About a week
ago, while shopping with my younger son, I ran into a lady that I assisted
while working with our local police department about four years ago. I never thought that after all the years that
have passed I would recall my conversation with her at the station - very
vividly.
FOUR YEARS
AND TWO WEEKS AGO
She had come
into our station wearing a pair of khaki shorts, a white tank top and a pair of
flip-flops. She was only wearing mascara and a little sheer lipstick for
make-up. Her hair was clean and her finger and toe nails had that, I just came
from the salon look to them. She had not filed any report that she had been a
victim of a crime. She did not appear to be in any physical distress and she
didn't want to talk to an officer. She had simply asked if she could talk to
someone about a situation at home with her husband. I think I could safely
assume that the person working reception that day, immediately through of the
victims unit that I worked in when they called me down to talk to her.
She was
clear spoken, and I did what the officers would call the quick once over, as we
walking into our lounge area to talk privately. A once over is a quick look as
you are walking behind a person and as
they sit down to check for any signs of physical bruising on areas that are not
covered by clothing. Usually a victim never notices when a person does this as
there is usually other things on their mind. I however was not so cleaver in
being undetected, and merely took the opportunity to cover my ways by
commenting on her plum purple nail polish.
As we got to
speaking, she revealed why she had come to me. She wanted to know if we
conducted private investigations. Now I knew the answer was no, but she didn't
take a break to let me interject that we did not conduct investigations of this
sort. Ours, as far as I knew, were strictly crime related with a report that
had generated. Her reasons as to why she wanted a P.I., she believed her
husband was cheating.
So let me
ask you first - if a person made this statement to you, man or woman, what
would be your first response? Mine, I think was the most general answer out
there and I replied, "Are you sure of this?" Honestly, there wasn't
anything I could do from my professional stand point and I should have just
listen without any comment, but my personal emotions kept standing by, as much
as I wanted to push them aside. I felt for her as she went on to express how
she felt crazy with each time she would confront him, he would deny the
accusation and tell her she was over reacting, over thinking, and that he just
couldn't believe how could she think so little of him - he loved her and had no
desire to be with anyone else. If I only had a dollar for every time I've heard
that response by people I've met over the course of my life, and granted there
are people out there who do answer like this when questioned with infidelity -
and they are not cheating.
There was a
genuine sound to her voice that was mixed with a sense of sorrow and betrayal.
In her heart of hearts, and her womanly voice inside, she believed that what she
felt was so, even with his consistent answer of denial. Our conversation lasted
no more than twenty minutes and I never once revealed that for some reason, I
believed her.
TWO WEEKS
AGO
I remember
her face, her voice and her smile, as I tried desperately to recall her name,
when she went out of her way to get my attention that day as my son and I did
our shopping. "Boy do I have a lot to share with you" she said for
all to hear. My son looked at me as if I had lobsters crawling out of my ears.
My son has a fear that I will one day become trapped in our home. Why? He
believes that my passion to be a writer for the movies, my soon to be released
book "Deemed Crazy" and now my new job as a News Anchor and Reporter,
will put me into the eyes of a the paparazzi and that one day I'll never be
able to go out of the house without people wanting my autograph. Wow, if only I
could attain a lifestyle like, buy only for the money that went with it... I'd
certainly opt out of the paparazzi type of fame as with my luck, I'd find
myself on the cover of Star Magazine with a wild headline that reads -
"LOCAL MOTHER WAS ABDUCTED BY ALIENS or LOCAL MOTHER GROWS FULL MUSTACHE
OVER NIGHT AFTER SPA LIP WAXING." Ok, the second one is kind of true and
I'll share that story in a couple days.
Ok, I'm
going off track, let me stop and go back to my story. Anyways, this time, she
had a look of happiness, which was accompanied with a voice of anger and
determination. In some ways, I think I knew what she was about to reveal, but I
let her have this moment. My son just shook his head, he wanted to just leave
and get on with our day.
"Remember
when I said that I thought my husband was cheating on me and he kept calling me
crazy?" she said, with hopes that I would remember.
"Yes, I
remember" I replied.
"He has
a son with another woman and I just found out about it."
Ok, I wasn't
expecting that at all and that not only did she just find out, his side of the
family have known for years and never said a word. I felt that I was in the
midst of a soon to be LMN movie on True Life Thursdays. What had happened is
that just shortly after her and I spoke, both her husband and herself agreed to
separate to give them each some space and make it easier on their children that
they have together. Now, I will agree, they were thinking about the best
interest for the children. There was tension filled with ample arguing and
verbal fights, so a break is what they both agreed upon and she felt it was
working. Usually in the eyes of others and our legal system, this is considered
a separation that last for about six months before they got back together. A
SEPERATION DOES NOT MEAN YOUR MARRIAGE IS OVER!!!! IT MEANS IT IS AN
OPPORTUNITY TO STEP AWAY AND ASSESS WHAT A COUPLE DOES OR DOESN'T HAVE AS A
RELATIONSHIP FOR THE FUTURE. IT IS NOT A HALL PASS!!!!!!Unfortunately For this
couple, the husband took this as a freedom card and lived the life of a single
man that was faced with serious consequences. Now I know there are two sides to
every story and I don't know his. But for me, this is my old fashion side
shining through. Until a divorce decree is in hand that says that you are no
longer bound by marriage to one another, you are NOT A FREE BIRD!!! You are not
free to date, you are not free to sleep with others, you are not free to see
whomever you choose! If you think you have this right....STAY AWAY FROM ME as one of these days I'm gonna crush this soapbox I keep jumping on. This goes for a man or a women, so guys don't think I
am singling you out, this just happens to be one of those stories that result
in a married man that got a woman, other than his wife, pregnant and then tried
to live a duel life and got caught.
But this was
not the shocker of the story either. The shocker was when she was relieved that
she was so happy to learn she was not crazy, when he finally confessed to years
of infidelity, before their six month separation. That knowing her instincts
and gut feelings were right, gave her a new found sense of confidence that she
had never had. That she now has the ball in her court. She wants a divorce and
wants his lies out of her life. She has found her inner strength not to fear
having to be independent and that her kids want to be with her. She now has
found her voice and speaks up for herself. I will admit, that I will never
forget her smile when she made a final statement before we left the store
"Now that I know how to be a bitch, my husband is super sweet and tells
me he wants me, and all that jazz, but for me - I'm living my life for myself
and for my children and will never question my inner voice again."
WORDS OF WISDOM
So my words
of wisdom for the day – Choose to live an honest life. Living a lie only hurts you
and the ones you love in the end. Have the courage to admit when you have done
wrong. Never live a life that you believe that asking for forgiveness is easier
than asking for permission – this could lead to very serious consequences.
Learn to listen to the needs of your partner and what problems they may be
facing. Everyone wants validation that they are being heard. A new found bond
of love and trust will enrich your relationship with your partner if he/she knows
you’re listening to them, that you will not place judgment upon them, and can
feel compassion and understanding embraced by love. The outcome, they find
safety to confide in the one person that truly matters to them - YOU. The last
thing you want is to push them into the arms/life of some other person waiting
on the sidelines for the opportunity to replace you. And believe you-me, those
people are out there like crime, just waiting for the perfect opportunity to
take something for themselves without any regards in how it will make you feel.
So many fall victim to the belief that marriage is easy and realize very quickly it is all but easy. It is like a dance that incorporates a balance of give and take, it takes commitment, work, love, trust,
dedication and so much more that would be a blog all on its own. Know what your vows mean and live by them as they
are the frame work in building a long love filled life with that special
someone. And the biggest, never pretend to be something you are not. Be the couple you are, not what others want you to be.
Have a great day everyone - Blog you later. :)
