"The Gulf War Within"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYhsj1EZHNs  Today's song: Lost Souls by Bruce Hornsby and the Range.

M

onday morning on this second day in July started as it has every day for the past year, with the exception of one major detail, I chose to go back to bed, which is something that I know I shouldn’t do.  A tightness and slight ache just over my left ear, has me thinking that four tablets of Motrin and more sleep will heal this soon to be migraine.  I see my husband to his truck and then wave good-bye after he kisses me gently and drives off to work. I miss him already and the day hasn’t even officially started. I feel the same closeness as we had when we first met as we slowly learn that we both suffer from things within our military past, which we cannot change, but must learn to cope with.

I am relaxed while on his side of our bed, with his fan he has left on, that sits on a chair next to his side, blowing gently and his sent remains around me on his pillow. I fall asleep easily to whatever channel I have on the television, and the words he spoke to me over the weekend – he is still in love with me, playing over and over in my mind. A part of me has finally found inner peace.

As I dream, I harshly wake to the sounds of yelling and loud music – it is the movie Jarhead. I have never seen this, and had only read small segments out of the book from which the true story movie is told. When I first opened the book, I could not connect as I could not understand this soldiers pain - not until now. I know the feelings portrayed in the movie and now I can suddenly relate, but why? I heard about the war from members of my husband’s military unit and it is duplicated exactly from the words that I chose to read in the book, but now something is wrong in my mind and in my heart. A fear of true understanding overwhelms me, but I keep watching as each event in the movie unfolds, and it is reminding me of very brief statements by my husband that stems from his life from a blocked timeline that is slowly revealing itself about his experiences in the Desert Shield/Desert Storm war. I guess I can say that I was clueless as to the magnitude of what our men went through over there. I see people talk about it, who were never there, with the attitude of, if I don't learn about it - it never happened. BUT IT DID! Because of it, our soldiers of war will forever deal with an altered life caused by the fear of what they have gone through.  

Right now I feel I have gone to college class and have learned that I finally passed after failing it over and over again.  The words that my husband talks about, darkness during the day as oil rains upon his unit, the countless charred remains of what was once a human life and the sounds of artillery shells exploding in the distance. He too has a book within himself that refuses to offer the chapters to help those around him, understand. He has blocked events in his mind that find their way back into his daily thoughts, that he'd rather have stayed locked away. He stands on the edge of the sand at any beach, and sees the desert and would rather not touch it. I saw a man that didn’t want to go away for the weekend. He smells the hot oil in a newly paved road, and he sees the desert and wants to get far away from it.  I saw a man that is frustrated that traffic is backed up and is growing impatient. While standing in a large crow with unexpected noise and chaos, he sees the desert and wants to go home and isolate himself away from all of it. I saw a man that was looking for an excuse not to go shopping He goes to work and operates equipment and drives truck – he sees the desert and is exhausted by the constant memories.  I saw a husband/father who was depressed and needed help, but didn't understand why. 

I found myself crying for my husband as I am fixed on the story that is playing out in front of me on TV so early in the morning. It is this moment that the light comes on and I realize there is so much more to my love of a lifetime, physically he is home, but the desert has claimed him as its prisoner of war and refuses to let him free. I sit here now only an hour after watching this movie, and our life together slowly becomes an instant slide show of memories that offer answers to many moments of frustration and concern, without any explanation then, to help me understand.  After twenty years of marriage and a tightness in my throat as I desperately fight to hide my sorrow from my children – I finally understand the words that he would say to me over and over when I endlessly keep ask him what was wrong, causing his anger towards me to grow.  He just couldn't say it enough "his problems were not about me."  for me I could only keep wondering in my clueless mind, "WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!?" All this time, I believed I was the sources of his negative feelings, only to learn three months ago – The desert is his pain.

My words of wisdom are to the friends and family members of our Military war veterans. We cannot even begin to understand the pain that our service members have endured, to say that we do, it can be disrespectful and trigger a hostile attitude if you have not been in their shoes. Many have come home with various levels of P.T.S.D. and will only seek help when they are ready, and that too is something hard for us to comprehend. Below I have added a link to anyone who feels that they may be suffering as a spouse, family member, or a significant other since a veteran has returned home from war.

http://www.familyofavet.com/coping_skills_PTSD_spouse.html

As angry as I am to see what our soldiers are going through, especially years after there time in service, I also feel a sense of  honor to know that I had the privilege to be a part of the Seabees, even though I never served on the front lines, you are all my family. Even more important, because of my choice to sign the line for Uncle Sam, I found the man that I love more than life itself and the children that we have created together. I am grateful that even though you are still reminded of your time at war, you are the most loving, caring and responsible person I know. I thank god everyday, that he realized he had enough angels and brought you home so that we could find one another.

Thank you for listening to my story today. I know that this is more of a somber note, but it is all part of my life lessons. So until tomorrow - Have a wonderful day and I'll blog you later.

Kindness at Christmas.

With the unexpected snow during our trip to Colorado, and the spectacular display of Christmas lights that adorned the trees of Main Street in Estes Park, I caught hold of that Christmassy time of spirit.  We walked the streets and went into every shop looking for that perfect holiday find. The stores were filled with a heavy sent of cinnamon and cedar and just the right amount of pine garland wrapped in colorful lights in their windows. It mesmerized me and with all the resistance in the world I couldn't overcome being caught in the shock and awe of it all. I was drawn in like a big mouthed bass on an experienced fisherman's line - hook, line and sinker. We were all on a mission to find the perfect gifts for friends and family when low and behold we found the perfect place.

I have to say this one store helped us do just that, The shop was called MOOSELY T's, and it was right on the main street of town.  Awesome store! And awesome owner! She had a way of making you feel as if you had known her all your life and she wasn't afraid of sharing her life with you. She wore a red Santa hat, sweatshirt, shorts and boots. I knew she'd lived there awhile as she was used to the cold weather of November to be able to wear shorts. She had a sparkle in her eye and smiled a genuine smile with every word she spoke. I can't tell you how many times I have gone into stores these days, and that customer service just isn't there, but at MOOSELY's - It's there and then some. We immediately felt at home. We had found so many unique things in her store, that most of our shopping was done there during our stay.  OK we also hit the Taffy Shop where my husband used to go when he was a kid; he suffers from an extreme disorder called O.A.S.T. - Over Active Sweet Tooth. (Smile).

Several times we'd remember someone else on our list that we wanted to get something special for, and we'd go back over and over again to both shops until we were satisfied. Needless to say, we assault our credit cards quite heavenly in these stores, with the exception of Cabela's in Sidney, Nebraska.  It's a great feeling when you can connect with people, even when they are strangers, especially at Christmas time. So if any of you happen to find yourselves in Estes Park, Colorado, be sure to stop at these two stores. You won't be disappointed.  To the owner of Moosely's, many thanks for the black n' white chocolate dipped oversized pretzel's. They were delicious.  Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

When good people do GREAT things.

I'm retired military, wow you say I look to young to be retired military? You are so kind, I'm flattered, I'm, I'm...I'm needing to get back to blogging today's reason that I am sending a shout out to gate guards and to Justin, in the ID office at the United States Naval Academy.  These three guys are the reason for my story that I am about to tell. They did a wonderful thing for me today, and for that gentlemen...I am truly grateful.

As I was starting to say, I am retired military (Seabee...OOO Rah!) and since my tango with Hodgkins disease in 1994, I am required to take 5 prescriptions a day, the newest being Metformin a.k.a. Glucophage. Yes, it is used for diabetic reasons and due to a secondary illness that was discovered in December of 2010.  I have learned over the years, that when a doctor prescribes any medications it is in my best interest to take them, as bad things have happened to me in the past, when I thought I knew best.

So now that I have given this tidbit of information, let set the stage for the events that transpired and how I almost began to panic. It was 6:30 this morning, I had been up for about an hour and got my husband and my son feed and off to work. My plan, hang out on the computer for a bit then get my youngest son up and ready for his summer camp program.  But instead I found myself standing in front of my dresser in my bedroom and was stricken with a rush of fear.  Not because I was trying to avoid my mirror, because there is nothing more horrific that my face looking back at me in the morning. I had realized that I had only one Metformin pill left, but the worst part was that I still had not found my military ID that has been missing since Monday of this week. Without that small piece of blue plastic with my name and rank on it, there is no base access and with base access...there is no prescription refills. Now my husband believes that my being a blonde has a lot to do with my excellent ability to loose things. My response to that - I'm a blonde because a Loreal hair coloring kit says I can be, (Yes, I'm smiling), and I don't loose things...I just miss place them temporarily - OK, most of the time. But when I do loose something, honey it's gone for good.

At this point in my morning, my first thought after my streak of fear...go online and make an appointment, which is what I did, but couldn't get one until August 1, at 13:30 (1:30 pm Civilian time). I got the appointment but then having a blonde moment, don't tell my husband, I realized that this still would not help me in getting my prescription refilled and I could not take my prescription anywhere off the base. On the appointment slip that I printed out, I saw instructions for getting onto the base if someone had lost there ID card.  I would have to obtain a day pass. Everyone out there that has tried to get on a military base and needed to get a day pass, knows what this process is. Lets just say it's mounds of red tape and stress. There are moody customer service representatives and heaven forbid you don't have two forms of proper ID that has your picture on it. Then you need proof of car insurance and registration information, contact phone numbers, next of kin, your under ware size, what foods you like, who's your favorite college football team...OK, OK, maybe not that extreme but you get my point.

I was not looking forward to two hours of this unwanted stress. Suddenly my brain kicked in full gear and a little voice said, "If you smile, they'll let you in", you know like the same voice from the movie Field of Dreams - "If you build it they will come". Hahah, Couldn't resist. So I got my make-up on so that I could be seen in public without fear of being arrest by Police for Horrific exposure. Yes, with out make-up, I can make Medusa look like Ms. Universe.  I found my military service release document, because it had my social security number, my drivers license and truck registration, oh and one more very important item...a copy of my newly published book "Through the Barracks Window: A Time of Waves". It has my picture on the cover, so there is another form of ID. *wink*. Ok, that was not the reason I took a book with me, I'm not that blonde, but I did have motive as to why I did bring one. My plan, if I could get on the base, then I would give the guy that would help me get my new ID, today instead of Monday, a free signed copy.
I also decided not to obtain a day pass and went right to the check-in gate. I had my registration and drivers license so the guards would know that my base stickers, that were current, were mine and this was my truck I was driving. I was thrilled when I gave both guards a smile and they gave me a smile and asked "Is that you?"  I have an advertisement decal on the drivers door of my truck to promote my book. Before I knew it, I was telling them my story and that I am trying to raise money for the "Wounded Warrior Foundation".  I enjoyed telling them it was about my military career, etc. etc, then I explained my dilemma and showed them the empty prescription bottle. To make a long story short, they let me in with the stipulation, I must bring them back a business card. Which I did as soon as I realized I had some in my purse of doom. Ah yes the purse of doom, I'm going to leave that story for another day.

It was nice to walk into the ID office and see that nobody was waiting.  It was as if the office had been opened for just little ole me. I threw the guys behind their desks the best smile I could and then I felt my worry face take over. I explained my situation, but then let them know...I came with a bribe and would use it if I needed to, so I could get my appointment today instead of Monday.
Justin, laughed and said, "we don't need a bribe, my nine o'clock appointment never showed up. You came in at the perfect time, are you a dependant?"
 I was so glad that I wasn't, I am the sponsor which makes the process of obtaining ID cards, lost or expired, easier. He took the information that I brought with me, and in less than seven minutes I had a freshly laminated ID card in my palm of my hand.  I don't think he'll ever know how thankful I was for his kindness and his willingness to process my card rather than have me wait until Monday.  I couldn't help it, my bribe was no longer that, it was now a gift and a thank you of kindness. I signed a book for him that said - "Justin, thank you for keeping me healthy and getting me a new ID card.  Most Sincerely, Stacey L. Bolin 7/27/2011

In our world today, it seems like some people are just to busy to take the time to help others. While others always seem so angry and negative all the time, that everything in the world is bad, that no good can be found. Now being that I nearly died from my illness in 1995, the world to me is where I'd rather be and that I do my best to stay positive, yes I fall off the wagon into negative ville, but I'm quick to jump back on the positive road and keep looking towards the future.  To quote the music group - Timbuk 3, "The futures So Bright I Gotta Wear Shades."  Thanks for reading my blog today and I hope that you keep this in mind. I am asking all of you, take the time, if someone does something nice for you - Pay It Forward, it just might change a life.