A Lost Soul - FOUND?
Part One
Written by: Stacey L. Bolin
Copyright 5/27/2016
The thought
of picking up everything and moving once again, without the assistance of the
military, has to be the most stressful processes in my life thus far. Most of my
stress lately has been due to a self-prescribed medication - FOOD, which now has
my ass looking like I've stolen two seeded watermelons and stuffed them in my
back pockets and my thighs have literally rubbed a hole in my jeans. So here I
am, two weeks from D-Day (going to the closing to sell our home), one would
think I'd be happy, excited, rejoicing that another crazy adventure awaits me.
Right now - my biggest worry is that the land fish out west won't taste like
the blue crabs do here in Annapolis, Maryland.
Clearly my priorities are like an end of the school year binder that is stuffed
full of papers, and gets knocked to the floor scattering everything everywhere
with no hopes of being put back in order for about six months - if ever.
Now, there
are times when I'm feeling low and even the best McDonalds McMuffin and hash brown combo
can't stop my brain from wanting to think about negative things in my head over
and over again such as i.e., - "How does one get excited for something
without having the information about where I'm going. I'm selling what I've
known for 22 years to move to an area without a home, without a job, without
placement, something to call our own. That the years of blood, sweat and tears,
will be enjoyed by another family living here, and my hopes to see my
grandchild walk through this door in the future will never be."
Now I know
I've keep you on hold...so let me go back to two weeks ago when I made
numerous, pivotal, and shocking discoveries about myself...You see something
happened on that 9 hour drive when I started thinking, and thinking meaning -
my pathetic self-induced pity party. As I trudged onward driving 95 north to
New Hampshire on May 9th, 2016, it was a bitter sweet ride. I was going to fly,
but my lost soul was in dire needed of a feeling that my heart couldn't find.
Immediately as my radio played songs of the 80's & 90's - that are now
considered classic music - I was teleported into a journey of nostalgia. My
eyes peered upon the flooding of memories in my mind of places my family and I
have seen and had been too. Still vivid in my thoughts - the expressions on the
faces of my sons seeing the buildings of New York City rise above the horizon
as we crossed the George Washington Bridge, the fun that we had while basking
on the beaches in the summer suns of the coastal waters of Maine, to the snowy
icy roads lined with homes decorated with color lights as we traveled on our
way to surprise my mother for Christmas.
So many
memories and great times were had during all the long drives years before. Most
of which were with my boys, from infants to grown men. Occasional we'd be
accompanied with my husband, but only if he didn't have to work. I could always
see the disappointment in the eyes of my boys when daddy stay behind, but I
wouldn't let it get them down and would do all I could to keep smiles upon
their faces while putting myself last. Funny how people have a way of putting
their selves last to ensure the happiness of others. I hold a master’s degree
in this - shhhhh don't tell anyone I admitted it. I never understood this concept while raising
my kids, why was I so unhappy? I always felt like I was on the back burner and
used to blame friends and family for this feeling – as if people intentionally
excluded me from their lives. Some did, but the lie I told myself was it was
everyone. As I continued to drive, I tried to understand the hurt in my heart,
what was it that I was searching for, what was really wrong and why did I feel
a sense of remorse - and then it hit me. As I drove slowly though the town of Hillsboro, NH where my military journey began, I decided to stop. There I said in amazement as if it were a dream. To
look at the home where my mother lived before I went into the Navy Seabees, began filling me with a strange but comforting
new found realization that I had nobody to blame but myself - I allowed my
beliefs of the past to take over my life. One by one the answers of why -
revealed themselves.
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| Mom's Apts. Top floor and bottom floor many years ago. |
As I sat looking at my mothers old apartment building I could see back into my life and how I had become frightened by the
horrors and triggers of a sexual assault in 1991 that made me feel dirty, unloved,
unwanted, that even my husband had never been told about, were slowly chipping
away the walls of a suppressed memory - thus causing endless fear and my want to run away, but not understanding why.
I remember my promise to God,
that if he gave me life after my cancer - I would do all I could to see to
other people's happiness no matter what I had to give up - including my own happiness.
How I felt I was no longer beautiful, especially when the doctors had to remove ample amounts of scar tissue caused by radiation therapy, from both breasts, that significantly reduced me to from a triple D to a comfortable C - pleasing me that I still got to keep something - but felt a sense of guilt that I had somehow let my husband down.
The icing on the cake of crazy beliefs that I created was iced in June 2012 when I finally remember the assault -
I punished myself repeatedly by believing that I was the reason a man had raped me, while at the same time was so confused by this thinking as I knew I had done nothing wrong, but convinced myself it was all my fault.
Day by day I allowed myself to slip into what I call the
"Hollow Bunny Syndrome" - You look solid on the outside, but its a huge disappointed when you take a bite and its dark and empty inside. Crazy hua? Sad is more like it. Yes there had
been times in years past that I had pondered suicide - there I said it. But the two faces of
miracles that doctors said I couldn't have - my sons - are what kept me alive
inside and out to this very day.
***
On the horizon as I reached for my - I tell myself it's diet Mountain Dew, An overwhelming epiphany was peaking as my travels were just about over. I crested a hill on I-93 at 3:45pm about 300 feet from my exit to route 106 Bristol/Meredith. I immediately needed to pull over. I felt shaky as I starred out over the mountainous tree covered landscape when light dawned on me - I was home. Consumed with emotion from what felt like I had just finished reading the book of a life time - I
dropped my head in my hands and I wept for so many defining moments that in years passed I fought away the tears to create the illusion that my structure was strong and unbreakable. An Oscar winning moment - to bad it was real and not just a movie.
I wept for the young little girl that I was and the people who have since passed away that were important in my life. For the woman I
couldn't be because I was so consumed with hate for letting myself believe I was at fault for being assaulted. For the woman who loves and is still in love with a man that promised to never hurt her, but at times - does and doesn't understand words destroy and broken hearts can only be mended so many times. For the woman I want to be and most importantly - for the lost soul within me that I needed to find. Yet I'm tormented with a life changing question that demands an answer - Will I find my lost soul in such a short amount of time in New Hampshire? I could only hope and pray as I had to be back in Maryland on
Friday of that same week for a doctor’s appointment.
I've seen many miracles - And one was preparing to stand before me - but would I be ready? To be continued...
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| Sleepytown Motor Cottages - Wells Beach, ME |
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| Meredith, NH |
