Friday had finally made its grand entrance into the Keebler
home. Everyone conducted their early morning routines as usually, but with just
a little less conversation at the breakfast table. The girls were still very upset with their
dad and the possible antics that he had planned for later that evening. They hoped
that maybe his work day would render him too exhausted for games and trickery,
which is what they felt this whole experiment of his was – games and trickery. But
to Bill, no matter how the girls were feeling about his plan, this was something
that until he ventured out and gathered this information, he would not be at
peace with himself.
The day turned out to be as smooth as a freshly paved road
and five o’clock came with quickness for the Keebler family. Bill was the first
one home and immediately retreated to the bedroom to begin the preparations for
his undercover secret squirrel assignment that would be set in motion at 8:00pm
that very night.
Lori and the girls arrived at home about an hour after Bill
and were greeted at the door by the sounds of Bill belting out a tune, which he
believed to be his best vocal accompaniment, to the music of Def Leopard. They
all stood in the doorway both daze and confused and honestly were not surprised
to see that the kitchen showed no signs of anything being started for dinner
and their dog buttons sat ever so quietly with his plastic dog dish in his
mouth. It was then and only then did
they all realize that Bill was indeed serious about his experiment and nothing
was going to get in his way.
A look of panic came over Carmen’s face as she dropped her
purse and began to run through the house like a crazed manic.
“Carmen! Slow Down! What is wrong with you?” said Nancy, with
a chuckle to her voice. She looked at herself as the calm one in all the
madness in the world.
“Don’t just stand there Nancy…Check every window in the house
as quick as you can?” Carmen ordered as she moved around like the Tasmanian devil
on a loony tunes cartoon.
Lori and Nancy just stood there in disbelief that on one
floor was a daughter spacing out with no valid explanation, while the man of
the house made it sound like he was hosting his very own rock concert in his
steam shower time machine upstairs.
“The only thing missing is the sound of a crowd cheering”
said Lori out loud to herself when suddenly the sounds of thousands of people
screaming and cheering filled the house as Bill was doing shout outs to thank
the crowd for coming. “I should have known he was listening to the live concert
version.”
“Mom…Don’t just stand there! Help me make sure all the
windows are closed…our neighbors can hear dad singing!” Carmen screamed.
“Good Luck mom…I told you…you going to need it tonight.” Nancy
smiled.
“I think you right little lady, come on let’s get this hungry
dog fed and some dinner on the table.”
“Should we tell dad we are home?”
With a huge grin, Lori replied, “Nope, but you could be a
good girl and stand outside in the hallway and record his performances on your
cell phone so that we have a great laugh when family flies in for the holidays.”
“YOU GOT IT!” exclaimed Nancy as she ran past Carmen who
still believed that there had to be a window open somewhere and that she’d be
the joke of the community for weeks on end if she couldn’t contain the
excessive noise her dad was making.
It was the smell of perfectly seasoned hamburgers and onions
grilling on the stove that was the alarm that triggered Bills brain with the
realization that his family was home.
“Oh Crap.” He thought as he turned the shower
off. “How long have they been home?”
“Bill, Girls, dinner is ready!” said Lori as her voice
carried through their home.
“Long enough,” he said to himself as he wiped the
condensation off the mirror to check out day two of his new hair color.
***
Lori and the girls were already at the table eating when Bill
finally made his appearance to join them for dinner.
“Hey dad, how was your day?” Said Nancy followed by a devilish
smirk.
“It was good.”
“Heard any great bands lately?” Carmen asked rather
sarcastically.
“Ok, so I was enjoying some time to myself, is it a crime to
still like 80’s hair band music?”
“Only if the police are called in for excessive noise and disturbing
the neighbors,” said Lori, as she looked down at her plate to hide that she
wanted to laugh.
Nancy couldn’t resist and jumped on the - make fun of dad’s
singing bandwagon. “Yeah dad, there were police helicopters and news media all
over the place, they thought that an animal was caught in a trap or something.”
“Hey, I’ll have you girls known that I was in the swing choir
in high school and we won second place in the music festival.”
“You had to win second place, there was only two schools that
showed up, yours was one of them.” Interjected Carmen.
“Ok, girls, let’s stop with the jokes now. Your dad has been
taking it like real trooper. Now let him eat his dinner before it gets cold.”
“How bout’ we stop if he stops this joke about going out to
observe the working skills of today’s youth. I fear he’ll go to a place where
my friends work and I’ll be picked on for the rest of my life!”
Carmen cried out in one of her overly drama flairs.
“Carmen, I can’t say it enough…please get your application in
and get into acting. Trust me when I say that you’ll be rich forever.” Replied Bill,
before taking another bite of his cheese burger.
“Well while you three discuss who is doing what and who isn’t,
meaning cleaning the table and putting the dishes away…I’m going upstairs to
get my private eye outfit on, can’t go looking like somebody’s mom now can I.”
Lori said in a witty tone of voice. “Oh and Bill when you’re ready to get our
N.C.I.S. mission underway, let me know and we’ll be out the door in two shakes
of a lamb’s tail.”
With part of his hamburger still in the process of being
chewed up in his mouth, Bill pushed it to the right side of his cheek with his tongue and
exclaimed, “Baby I’m ready! Get your poop in a group and let ‘s get this party
started!”
Turning a bit green Nancy found the ability to share her
feelings on her dad’s poor table manners, “Poop? Party? I think I’m going to be
sick.”
“Ok girls, you are in charge of the cleaning details and make
sure that one of you take the dog out before poop really hits the fan.”
“Ewww Dad that is so gross.” Both girls replied together in their best annoyed
voices.
As the clock struck 8pm, Lori was dressed, out the door and
waiting for Bill. He was usually the first one in the car bitching that the women of the house were was
always running late, especially Lori, and without fail he would always remark that she of all people would even be
late to her own funeral if he wasn’t there to always keep her ass moving. This
time the shoe was on the other foot.
As she began to grow inpatient, she glanced down at her watch
and noticed it was 8:09 and was startled when she looked up at saw Bill dressed
in a long trench coat, mirrored sun glasses and carrying one of his huge and heavy looking
old military olive drab green duty bags that he immediately threw into the trunk of the car before
getting into the driver’s seat.
She couldn’t help but laugh at the sight of her husband. “Oh my god..Bill
you look like a flasher.”
“It’s my undercover disguise…what do you think?”
“You can't wear that, your going to get us arrested in that get up.”
“You worry too much. Want to see what I don't have on under this coat, He said with a wink of an eye. "Just relax, the fun is just beginning…Ziva.”
Lori blushed, “Oh Tony, you always know the right things to
say to a girl.”
“So what kind of sweet nothings to you have to say to me?”
“Well, Seriously I’ve always wanted to say this one line, but there
was there has never been the right time or place until now, “ she paused then
continued while trying to keep a straight face, “What is the bag bitch?”
He was in awe that his wife had not only wanted to know what
was in his secret detective bag, but that she had called him a bitch.
“Come on, what’s in the bag?”
He grinned sheepishly and said, “The most important items any
great detective would have while conducting and undercover investigation.”
“Yeah, like what?”
“You know important
things like a Camera, cell phones, batteries, a fiber one bar, peanut M&M’s,
a soda and a bottle of water, tums, Tylenol and chap stick.”
All Lori could do at this point was to keep from laughing
herself to death as she found this crazy plan rather comical. She was also very
intrigued by this witty, imaginative side of her husband that she had never
seen before. To her it was actually fun and made her feel youthful again.
“Strap in Ziva. Our first stop - the fast food locations in
the mall.”
“Ok Tony, let’s roll.”
Due to my extra creative want to write this story, it has been lengthened and we all know what that means and can be described in three words - To be Continued…
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