I Was Lost but Now I'm Found

 

I Was Lost but Now I'm Found

By: Stacey L. Bolin

Hello again, to all my follow readers and new readers just joining us. First off, I must extend my sincerest apologies for my inability to keep up with my writing over the past three months, but as I walk around my home, I have been completely lost for words. I have been dealing with the sounds of the past in my head of the pitter patter of little feet and innocent voices asking me for a drink of water, to play, or take the peanut butter and jelly sandwich out of the VCR. I'm breathless as my heart longs for those days that now only live through pictures and memories. My ability to fight the tears that find me daily - has become a losing battle, yet somewhere inside me I know that crying and reliving the past is not going to change anything – and that ol' clock of time will keep ticking whether my watch has a battery or not. It was today, as the morning sun shone brightly through my office window while I sat in front of my computer, that I realized that when my days around my home were quiet and lonely - it was my ability to compose words into stories that brought me great joy in the time alone until my family came home at the end of the day. And so, I’ve decided to do what I do best when I need to touch my life with the comforts of words – write.

 

I'd like to think I am a strong person, bounce back kind of woman that can hold in and hide what hurts me - deep within to conceal it from the rest of the world. I'm wrong to think that as I transition into another life change that I'm not dealing with as best as I thought I could. When we think of change, we think of moving, seasons, new jobs, health and so much more. My change is my life as a mother and watching my babies that are testing out their new wings and the future that is rolling out before them. It hurts my heart and it rattles my soul as I wonder silently in my mind, “Where did the time go?” I miss my babies; I miss their sweet smell, their first steps, their first tooth, and their first birthdays - their little hands in mine as they grew through the years. For some reason I never allowed myself to see past my denial that they would grow up and one day be out on their own - once again that naïve side of me strikes again.

 

It all started with the graduation of my first born in 2013 and then both of my sons getting their license that very same year. I knew it then, this life was only going to get harder as my needs continue to grow for constant reassurance, I'd be ok and that they’d be ok. I know that emotionally I will get through the endless notion - my babies will one day move out into this great big world and that they will need me in different ways. But for now, I fear the days of an empty nest and trying to find my purpose as sporadic thoughts rush in and out of my mind, some of which make no sense to me and show up at the strangest time. Taking the trash out, I’m suddenly wondering - Will my husband still love this woman that is growing old as we watch the children we created - spread their wings and fly? While doing laundry I find myself always thinking - Will I figure out how to make meals for two and not have an abundant amount of left overs? Will my children call me to tell me about their day? Ok, I'm being ridiculous I don't worry about those things all the time yet it feels like it, but the one thing that waves hello to my thoughts daily and I have no idea why – the idea of being abandoned and not wanted, but I also believe this is the trickery that the brain can play and what it really boils down to is my own insecurities and - Will I still be needed.

 

I've had so many ladies share with me that they had felt the same way when their children had one foot out the door. That they had been so used to making most of  the decisions, day in and day out. Then while providing for the families in their homes for so long, that when their kids were on their own and the house was quite until their husbands came home, they forgot who they were and how to just be in the now and move forward. They also shared that they found ways to find themselves that extended beyond employment – they explored a hobby, a passion, joined an art class, something that would be just for them. Immediately I knew what I had to do. So as I battled the realization that this nest would soon be empty, I began to work tediously compiling my written works – which is not easy when it comes time to submit materials to a publisher. As you may had seen, on my blog, a few weeks past about a book of short stories that I wrote entitled “Twisted” – well I just learned that it will be out on Amazon in May of this year. My hopes – agents out there see that I harbor multiple talents and that my new found time in my days brings me opportunities that will benefit the movie makers of today and in the future and also benefits my family as we step into each tomorrow that life grants us.

The memories of my days as a stay at home mother will always be cherish, as I feel the empowerment of knowing I was told that would I never be able to have children – and I had two, and the doctors that said that my cancer would never be cured – here I am 20 years later. And the greatest feeling is that one day my husband and I will hear the sounds of the past living in the future through our grandchildren and the pitter patter of their little feet and their innocent voices asking us for a drink of water, to play, but as for the peanut butter and jelly sandwich in a VCR – hum, guess I’ll have to wait and see on that one. Maybe we’ll keep our VCR for just that one special occasion. And on that note, it’s time I get back to my newest in novels that I am composing, but I see my days as a writer on my blog being just what the doctor ordered and to get started immediately.  (BIG SMILE)

Happy Thursday Everyone and if I haven’t said it in a while – thanks for supporting me by reading my blog and buying my books – means the world to me.

 

Today's music choice to me is not seen as an association to any one religion or death, I see this as life ever changing and the power that music can have to inspire new great thought and ideas.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-GD-5mRyaJw   - Andre Rieu - Amazing Grace