2015 Already? How Time Flies.

 

 

Photo: By Stacey Bolin 8/2012

Greetings Everyone and welcome to the year 2015. Like riding a bike, it's great to be writing again. What a busy year it has been for my family and I. Our lives have been on this huge rollercoaster with the typical ups and downs in careers, health, finances, dreams and plans, but even when things feel like they can't get any worse or can't get any better, each New Year still arrives right on schedule and a feeling of another chance and a sense of new beginnings begin to appear on the horizon.  For my family and I, this is the year that I'd like to call - Opening the door when positive opportunity knocks.

Notice the word underlined...Positive. As we lived our lives in 2014, we couldn't help but notice how many struggles had overcome friends and family members, that even if I could extend out my hand and offer an ear, I just felt I couldn't do enough to make a positive change. I'm sure that I am not the only person who has ever felt that way, but it made me realize how thankful I am to have the many special people in my life, especially a husband who loves and cares for me, my two boys who are growing into young men - faster than the speed of light and to know that I am still in remission. So this year my vow is to steer clear of the negative darkness that works hard to shadow over happiness and stay positive.

 

While hanging out on Facebook, a friend of mine posted a quote that I don't even know if she realizes it is one of many favorites.

 

"It is what it is...not what it should have been and not what it could have been. It is what it is". 

 

There are days when I forget the peace within this quote and that the world can not be fixed or changed in one day. I'd like to look at life in a new perspective and knowing that I can not go back to the past, or even change the past or change people within it, but simply understand - "It is what it is." 

 

So my love for taking photographs, and feeling inspired by a friend I created this with the hopes that as people sit down for their morning coffee, or just talking to someone on your phone, or looking to give a unique gift, someone will be touched that this was made from the heart with the hopes to turn a frown upside down. You can check out my link.

https://teechip.com/beepositive#id=1001&c=014695


Until tomorrow - have a wonderful day and smile - it has the ability to be addictive and also makes people wonder what your up to.

 

"Visitor In a Dream"

"Visitor in a Dream" - A true story

By Stacey L. Bolin

2/4/2013
Instrumental Musical Piece used to help me find the words to this story.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9XeaGxHKgE&list=RDRKaeeU5kqzs

 

She had been experiencing many dreamless nights since her husband's best friend had passed away three months ago. She worried what this meant, because as far back as she could remember, all her life she had been touched by the dreams that she walked though in her sleep - both good ones and bad ones. Often times many of these vivid experiences would leave her with the inability to know the difference between being awake or living in a twilight world of images. On one particular night late in January of 2014, a visitor, in her dreams, and one she had anticipate would come to her over the past few months, finally arrived as she slept while she lay wrapped in the arms of her husband and the softness of their cotton sheets. She slowly walked around in the life inside her dream, listening to the sounds of seagulls above and enjoying the warmth from a sun that gave her the belief that she was in California. Images of people all walking by, all wearing smiles upon their faces gave the impression all was well - she felt safe.  He stood tall and walked up to her with his unique stride, unlike the last time she had seen him lying motionless on his bed in his home, in early July, as the effect of his disease continued to consume him until his dying day. Soon, he stood before her - she knew him and wanted so much to throw her arms around him and welcome him back.

He began to circle around her and moved gracefully - angelic. A voice, his voice, as strong and as clear as life had once given him so many years ago, spoke of a day that was important and where she would find it in a box of photos that had been sheltered from life's light. She knew of the day that he spoke of, but not a word did she speak. Soon a feeling of deep seeded sorrow began to grow inside her, as she knew that when he left, she would never see him again, as it would be the same as all the visitors that have passed on, and chose to come back to see her one last time - they knew she could help them connect with the ones they left behind. She looked upon him, wanting so much to touch him and bring him back to the life and the family that ached for his return. As his image slowly moved away, she found her words and promised him that she would find the picture and would get it to his wife.

Her eyes opened to the darkness of her bedroom - he was gone but the sorrow still lingered. She lay there quietly, not to disturb her husband as he slept peacefully. Tears rolled down her face to pool upon her pillow. The reality of death had been lost within her dream world where all lived on, healthy and free from the pain of disease and illness they had been battling. The alarm clock began to play its morning wake up tune as the coffee pot in the kitchen signaled, with several beeps, that a much needed morning jolt of caffeine was ready and waiting. She lay still in the bed as she watched her husband slowly rise and begin his morning routine. She wanted to tell him about his best friend coming to visit her in her dreams - but again couldn't find a voice without tears to be shed – she’d wait until later in the day.

She chose to set her sorrow aside and got up and helped her family prepare for their day at work and school, while silently reliving the dream. As she saw the last of her family off to begin their day, she stood in the sounds of silence of their home, still coping with the disbelief that their friend was no longer among them. The sorrow began to grow again as she knew that she needed to face her fears and find the moment in time that he spoke of.

Since the passing of their friend in November, she battled one emotion after another. She missed him tremendously as he had occasionally offered her guidance to understand the mind of a front line solider and how to connect with the man in her life and understand the continued battle of war that was still being fought within their minds. His words had been silenced until now and she knew that he would not have asked her to do something, if it wasn't for the best of reasons.

She feared the pictures that she would stumble upon - images of her children as they grew though the years, the smiles of her grandparents that had passed away some years ago, and the youthful look of her and her husband on their wedding day. 

Her hands shook as a deeper reality of her fears came forward forcing her to find an unknown strength to reach for the photo albums and photos boxes that had been tucked away because of her fears that she told nobody about. In a huge clear box that had been put away into the darkness of a closet, was her entire life on Kodak film that marked numerous life moments in a past that she missed and would live over and over again, if given the ability to go back in time.  Her heart cried out as she touched each picture and relieved each memory - she was finally facing her fears of saying goodbye to each day that has passed though the hands of time, the fear of getting older and seeing the difference in her hair color that was now turning gray, the fear of her parents passing away, the fear of never getting to hold her babies like she did when she brought them into the world, the fear of them moving away and not missing her,  the fear of her guilt for not telling a person how much she loved and appreciated them, before they passed away and fearing the death of her relationship knowing that one day, her and the love of her life  would be separated to pass through heaven's gate and the endless wonder if they would ever meet again?

"God please help me,” was all she could say as she continued through the photos one by one. Without warning immediately she found herself back on a warm California day in December of 1992. The picture she had been asked to find was now in her grasp. A moment captured in time and was what the visitor in her dream now looked like once again. She laughed and cried as the memories of that day flooded her mind, heart, and soul. She now understood why it was important for her to get this photo to his wife. She also knew why he asked her to find it. It wasn't just for him and his wife, it was also for her and her husband as well.

 

Knottsberry Farm - California 92

 

 ***

The four of us knew what this day meant, as the military was going to transfer my husband and I to a different duty station and his best friend and his wife would remain in California. We knew that there was a good chance we might never see one another again.  What we took from this day was something nobody could ever take from us both in life and in death - A bond of brothers in arms, friendships that would last forever, and that we had all found our love of a lifetime.

 

Finding this picture, helped me realize that he is watching over his family ,and ours, and that when our time comes - he'll be waiting to greet us at heavens gate, but for now, we must enjoy our time on this massive earth, don't fear the past, don't dwell in the past, learn from it and enjoy what you have done in your life and keep moving forward doing what you do to the best of your ability -  as you only get once chance to make it the best it can be.

"I'm Back On-Line - But Feeling Broken"

Update: 

 "Night Whispers" will resume next week. Thanks for checking in.

The reason behind my writing delays: 

Wow, I have to say I certainly didn't expect to let any of my readers down as I had promised you a story to knock your socks off, when instead, a series of events had knocked mine off - with the biggest being just two weeks ago, 4th of July, my family and I took a road trip to see very dear friend and family members. Many of you probably remember reading a blog that I wrote about wanting to know why bad things happen, especially to good people.  If you don't recall here is the name of the story on this blog. "I Want to Know Why!?!?!?!?!?!?!?” -  It appeared 3/14/12. 

We've spoken over the phone with his wife and son several times, but nothing could prepare us for the moment when we would stand face to face with the effects of ALS. It was a complete shock and so hard to believe that what we were seeing had progressed so fast from a year ago. August of last year our families were enjoying two of the greatest weeks of weather, sand, surf, and Disneyland and oh so much more in California - nothing could go wrong. For the kids, it was a trip of a lifetime, a place they had only seen on television, but for the adults, we were going back to our old stomping grounds when our lives were part of the Seabees where we were active duty in Port Hueneme, California. My husband and his brother in arms, Fred, were both Equipment Operators with NMCB 5, and I was going to Builder "A" school. It was his request that he wanted to go back there before his ALS progressed. Now as I look back upon it - it is a trip that we will treasure forever. My husband is the one in the white shirt.

 

EO3 Fred Wilson, and EO3 Ron Bolin
"Seabee Museum" - Port Hueneme Naval Base - California
August 2012

 

EO3 Bolin, EO3 Wilson, and BU3 Stacey Bolin
"Seabee Museum" - Port Hueneme Naval Base - California
August 2012

 

But on this day when we arrived at his home in Michigan, no longer stood the man we were used to seeing as the ALS was doing its best to win a battle that he refuses to give into. If ever a miracle was needed, I'd like to think he'd be one of millions to receive it. Already I had begun to worry about the upcoming months and what they would bring...suddenly I found myself deeply saddened and unable to stay focused on writing the mystery story of the summer. Not only has this reality effected the ability to put words on to paper, but even at work I am struggling to stay focused and yet, when I try to update people on what I am going through, I feel my strength want to break free and I'm left hanging onto the 50 gallon bucket that I've filled with tears already. So instead I try to hold it in, but at this point I'm going to have to let someone know as I really do enjoy my work and with all the people I work with. I do my best to stay constantly busy and certainly I don't want people to think I'm not able to do my job, but every time the phone rings I fear its bad news, even though in my heart, I believe miracles happen every day.

I'm not ashamed to say it either...this gal is feeling stressed and that I am so looking forward to my therapy appointment this week - boy do I need it.

 

Please, to anyone who reads this, I know many of you may not know Fred, but please take a moment to say a prayer for his full recovery so that he can see his children and his grand daughter grow up and so that he can be with his wife who has been with him every change and turn that ALS has thrown at them.

Until next time - Blog ya later.

 

 

 

 

Making New Memories in an Ever Changing World - Pt. 1

H

ello to all in blogger land. I will say it is great to be back online again, but coming off of a vacation makes it very hard to get back into the swing of things. We've been back in Maryland since August 16th, and I will be the first to fess up and say - Dang that jet lag. I feel almost zombiefied, is that a word? Oh well if it's not, but it explains my sluggish presence both physical and mentally. So where did I go on vacation you ask? Well then let me share my story with you.

It was a place that I had been reminiscing about for the last twenty years - going back to California where I started my military career.  The only thing I had was the memories that I had stored in my mind because for some unknown reason I didn't take to many photographs of my time in California, which has never made any sense to me. I have a video tape of parts of the base, which only has me thinking one thing, my mind was not on the base, it was on the atmosphere and the hot men on the base. Hey I'm a woman, and then I was single and a free agent. After Ron and I got married I had only been there a total of five days with him and we never went on the base together, we spent our time together at his apartment or watching sunsets on the rocky cliff side of Point Mugu State Park. So my base memories are mainly from my days while going to "A" school, but one thing that has changed...I'm not checking the land for hot guys. 

Now don't get me wrong, I still think men look great in their Seabee uniforms, but there is only one man for me and it doesn't matter that he no longer wears his uniform now. I remember vividly what he looked like in his original solid green Seabee Uniform and it always takes my breath away.  Then when I stop to day dream about what he'd look like in it now, well let’s just say there is not enough cold water in Maryland to cool the burn. *Wink*.  Ok, ok, I can't think and write when my mind starts driving down gutter alley, so let me get back to my story. Now the average person with a normal mentality knows that after twenty years, 9 out of 10 times, nothing stays the same. I'd like to think of myself as average, but normal - hum???? I had it all done up beautiful in my mind what the day would be like when we would once again be stepping off the plane in LA. The only thing that was missing from my unrealistic thoughts was dancing bears, balloons and Bob Barker from the Price is Right. Yes, I know he's retired, I'm not that far gone. Smile. For some dumbass reason, I honestly believed that when I left Port Hueneme on July 3, 1991, all would stay the way I had left it. Can anyone please tell me WHAT THE HELL WAS I ON? Talk about crazy thinking as if I was living in the land of glittery rainbows and unicorns.

It was a wonderful feeling to know that this time I was returning with my family. Everything was going smoothly.  We found a great place for my truck in the long term parking lot, the bus was very prompt to get us to the terminal, and the line for security was almost as quick as our trip to Estes Park in November of 2011. As we waited to board our flight, my oldest son had gotten to meet one of the actors from Nitro Circus - Hubert Rollin; I think I got that right, who was traveling out to LA on the same plane as ours.  I can't even explain the amount of disappoint both of my sons felt when a seat they had hope he would fill next to them was taken by a lady that could only say a few words in English - "You have sanitizer, baby puke on me." My oldest son was relieved to know that he was not the one in the middle, his younger brother was, and would have to smell her unique perfume for the next four hours and forty-five minutes. I guess it was a blessing that he was prepared to keep his mind occupied while my oldest son chose to sleep.

I was so excited that I was going to get to show them where their mom and dad had gone to school to become Seabees. I couldn't wait to take them on the base to show them all the places I had gone when I lived there and show them all things I had seen as well. As the plane made its decent into LA, all looked as it did when I flew in for the very first time twenty years ago; which had me even more excited for a grand adventure. 

It wasn't until we got off the plane, the horror started. When I used to fly to California, I would travel American or Delta Airlines and both had a much larger terminal and if I recall correctly is also part of the main terminal. This time we flew Southwest, so the moment I stepped off the plane my world was not what I had remembered or had tried to envision. Where were all the people dressed in a multitude of colors in outfits from far off lands? Where was the striking blue carpets and marble floors? Where were the escalators that went on for miles and miles? It was nowhere to be found. I was feeling lost, confused, and completely out of my comfort zone, but I didn't let on to my family that I was in the midst of a pending panic attack. I knew they could sense that I was distraught and somewhat nervous, but they never said anything other than, let’s go get our luggage.

The location where we picked up our luggage was small, congested and very dark feeling. They had me sit down with our carry-on items until our bags arrived. I was in a daze and this picture below is how my mind felt. (That is my husband with the glasses hanging off his t-shirt and my younger son with the red hair waiting for our things). How they remained so cool, I'll never know as my husband dislikes large crowds.

I smiled at people who I recognized from our plane and continued to take in as much of my surroundings as I could. My reasons for this - someday I am sure there will be a next time for my travels to California and I won't feel so lost, however I immediately felt myself building a new set of blueprints in my mind, but this time I would make sure I'd have big bold letters that would say - Subject to change over the course of time. Smile.  We gathered up our luggage and made the trek outside to locate the shuttle that would take us to our rental car. This too was something new to me, as I got a better deal with a company outside of the terminal than I would have gotten with Budget or Dollar Rental, two companies I had preferred years before. My kids were amazed by the noticeable difference in the temperature - a bright sunny day that was no more than 78 degrees and dry. It was heavenly. In about an hour, maybe less, we found ourselves and our luggage venturing off in our 2012 Nissan Altima (My husband’s favorite rental car) making our way onto the highway heading towards PCH (Pacific Coast Highway Route 1) on our way to Port Hueneme/Oxnard. We were on our way back to a part of our lives, for my husband and I, when we were both single and at that moment I could hear in my subconscious a voice saying - "My dear daughter, nothing stays the same."

It was at this same moment I feared my choice to come back. I worried that maybe what I thought was a great life that my husband and I have together would be tested by memories that would instill regret by choices we have made. I know it sounds crazy, but life can be crazy and we all deal with it differently. I also knew I was going back to a place that also harbored a few bad memories for me, during my single days, and I was scared to know that it was time to face the truth and let go of events beyond my control. I needed to learn that what took place It was in the past and this time I was going to leave the past behind to move forward to make new memories with my family and that is just what I chose to do, but never in my wildest imagination did I ever think our family vacation would take some of the twists and turns that it did. The best way to describe it would be blending an episode of - When Vacations Attack with a big pile of Disneyland Magic.  It was indeed an adventure that we filled with new memories and I can't wait to share the rest of my story with you.

So join me tomorrow as my story continues and I introduce you to "Big Toe" and his pool buddies and why a tennis court has netting on a chainlink fence.  Look out Clark Griswold - You've got nothing on "Big Toe."  Until tomorrow - Blog ya later.