"The Experiment" Part II

I do apologize for the delay in my story continuation. I had surgery last Thursday, and happy to report the days of pain and medications that numb the brain and has had me sleeping most of my days away has pretty much come to an end. WAA WHOO! I have the music cranked up and I have found my words that have me writing once again, and so without further delay - let the story continue.

"The Experiment" Part II

By Stacey L. Bolin

You would have thought that Bill was about to audition for some great police drama or better yet, Hollywood wanted him to be their next, off the charts, reality personality. The hours to Friday night would not tick by fast enough to accommodate his growing excitement. All week long he plotted and planned as he gathered his best uncover garb and attained a look that would render him unidentifiable. Now he was only hours away. He decided to take on the best  - I’m a tourist look - from the Mandel's on his feet, that he wore with socks, to going as far as having his sexy salt and pepper colored hair cut and dyed in some crazy I colored it myself brown.

“So what do you think?” Bill exclaimed as he came from around the corner into the kitchen where his wife and daughters were closing out another day working on organizing new recipes into their cookbook notebook that they wanted to have published one day.

The room instantly filled with the type of laughter that would have a person rolling on the floor holding their stomach as their eyes filled with uncontrollable tears.  

“Bill…what…” Lori tried to get the words out but the laughter had consumed her.

“What? What’s wrong with my look?” Said Bill, very serious about what he had done and rather proud of it too.

“Dad, please tell me this is an idea for Halloween or your applying for a new job with the Circus?” Carmen interjected and intensified the laughter in the room.

“No. I’m going undercover with your mother to see how your friends behave when they are working.”

"You're what!" Both girls shouted out simultaneously.

An immediate silence strangled the laughter of the room as Lori felt the intensity of glaring eyes, from her daughters, upon her back.

“Mom? Please tell me my friends will not see this! I will be a laughing stock of the whole school!” Nancy cried out in horror.

Lori still wanting to laugh, replied in her best serious mother tone, “Maybe he’ll wear a hat. It’s really not that bad.”

“Nobody will recognize me, I’m sure of that.” Bill replied with a smile and then sauntered off to the garage to locate an old AC/DC rock shirt that he had stowed away with the rest of his single life.

“Girls, your dad had an idea the other night and he is really excited about it. I know it seems a bit extreme, but I’m sure he means well and is not doing this just to embarrass the both of you. He just needs to validate some feelings he is struggling with.”

“Can’t he struggle in private Mom?” replied Nancy.

“Yeah, I mean really mom he looks like some crazy person, they’ll never let him in the doors to any place.” Carmen remarked, with the predictable roll of her eyes when she disliked a topic of conversation.

“Then Carmen, I guess you’ll have nothing to worry about, do you.” Lori snapped back as she was becoming very agitated by Carmen’s once again negative attitude, and understood why Bill was so set on getting answers to his experiment.

“Whatever!” Carmen shouted and went to her room.

“There she goes again,” said Nancy as she turned to her mom, “So when is this experiment supposed to happen?”

“Friday Night.”

“You mean Friday night as in tomorrow night?”

“Wow, tomorrow is Friday already?” she thought to herself and then sighed, “To answer your question Nancy…yes tomorrow night.”

“Good luck mom…you’re going to need it.”

 ***

That night as Bill and Lori lay side by side in their bed; Lori couldn’t help but hear her daughters concerns running through her mind, while at the same time, she tried to find the right words to ask her husband what the real reason was behind his experiment. She wondered if he was experiencing the beginnings of some sort of middle life crisis and was feeling that maybe he had not done everything he had sought out too one time or another in his life.

“You still awake?” bill asked in a soft spoken voice.

“Yes, are you?”

He laughed, “Yep. Can’t sleep.”

“Why not?”

“I heard what the girls said about me when I left the room.”

“A bit harsh, hua?”

“I guess, but I was a bit shocking with my attire.”

“More like the new hair style. Maybe you should have shared your idea with them first to give them time to accept what it is your trying to accomplish.” She stopped for a moment, and then proceeded to ask, “Bill, why are you really doing this?”

He lay there silent staring up at the ceiling. He wanted to tell her everything he was dealing with, but just couldn't find the words that made him feel he was safe to share his true feelings, for fear of being looked at with different eyes and honestly he really wasn't the type to really open up. At a very young and impressionable age, his father began to instill a set of guidelines to becoming a man. He believed his job was to provide for his family, and do all the manly things his dad taught him, but the one thing that his dad did teach him and was wrong – never let a woman see you cry and never tell her what you’re feeling as she will never see you as a real man once you do. It was this statement that had stayed permanently imprinted  like a tattoo in his thoughts and steering his life, and his choices,  since he was a young man at the age of ten.

“Come on hon, it’s just you and I now. Something has its grips on you and I’d like to help if I can.”

“I know you would. It’s really nothing, it’s like I said before, and I just want to know how the other kids in the world are doing in the work force.” He replied followed by a yawn.

“Bill, I’m feeling there is much more to this, and if I am wrong, then I apologize now for thinking anything more, but if there is more, always know that you can talk to me and if you still decided tomorrow that you want to follow through with your experiment I support you 100%,” and with that, she sat up, leaned over and gave him a soft kiss on his lips and then snuggled down beside him.

"You think the girls were shocked tonight they haven't see anything yet, wait until they see what my experiment reveals. I've decided to have you do the video footage - this house is really going to light up." he grinned and then turned his head towards his wife and said in a serious tone of voice, "I love you Lori.”

“I love you more.”

“Not a chance.” He said before they both drifted off to sleep.

To be continued.....
Join me tomorrow for the conclusion of Bill and Lori's crazy adventure and their shocking discovery. Until then - Blog ya later. 

Is It Breast Cancer "Part Two"

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Pze_mdbOK8

 

After speaking with the internal medicine nurse, it took her a few moments to realize that it would be another two days before she would know what lay ahead of her - maybe.  A new matter had been brought to her attention to add to her already distressed mind - she would need to correct an insurance problem.  This would be the deciding factor as to whether or not she would be able to go back to the clinic, that had been following her since 2008 and knew everything medically about her, or would she have to find a new health care provider.

She did her best to contact the insurance company, on her cell phone, as she worked through that Wednesday morning helping a local company deliver flowers for pre-Valentine’s Day, but found the ability to multi-task, while on the road, proved dangerous when she was lost in a community and nearly ran into the back of a parked car. As much as she just wanted to drive to the nearest emergency room for an answer, she had found the ability to convince herself that it was easier to stay calm and refrained from any spontaneous decisions until she got home that afternoon to rectify the insurance dilemma.

Immediately after her last delivery was made, she went straight home to contact Tri-care. From 2:30pm to 5:05pm it was a constant repeating of the problem as she was transferred from agent to agent, within the insurance company, all asking the same question, “Can I help you?” and all revealing the same answer, “Your online payments had not been set up correctly causing your coverage to lapse,” and there was nothing they could do to fix it. She found herself feeling a mounting sense of desperation as she spoke with a representative that refused to let her speak with a supervisor. Her words become uncontrolled as they left her mouth. She made it very clear that if her condition was indeed breast cancer and she couldn’t be treated by her doctor - because of a paperwork glitch - she was going to have someone’s ass for it and that she was not making anything threats - it was a promise. It didn’t matter how much strength she could try to muster up, her ability to remain composed was lost when she stood up and slammed the phone down on the table. She had been gripped with tremendous trepidation

“WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS!?” She screamed at the top of her lungs into the silence of the room as she abruptly sat back down. Her boys had been home that day and knew that she was very upset by the events that were unfolding. They never asked if she was ok as they knew she would regain her composure, if they left her alone - she would find a way to make things right. She got herself back together before making one last phone call that would be to a Tri-care supervisor who had the ability to make modifications to a policy depending on the type of situation.

Recalling the date and place when she had sat in an office of a Tri-care representative at the Naval Academy on the morning of Nov 2, 2012, she went on to explain that on that day she had sign the waiver to keep her primary care manager, in spite of the insurance company wanting her to have a shorter commute. During that meeting, she had also been talked into setting up auto payments to take the burden off her shoulders when it came to remembering payment dates and amounts, while being asked as she filled out the required paper work, about the best music for a bride to come down the aisle on her wedding day.   

As she continued to speak with a Tri-care supervisor on the phone, she was finally given a solution. That if the person she had filed the paper work with would provide either a copy of the payment request form or a notice of missing document letter, they would reinstated her to full coverage status. A sense of hope came over her briefly taking the anxiety of the unknown medical situation out of her conscious mind - temporarily.

With her financial situation already grim, recovering from this type of error would be a costly blow - the price would be a one year suspension and reduction of coverage. Meaning full payment out of pocket costs to another provider, because she was no longer in Prime status and had been reduced to basic coverage. She knew it was her fault for assuming that someone had done their job correctly and not following up to confirm her assumption.

She knew the representative in the office, that she went to in November, very well and knew that there was only one way to get to the bottom of the problem - go back to Naval Academy to get an answer, but that would have to wait until her lunch break the next day, as she still had to finish her second day of flower deliveries.  

Her night consisted of constant jumbling of thoughts that ranged from rage to fear and everything in-between.  The clock on her nightstand ticked away, one minute at a time, making the unknown feel like a nightmare and the bad guy was lurking to strike when she least expected it. The only solution was that she knew the representative at the Navy Academy would remember her and all would be resolved – If only it was that simple.

 

To be continued….

"The Gulf War Within"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYhsj1EZHNs  Today's song: Lost Souls by Bruce Hornsby and the Range.

M

onday morning on this second day in July started as it has every day for the past year, with the exception of one major detail, I chose to go back to bed, which is something that I know I shouldn’t do.  A tightness and slight ache just over my left ear, has me thinking that four tablets of Motrin and more sleep will heal this soon to be migraine.  I see my husband to his truck and then wave good-bye after he kisses me gently and drives off to work. I miss him already and the day hasn’t even officially started. I feel the same closeness as we had when we first met as we slowly learn that we both suffer from things within our military past, which we cannot change, but must learn to cope with.

I am relaxed while on his side of our bed, with his fan he has left on, that sits on a chair next to his side, blowing gently and his sent remains around me on his pillow. I fall asleep easily to whatever channel I have on the television, and the words he spoke to me over the weekend – he is still in love with me, playing over and over in my mind. A part of me has finally found inner peace.

As I dream, I harshly wake to the sounds of yelling and loud music – it is the movie Jarhead. I have never seen this, and had only read small segments out of the book from which the true story movie is told. When I first opened the book, I could not connect as I could not understand this soldiers pain - not until now. I know the feelings portrayed in the movie and now I can suddenly relate, but why? I heard about the war from members of my husband’s military unit and it is duplicated exactly from the words that I chose to read in the book, but now something is wrong in my mind and in my heart. A fear of true understanding overwhelms me, but I keep watching as each event in the movie unfolds, and it is reminding me of very brief statements by my husband that stems from his life from a blocked timeline that is slowly revealing itself about his experiences in the Desert Shield/Desert Storm war. I guess I can say that I was clueless as to the magnitude of what our men went through over there. I see people talk about it, who were never there, with the attitude of, if I don't learn about it - it never happened. BUT IT DID! Because of it, our soldiers of war will forever deal with an altered life caused by the fear of what they have gone through.  

Right now I feel I have gone to college class and have learned that I finally passed after failing it over and over again.  The words that my husband talks about, darkness during the day as oil rains upon his unit, the countless charred remains of what was once a human life and the sounds of artillery shells exploding in the distance. He too has a book within himself that refuses to offer the chapters to help those around him, understand. He has blocked events in his mind that find their way back into his daily thoughts, that he'd rather have stayed locked away. He stands on the edge of the sand at any beach, and sees the desert and would rather not touch it. I saw a man that didn’t want to go away for the weekend. He smells the hot oil in a newly paved road, and he sees the desert and wants to get far away from it.  I saw a man that is frustrated that traffic is backed up and is growing impatient. While standing in a large crow with unexpected noise and chaos, he sees the desert and wants to go home and isolate himself away from all of it. I saw a man that was looking for an excuse not to go shopping He goes to work and operates equipment and drives truck – he sees the desert and is exhausted by the constant memories.  I saw a husband/father who was depressed and needed help, but didn't understand why. 

I found myself crying for my husband as I am fixed on the story that is playing out in front of me on TV so early in the morning. It is this moment that the light comes on and I realize there is so much more to my love of a lifetime, physically he is home, but the desert has claimed him as its prisoner of war and refuses to let him free. I sit here now only an hour after watching this movie, and our life together slowly becomes an instant slide show of memories that offer answers to many moments of frustration and concern, without any explanation then, to help me understand.  After twenty years of marriage and a tightness in my throat as I desperately fight to hide my sorrow from my children – I finally understand the words that he would say to me over and over when I endlessly keep ask him what was wrong, causing his anger towards me to grow.  He just couldn't say it enough "his problems were not about me."  for me I could only keep wondering in my clueless mind, "WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!?" All this time, I believed I was the sources of his negative feelings, only to learn three months ago – The desert is his pain.

My words of wisdom are to the friends and family members of our Military war veterans. We cannot even begin to understand the pain that our service members have endured, to say that we do, it can be disrespectful and trigger a hostile attitude if you have not been in their shoes. Many have come home with various levels of P.T.S.D. and will only seek help when they are ready, and that too is something hard for us to comprehend. Below I have added a link to anyone who feels that they may be suffering as a spouse, family member, or a significant other since a veteran has returned home from war.

http://www.familyofavet.com/coping_skills_PTSD_spouse.html

As angry as I am to see what our soldiers are going through, especially years after there time in service, I also feel a sense of  honor to know that I had the privilege to be a part of the Seabees, even though I never served on the front lines, you are all my family. Even more important, because of my choice to sign the line for Uncle Sam, I found the man that I love more than life itself and the children that we have created together. I am grateful that even though you are still reminded of your time at war, you are the most loving, caring and responsible person I know. I thank god everyday, that he realized he had enough angels and brought you home so that we could find one another.

Thank you for listening to my story today. I know that this is more of a somber note, but it is all part of my life lessons. So until tomorrow - Have a wonderful day and I'll blog you later.

NUCLEAR ENERGY - Friend and Foe

t

here I was enjoying my thirty minutes of solitude by playing my daily 5 games of Bubble Witch on Facebook. House was quiet, husband and the boys were already out the door to begin another work/school day. I had gotten the laundry in the wash, the dishes in the dishwasher, our bed made, and all the trash out. Ok, so you get the gist, I had accomplished quite a bit in the course of two hours on a Tuesday morning. Now normally, I don't scroll anything past an hour on my Facebook wall, but yesterday my quick failure to get through the Bubble Witch game gave me a few minutes to see what everyone was posting and how another new week in the year 2012 was treating them. 

It was a post about a very serious situation in the world, (I have put the link below) that in all honestly, put a scare in me like none I've ever felt before. I read the title and told myself, if I don't read it, it's not true. How many of you have done that? You've seen or heard something, say for example a noise outside in your yard in the dark. I know that some would quickly get up to investigate; others would sink deeper in their chair or under the covers and tell themselves it's just the wind, it's nothing, and it will go away. Something about this article tells me that the problems they are facing with the Fukushima Reactor are not going to go away any time soon. I hope for the worlds sake, it doesn't get any worse, but at the same time it doesn’t appear that it will be getting any better in the near future either.

As I read this article, and mind you, I try to stay away from anything sad, upsetting or negative these days, but in all honesty this time I kept reading rather than tell myself the problem will go away. Deep down, I was worried. Over the course of the day I pondered what I had read.  Would it? Could it? Will it ever affect my friends and loved ones?  Look out heavenly father, my payers are and will continue to be going into over load.

Lately I have found that I love to share my stories that I have read or heard about, within my day, with my family at the dinner table, it makes for very interesting conversation. Yet somehow I held back on this to give myself time to find a way to talk about it as a way to educate my family, not fill them with a sense of fear. I personally have never been in a natural disaster, I've never been to war, (with the exception of battling a school due to their lack of implementing rules against bullying) and I have never been told that my family and I had to leave our home because of an invisible danger. However I have been exposed to radiation and nuclear treatments for cancer. With my treatments I found that just being exposed in minuet quantities, still made me feel very sick, tired, lethargic, and nauseated. I just can't image what the people that were living in the area, when the initial damage occurred, are dealing with now.  I pray that with our advanced technology and the ingenious minds of the people on our great planet, they will find a solution to end this and any posing fear of world devastation.

This article also makes me realize how precious life is and how sometimes it is so easy to take it for granted. As you read the attached article, each person will take a piece of it in their own way. For myself – I wish for a speedy solution and I thank God for each day that I wake and before me are my husband and my boys, my family, and my friends. Life is a blessing and I’m choosing to live each day as fully and as positive as I can without be phony. To quote Joe Dirt, “Life is a Garden – Dig it.”

 http://www.naturalnews.com/035789_Fukushima_Cesium-137_Plume-Gate.html