I had been fretting for months that my husbands family would not be happy with me due to my recent book I had published. I also feared I would once again be left out in the cold while another family member would treat my husband as the long lost boyfriend and do their fair share of keeping us apart, yes oddly enough this has happened before. I also worried extensively, as I had said in my last blog, that our flight would be treacherous because of my fear to fly. There was a lot going on in this mind of mine, you name it I feared the worst for the last three months since this trip was planned. As much as my extreme thoughts had me anticipating a trip filled with disappointing moments resembling the movie National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, I found a way to change all that and it rendered our family trip over the Thanksgiving holiday, anything but eventful. On December 18th, the day we were leaving, I decided that I was not going to worry over anything. Life was going to happen and no matter how much I want to control the outcome so that nobody was hurt or disappointed, I threw caution to the wind and let my guard down once and for all. Doing this was the best medicine that our family of four has been seeking for so many years. Not only were they happy, it let life fill me with so many moments of joy, happiness and a deeper connection that my husband and I and our boys have needed.
I will say, I couldn't help but wonder when the drama would begin and for each moment that in years past would have resulted in such extreme negative behavior, this time it was just the simple life, quality family time, great conversation and a true inner peace enriched with unconditional love. This had always been my secret Christmas wish that I longed for, only to realize it had always been there - I just wasn't awake in my mind to see it until now. I had let the hurt of all those moments in years past, constantly dictate my distant personality - I was so tried of feeling so bad for so long, that this idea of changing my worrying ways was the moment in which I found complete peace. At this present time as the words in my thoughts find their way to my pen and paper, I shed tears of happiness and contentment. I can honestly say that my fear of the changes in my life had actually been the fear of would I ever get home in my mind to be the wife, mother, friend and lover that had been trapped inside me, doing everything and anything to be heard, to be seen, but was suffering inside through my own invisible destruction. I guess the old saying - If ma'ma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy, really was true.
I sit here today, joyful of the moments that I was apart of and memories that will be forever etched into our souls. I can still hear the laughter of my boys and husband as we drove to places such as Sidney, North Platte and Scottsbluff Nebraska. The excitement that filled our SUV as we drove up the mountain to enjoy a weekend in Estes Park, Colorado where we experienced a grand snow during the "Catch the Glow" Christmas parade in Estes Park. Our trip was one of pure relaxation and fun. None of us wanted to come back to the world of reality, but like all things fun, our trip would soon end and we'd be flight bound back to the east coast. But I am happy to report that life has been just as grand at home as it was on our trip. For me, I can honestly say - Hello life, I've missed you. Thank you for bringing me back to reality and helping me see that what is important are the people around me, not the material things we have. That we don't know how long we have in life and to make the most of every day. If you are occasionally dealt with some negativity from others, learn to deal with it, but not consume it. People are who they are and some will never learn the value of changing within themselves and there is nothing you can do to fix it. I have also found that if you love yourself, than you can show love to those who are important in your life. All my love to the three special men in my life - My husband Ron, and my two sons, Ryan and Reese.
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 "Life's not the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away" |
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