HELLO!! I suggested to do what for the Holidays?

Well hello everyone. I do apologize for the sporadic writing on my blog.  Some days I have a big folder of words to share, which is stored in this uncharted mind of mine.  Other days, I feel I have misplaced the folder and can't put a decent sentence together.  I'm told with my sporadic way of thinking that is the mind of a writer with occasional road blocks.  Ha ha. OK I'll accept that, but really it is a mind of an unorganized thinker with all kinds of thoughts.  Most of my writing comes from something that has happened to me, my family, even a possible stranger walking down the street. The bad part about that...I'm never in front of a computer when I need to be. Today's humorous little story is about traveling for the holidays.

On occasion I would have to say that I suffer from anxiety, well that is what my doctor calls it. I call it an ultra-hormonal whack me in the head, knock my butt out, invisible destruction, and panic attack. Phew, I typed that in one breath.  I know what causes them and I know what to do when I begin to feel that I am not myself...yes I'm hearing you - a Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde personality.  The biggest trigger for these weird feelings is fear. If I am scared of something...OMG, my world will begin to spin like the Tasmanian devil on a Bugs Bunny cartoon. I am not one that runs to the doctor every time I have hurt myself or feel out of sort. If anything I am told that I should not try to be my own personal doctor and go in when necessary. But for this fear I am presently dealing with, there is not much a doctor can really do unless beatings were legal. So knowing this tid-bit of information about mwah, let me get into this glorious tale.

My friends and my family have had the luxury, and I mean that most sarcastically, of being on a plane with me in bad weather, and know exactly how bad I can be.  It is my own inner turmoil.  I don't stand up and scream, I don't foam at the mouth, I don't wet my pants...as I pee before I get on a plane, and I don't drink to get myself through hard or scary times.  I have however, learned an excellent exercise called - Fear Llamas.  In through the nose, out through the mouth slowly and is repeated about 10,000 times while squeezing my temples which turns them a beautiful shade of purple, until the plane is out of the storm clouds and on the ground. My family and I are planning our first big trip to my husband’s home state for the holidays.  He misses living out West and our plans are to move that way in three years...but I'll get to the rest of that story in another blog.  Anyway we have gone out West numerous times but there way is always one thing that was different, because of me - We drove.  So what changed with this trip....oh you'll love this. Because we didn't want to waste four days of driving in our vacation, I was the first to suggest flying.  HELLO!! I suggested doing what? I must have been out of my mind? Was I hungry or lacking so much sugar from all the dieting I have been doing, that I completely lost my marbles? I wanted to fly instead of drive? Now this idea came to me in the middle of the summer. I was completely fine with the idea. Now with this pending trip just around the corner, the little voice that lives in the back of my mind moved to the front right over my eyes causing me to rub my forehead any chance I get. Forget waiting until my butt is on the plane.  So what is it that bothers me about flying, truthfully - I have no control over any possible situation such as plane delays, bad weather trips, crying babies, and the biggy - getting from A to B, safely. But let’s look on the bright side, if it is a nice sunny day, just keep the word searches in front of me with endless bags of peanuts, that usually have, 14.3 peanuts in each package, and I'll be just fine.

My youngest son is a little anxious about this trip as it has been a long time since he has been on a plane. The last time he had flown was during his fearless years in elementary school.  So yesterday I did what any mom would do to keep the worry warts busy - I hit the "Five and Below" store and got a few word searches and Sudoku books for me.  For my sons, I got them both "Ripley's Believe it or Not" and some really good gross joke books for them.  I am also told that since this flight is over 2 hours long...there will be an in-flight movie and brunch. Waa whoo! Food is fun! Our trips always have some kind "Griswold" adventure and I am sure our time we will be spending in Colorado and Nebraska will not be any different from our travels in years past. If we get our rental car, and it is the one we reserved, that is half the battle. I'll be sure to document our travels with video, pictures and my trusty, to share all of you. If I find out location is to remote to use a computer or my oldest son can't pry himself from his girlfriends I-phone, that she lets him use, the only solution to share my stories with you, is that you'll have to check back soon to find out what crazy adventure/s we faced this time. Who know, maybe more Jurassic Gummie Bears that break our teeth?  Or here's a new one - Dad gets another speeding ticket, but this time in a different state. Oh, that would be different. So to all of my readers out there, I wish for all of you a safe, happy and healthy Thanksgiving filled with lots of stuffing, turkey, cranberry sauce and we can't forget the most important dish - a side of FOOTBALL! 

A Strangers Life Lesson

As I said in my book, there are times when people come into our lives no matter how long or brief it may be, but still have a permanent impact on who we are and/or who we want to be in our future.

To the very talented photographer I spoke with at the Annapolis Bowling Alley today while my boys pre-bowled. Thank you for inspiring my day with your kind words.  By sharing your own personal challenges that life has placed before you and how you cope, has helped me see and understand a part of life from a different angle. I will always incorporate what I've learned into my life lessons.   May you always believe in yourself and never say the word "Can't."  You don't have to be a Seabee to get yourself into a CAN-DO frame of mind.  You CAN and WILL achieve your goal to loose 40lbs. To believe that you can, the outcome is - You will.   OOH RAH!!

Have a blessed day - Most Sincerely, BU3 Ret Stacey L. Bolin

Segment from the book "Window Prints" by Stacey L. Bolin

"Window Prints" Written by Stacey L. Bolin
Copyright August 2011 all rights reserved.

Have you ever had a sense of inner fear terrorize you? Did it make you feel like you were losing your mind? What if you suddenly woke up while living your life and discovered that something terrible had happened to you as a child that could alter the outcome of your future many years later? I'm not afraid of horror movies or squiggly things in the dirt, most bugs don't bug me and snakes, and well if they keep to themselves then we can find a common balance of good yard harmony together. I even look forward to the occasional Halloween trick.  However I will finally admit that I do suffer from a fear that has made up me since I was 9 years old.  You see, back then I was subjected to a life that my mother was completely unaware of.  I was also told that if I ever said anything to her, I would be killed. That what the man had done and was doing, was no body's business.  This same man was the one who first taught my heart the feeling of loss.  What did I lose?  The inability to feel his love for me, as he never loved himself due to something that haunted him in his past.  The man was good at sharing himself with everyone but the ones who truly loved him.  He went from lady to lady with no remorse that he was a married man.  It didn't matter as long as other women in his life would stroke his ego, but they also preyed upon his weaknesses.  The man believed himself to be a mighty one that all looked up to for life answers, that he could do no wrong, and for that he lived by his own set of rules. He wore a beard and long hair so that his weaknesses would not be detectable. He thought he was almighty, rough, trough and unbreakable, but in actuality, he was as fragile as a china doll in a Hurricane. As a small child the man would leave me alone in his truck, when we delivered wood to his customers, during the darkness of the cold and bitter winter New England nights, as he embraced the forbidden passions he desired while in the homes of other woman. The man's temper was of no set pattern, and when mother stepped out for some time to herself, the man would express his range through physical and emotional abuse. But still mother didn't know and I still never told a soul. The man would come around for birthdays and holidays during his busy work days.  He would buy expensive gifts to compensate for the time he was never home with us and the long nights without word if he was OK or not. Buying gifts was the only way he could show love. He would stay at these events with all our family and guests, but like clockwork every year, the phone would ring and he would leave for some unknown destination, which only I knew about...so I thought. I was unaware that numerous community members and customers knew of the man's wrong doings, but feared him just as much as I. To me, I knew that what the man was doing was wrong and that someone should tell my mother, but remembering the man's words silenced me until I was grown and gone from my childhood home more than 20 years later. My mother eventually learned of what the man was doing and asked for a divorce, yet he vowed to change...a change that would never present itself and they soon would part ways. As years passed other forms of fear began to manifest as triggers would bring the thoughts of the little girl into the present day.  I fear death due to the passing of friends and relatives. I fear the unknown, I fear being replaced and the worst fear of fears - being alone. To try to protect both the woman in me and the young little girl who reside within one soul, I found that if I could control a situation, I would not have to risk feeling the emotional pain that could come from it, such as my kids getting hurt if I let them ride their bikes outside the yard.  I feared them getting hit by a car. The fear of flying, as the only control I had was to get on or off the plane, after that my travel was in the hands of the man or woman behind the controls. My health is what I fear in the future. I am 15 years remission from cancer, but told it could always return. As I learn to deal with my fears I am learning to remain aware of any controlling mannerisms I may try to display. I am relieved to know that I never did anything dire, for example; I never told anyone what they could and couldn't do.  I never kept anyone against their will and I never told a lie to alter a situation. However what I have done since  the man died two years ago, I lost my control within to shed away my layers of silent hate, anger and rage because I was never given to ability to find closure with what had happened to the little girl inside of me. The little girl that I hide inside still waits for an answer, to a question that will never be answered - Daddy, do you love me?