and teach to others what it has now taught me. It is OK to be afraid of things – but never let it control your life, because all those days you waste hiding and worrying – are days of your life you can never get back and only added to the hate and resentment. I can't say that I'll ever be 100%, trauma really changes a person and their perspective on their lives and the people around them. I'd be lying if I said that I will never have to check a room before entering and I'll won't have to look over my shoulder all the time. There is just something things that change in a person and as for trusting, this is the clause embedded  among the walls of my mind.

"You're modern woman with strong morals and several surprising old fashion values. You will have to be very clear about who you are while also understanding that often times you will scare potential friendships away.  Your ability to trust is a process that is earned over time; nobody is entitled to it, no matter how privileged one may believe they are. If one gains your trust, always know the clause, guard it with your life, because once another loses your trust - it’s gone and it could take days, months, years, or maybe it will never be given back - Only you can make that choice of when or if ever."

"The Sexy Spicy Halloween Surprise"

Well I couldn't resist this next little story that was sent to me from Alan in Portland, Maine, and with it being hump day - it fit - no pun intend.

 

Caution: Will cause big grins and maybe a laugh for some. If you are not wanting to be in a good mood do not continue reading this story. Don't say I didn't warn you.

The Halloween Surprise

Netlore Archive: At a Halloween party where everyone is in costume, a woman makes whoopee with a man she thinks is her husband.

Description: Urban legend
Circulating since: 1997 (this version)
Status: False
Example:
Email text contributed by SF Kid:

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had had. He said, "Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... The guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

"Her Gut Feeling Lead to Her Empowerment"

About a week ago, while shopping with my younger son, I ran into a lady that I assisted while working with our local police department about four years ago.  I never thought that after all the years that have passed I would recall my conversation with her at the station - very vividly.

FOUR YEARS AND TWO WEEKS AGO

She had come into our station wearing a pair of khaki shorts, a white tank top and a pair of flip-flops. She was only wearing mascara and a little sheer lipstick for make-up. Her hair was clean and her finger and toe nails had that, I just came from the salon look to them. She had not filed any report that she had been a victim of a crime. She did not appear to be in any physical distress and she didn't want to talk to an officer. She had simply asked if she could talk to someone about a situation at home with her husband. I think I could safely assume that the person working reception that day, immediately through of the victims unit that I worked in when they called me down to talk to her.

She was clear spoken, and I did what the officers would call the quick once over, as we walking into our lounge area to talk privately. A once over is a quick look as you are walking behind a person and  as they sit down to check for any signs of physical bruising on areas that are not covered by clothing. Usually a victim never notices when a person does this as there is usually other things on their mind. I however was not so cleaver in being undetected, and merely took the opportunity to cover my ways by commenting on her plum purple nail polish.

As we got to speaking, she revealed why she had come to me. She wanted to know if we conducted private investigations. Now I knew the answer was no, but she didn't take a break to let me interject that we did not conduct investigations of this sort. Ours, as far as I knew, were strictly crime related with a report that had generated. Her reasons as to why she wanted a P.I., she believed her husband was cheating.

So let me ask you first - if a person made this statement to you, man or woman, what would be your first response? Mine, I think was the most general answer out there and I replied, "Are you sure of this?" Honestly, there wasn't anything I could do from my professional stand point and I should have just listen without any comment, but my personal emotions kept standing by, as much as I wanted to push them aside. I felt for her as she went on to express how she felt crazy with each time she would confront him, he would deny the accusation and tell her she was over reacting, over thinking, and that he just couldn't believe how could she think so little of him - he loved her and had no desire to be with anyone else. If I only had a dollar for every time I've heard that response by people I've met over the course of my life, and granted there are people out there who do answer like this when questioned with infidelity - and they are not cheating.

There was a genuine sound to her voice that was mixed with a sense of sorrow and betrayal. In her heart of hearts, and her womanly voice inside, she believed that what she felt was so, even with his consistent answer of denial. Our conversation lasted no more than twenty minutes and I never once revealed that for some reason, I believed her.

TWO WEEKS AGO

I remember her face, her voice and her smile, as I tried desperately to recall her name, when she went out of her way to get my attention that day as my son and I did our shopping. "Boy do I have a lot to share with you" she said for all to hear. My son looked at me as if I had lobsters crawling out of my ears. My son has a fear that I will one day become trapped in our home. Why? He believes that my passion to be a writer for the movies, my soon to be released book "Deemed Crazy" and now my new job as a News Anchor and Reporter, will put me into the eyes of a the paparazzi and that one day I'll never be able to go out of the house without people wanting my autograph. Wow, if only I could attain a lifestyle like, buy only for the money that went with it... I'd certainly opt out of the paparazzi type of fame as with my luck, I'd find myself on the cover of Star Magazine with a wild headline that reads - "LOCAL MOTHER WAS ABDUCTED BY ALIENS or LOCAL MOTHER GROWS FULL MUSTACHE OVER NIGHT AFTER SPA LIP WAXING." Ok, the second one is kind of true and I'll share that story in a couple days.

Ok, I'm going off track, let me stop and go back to my story. Anyways, this time, she had a look of happiness, which was accompanied with a voice of anger and determination. In some ways, I think I knew what she was about to reveal, but I let her have this moment. My son just shook his head, he wanted to just leave and get on with our day.

"Remember when I said that I thought my husband was cheating on me and he kept calling me crazy?" she said, with hopes that I would remember.

"Yes, I remember" I replied.

"He has a son with another woman and I just found out about it."

Ok, I wasn't expecting that at all and that not only did she just find out, his side of the family have known for years and never said a word. I felt that I was in the midst of a soon to be LMN movie on True Life Thursdays. What had happened is that just shortly after her and I spoke, both her husband and herself agreed to separate to give them each some space and make it easier on their children that they have together. Now, I will agree, they were thinking about the best interest for the children. There was tension filled with ample arguing and verbal fights, so a break is what they both agreed upon and she felt it was working. Usually in the eyes of others and our legal system, this is considered a separation that last for about six months before they got back together. A SEPERATION DOES NOT MEAN YOUR MARRIAGE IS OVER!!!! IT MEANS IT IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO STEP AWAY AND ASSESS WHAT A COUPLE DOES OR DOESN'T HAVE AS A RELATIONSHIP FOR THE FUTURE. IT IS NOT A HALL PASS!!!!!!Unfortunately For this couple, the husband took this as a freedom card and lived the life of a single man that was faced with serious consequences. Now I know there are two sides to every story and I don't know his. But for me, this is my old fashion side shining through. Until a divorce decree is in hand that says that you are no longer bound by marriage to one another, you are NOT A FREE BIRD!!! You are not free to date, you are not free to sleep with others, you are not free to see whomever you choose! If you think you have this right....STAY AWAY FROM ME as one of these days I'm gonna crush this soapbox I keep jumping on. This goes for a man or a women, so guys don't think I am singling you out, this just happens to be one of those stories that result in a married man that got a woman, other than his wife, pregnant and then tried to live a duel life and got caught.

But this was not the shocker of the story either. The shocker was when she was relieved that she was so happy to learn she was not crazy, when he finally confessed to years of infidelity, before their six month separation. That knowing her instincts and gut feelings were right, gave her a new found sense of confidence that she had never had. That she now has the ball in her court. She wants a divorce and wants his lies out of her life. She has found her inner strength not to fear having to be independent and that her kids want to be with her. She now has found her voice and speaks up for herself. I will admit, that I will never forget her smile when she made a final statement before we left the store "Now that I know how to be a bitch, my husband is super sweet and tells me he wants me, and all that jazz, but for me - I'm living my life for myself and for my children and will never question my inner voice again."

            WORDS OF WISDOM

So my words of wisdom for the day – Choose to live an honest life. Living a lie only hurts you and the ones you love in the end. Have the courage to admit when you have done wrong. Never live a life that you believe that asking for forgiveness is easier than asking for permission – this could lead to very serious consequences. Learn to listen to the needs of your partner and what problems they may be facing. Everyone wants validation that they are being heard. A new found bond of love and trust will enrich your relationship with your partner if he/she knows you’re listening to them, that you will not place judgment upon them, and can feel compassion and understanding embraced by love. The outcome, they find safety to confide in the one person that truly matters to them - YOU. The last thing you want is to push them into the arms/life of some other person waiting on the sidelines for the opportunity to replace you. And believe you-me, those people are out there like crime, just waiting for the perfect opportunity to take something for themselves without any regards in how it will make you feel. So many fall victim to the belief that marriage is easy and realize very quickly it is all but easy. It is like a dance that incorporates a balance of give and take, it takes commitment, work, love, trust, dedication and so much more that would be a blog all on its own. Know what your vows mean and live by them as they are the frame work in building a long love filled life with that special someone. And the biggest, never pretend to be something you are not. Be the couple you are, not what others want you to be.

Have a great day everyone - Blog you later. :)

YES or NO...That is the Question.

So here I sit today, struggling with my own inner turmoil. It was brought to my attention last night, by a person outside of our family, that my older son had made a few bad choices over the past several months. I have chosen to refrain from going into detail about the situation, but it does warrant my title of this blog segment. Oh joy, how lucky for me. I get to write about my favorite topic. I mean that most sarcastically. What’s worse, it's just before our annual Christmas gathering. Ugh!

I want to share a tid-bit before going on with my blog. I am a person that gets extremely upset when I am lied to, especially if there is evidence to support my reasoning for wanting the truth. Now I totally get the families hesitation now, with the way they were confronted with my past detective form of questioning years back - Guilty until proven innocent. Yes, I guess I watched way too many crime and justice shows and I will say, Dragnet I am not. You see years ago, if I were given the truth I would have immediately reacted that usually resulted in a negative verbal way. But what's the old saying...that was the past, stop living in it and that is just what I have done. I have slowly learned that Yes or No answers are good, if not best, when trying to get to the bottom of a problem or situation.

Boy can I babble...OK, going on.  My husband was the one who got the initial call and then updated me on the situation at hand. Little did he know, when he was handed the phone at 10:34pm, after being half asleep, I could hear bits and pieces what the caller was saying on the other line. When my husband wouldn't answer my cautious questioning after the call had ended, I knew it was going to be something bad. I could sense his anger and rage building as he lay there in utter disbelief. He updated me on the events that had taken place and then proceeded to get up and get dressed. Having the support of physical evidence, both my husband and I addressed the situation but with two drastically different approaches.

Even though I knew this was not going to be pretty when he told me that he was going to address this and for me to stay in bed, I kept thinking that maybe I should have spoken to my son first as my husband was very upset. I lay there quiet as a mouse and I put my extra special hearing abilities into handy mode.  My husband took a thought collecting moment to go outside and smoke a cigarette before making that journey down the stairs into my son’s room. All I heard was my husband asking "Do you have anything to say about this?" As for my son’s responses, the ears had failed me. Dang it! Yet judging from my husband’s reaction with his scuffle with the wall, that lost the fight in the stairwell, he did not get the answers he was seeking. Now I am grateful that my husband contained his anger when talking with my son, however the temper that resulted in a hole in my wall, which is the first time I have ever seen this side of him, has me even more upset about the whole situation.  I don't like it and I made it perfectly clear that having to pay for a repair after getting our home fixed and remodeled makes me so mad I could spit nails.

I totally understand my husband’s frustrations and how he was feeling. There has been numerous times that I have felt the very same way all because I have wanted just one simple answer to questions that don't require an explanation. All I wanted was one word that was either a yes or a no. Instead I'd get comments like; "Maybe, well no," "I don't know," "I don't recall," "I don't remember," and the biggest one and the one I hate the most - "I've had plenty of opportunity, but if you’re thinking bad about me, then something is wrong." That was my husband’s favorite line that lasted for only a few short weeks

Until he saw the evil woman I could become when I thought my man was lying to me. Hum... to me those types of answers are admission of guilt, but to others it's a way of being the dominate one. Yeah, Yeah, Whatever. Just give me a straight answer and truthful answer, not what you think I want to hear. What hurts me, is not really the fact that I am being lied to, it is the realization that I can't be valued enough to be told the truth. Good or bad, my family is supposed to come to me or to my husband. Let me find out by a third party and Houston we have a problem.

My husband returned to bed and managed to settle down a moment before I cautiously suggested that I make an attempt to get to the heart of the story.  For me, what my son did resulted in immediate and continued long term punishment - the taking of his precious cell phone for starters.

This was the first thing I said, calm and collected, "Hand me your phone." 

His response was "I paid for that." To which I replied, "And I pay the bill for that phone and you’re being punished for your behavior. Speaking of behavior did you or did you not do the things that were said about you. Yes or No?"

I immediately sensed his hesitation for fear of being caught - Too late your busted buddy!  His replies varied from all of the response quotes I mentioned above which immediately put me into a tailspin.  Here it was, the truth and evidence had been presented and he feared being caught. He did eventually confess to some of the things he had done and does understand that not only is there punishment, he will write apology letters and hand deliver them.

I also tried to explain to him that honesty is always the best policy and that the truth always sets you free. People may forgive...and this situation is a very big maybe, but it will never been forgotten, not by me or my husband or the people involved. The level of trust has been broken. He did say that he messed up and made a few bad choices, still not answering yes or no to my questions of each event. I am not asking for detail. I am asking for him to take ownership of this situation.  A Yes or No answer is all this is required at this time. But for those friends of my oldest son, you'll have to call the house number. He will be without a cell phone indefinitely and his personal life is going to be on hold for a spell.  As for my husband and his scuffle with the wall, well I know what he'll be doing tomorrow after work...and he hates doing Sheetrock. For me, as upset and disappointed as I am about everything that has taken place I feel for the others involved and I hope that it does not dissolve our friendship. Also, for all of my readers, you can note for the record, I don't punch things...I blog about them.

My youngest son is always telling people that I make the following statement. "Be careful with what you say and do, or you'll end up in my next book and/or blog."  I guess he's right.

Calgon Take Me Away!