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I am relaxed while on his side of our bed, with
his fan he has left on, that sits on a chair next to his side, blowing gently and his
sent remains around me on his pillow. I fall asleep easily to whatever channel
I have on the television, and the words he spoke to me over the weekend –
he is still in love with me, playing over and over in my mind. A part of me has finally found inner peace.
As I dream, I harshly wake to the sounds of yelling
and loud music – it is the movie Jarhead. I have never seen this, and had only
read small segments out of the book from which the true story movie is told.
When I first opened the book, I could not connect as I could not understand
this soldiers pain - not until now. I know the feelings portrayed in the
movie and now I can suddenly relate, but why? I heard about the war from members of my husband’s military unit and
it is duplicated exactly from the words that I chose to read in the book, but
now something is wrong in my mind and in my heart. A fear of true understanding
overwhelms me, but I keep watching as each event in the movie unfolds, and it
is reminding me of very brief statements by my husband that stems from his life from a blocked timeline that is slowly revealing itself about his experiences in the Desert
Shield/Desert Storm war. I guess I can say that I was clueless as to the magnitude of what our men went through over there. I see people talk about it, who were never there, with the attitude of, if I don't learn about it - it never happened. BUT IT DID! Because of it, our soldiers of war will forever deal with an altered life caused by the fear of what they have gone through.
Right now I feel I have gone to college class and have learned that I finally passed after failing it over and over again. The words that my husband talks
about, darkness during the day as oil rains upon his unit, the countless charred
remains of what was once a human life and the sounds of artillery shells
exploding in the distance. He too has a book within himself that refuses to
offer the chapters to help those around him, understand. He has blocked events
in his mind that find their way back into his daily thoughts, that he'd rather have stayed locked away. He stands on
the edge of the sand at any beach, and sees the desert and would rather not touch it. I saw a man that didn’t want to
go away for the weekend. He smells the hot oil in a newly paved road, and he sees the desert and wants to get far away from it. I
saw a man that is frustrated that traffic is backed up and is growing impatient. While standing in a large crow with unexpected
noise and chaos, he sees the desert and wants to go home and isolate himself away from all of it. I saw a man that was looking for an excuse
not to go shopping He goes to work and operates equipment and drives truck – he
sees the desert and is exhausted by the constant memories. I saw a husband/father who was depressed and needed help, but didn't understand why.
I found myself crying for my husband as I
am fixed on the story that is playing out in front of me on TV so early in the morning. It is this moment that the light comes on and I realize there
is so much more to my love of a lifetime, physically he is home, but the desert
has claimed him as its prisoner of war and refuses to let him free. I sit here now
only an hour after watching this movie, and our life together slowly becomes an instant slide show of memories that offer answers to many moments of frustration and concern, without any explanation then, to help me understand. After twenty years of marriage and a tightness in my throat as I desperately
fight to hide my sorrow from my children – I finally understand the words that he would say to
me over and over when I endlessly keep ask him what was wrong, causing his anger towards me to grow. He just couldn't say it enough "his problems were not about me." for me I could only keep wondering in my clueless mind, "WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!?" All this time, I believed I was the sources
of his negative feelings, only to learn three months ago – The desert is his
pain.
My words of wisdom are to the friends and family
members of our Military war veterans. We cannot even begin to understand the
pain that our service members have endured, to say that we do, it can be disrespectful
and trigger a hostile attitude if you have not been in their shoes. Many have
come home with various levels of P.T.S.D. and will only seek help when they are
ready, and that too is something hard for us to comprehend. Below I have added
a link to anyone who feels that they may be suffering as a spouse, family member,
or a significant other since a veteran has returned home from war.
As angry as I am to see what our soldiers are going through, especially years after there time in service, I also feel a sense of honor to know that I had the privilege to be a part of the Seabees, even though I never served on the front lines, you are all my family. Even more important, because of my choice to sign the line for Uncle Sam, I found the man that I love more than life itself and the children that we have created together. I am grateful that even though you are still reminded of your time at war, you are the most loving, caring and responsible person I know. I thank god everyday, that he realized he had enough angels and brought you home so that we could find one another.
Thank you for listening to my story today. I know that this is more of a somber note, but it is all part of my life lessons. So until tomorrow - Have a wonderful day and I'll blog you later.
