"NOW THAT'S A LOADED QUESTION"

Dear Mr. M; I wish to thank you for begin a devoted reader of my blog. I do wish to apologize, as I know you had indicated in your email, that you had no qualms about having your identity revealed. However I must continue with my own set rules. I choose not to provide names outside of my immediate family. Reasons being, I must protect the innocent and the law says I have to protect the guilty too. Now, to really address your reason for your email on Saturday morning, I would first like to share with my readers the questions that you asked and why it has taken me, now six days, to find an acceptable way to answer. I guess I was looking for a way to make everyone happy, but unfortunately this is all about one’s opinion, and what I think, doesn’t make it the gospel. I will share the whys and what’s that make me feel the way I do, but that certainly doesn’t mean I am right, or maybe to some I am, but come on, clearly this topic being one that is highly controversial has people on the reserve and they have chosen not to use their voice at this time - completely understandable. So to all my readers, this was his statement followed by a couple of very loaded questions.

Greetings Petty Officer Bolin - I am married, now 24 years to my college sweetheart. We have two children and live on a modest income. After reading one of your past blogs I was hoping maybe you could answer some questions for me. I was also military and decided to get out in 2009. I too faced many challenges; however my biggest was the women and many times I did not want them there. I found them to be a distraction during my work day and when I went to Afghanistan. Aside from feeling that I should always be protecting them, temptation was always around me and they did not care I was married, but I never gave in to it. During your time in service how did you feel about the female members of your unit and do you feel that women belong in male dominated lines of work i.e.; military, heavy construction, police and fire departments.

See folks, I wasn’t kidding when I remarked his question was a loaded one.  Phew, so where in the world do I begin. Well Mr. M, as much as I wanted to, I just couldn’t provide an immediate answer to this one as I had to think my answer over, and pondered if I should upgrade my body armor.  (Smile) I even went as far as going outside the box to get other opinions. I will say, I was very surprise by many of the responses I got from men and woman willing to answer me honestly. So let me start with question one.  I loved the military and I still do, there I said it. Even with all the crap I was put through it was a time in my life that made me who I am today. I knew that I was going into a work force that was clearly – male dominated. I knew that I had to be a hard worker and that whining and bitching was frowned upon. I busted my ass in the Seabees and I worked hard to gain the respect of the men and I didn’t do it by sleep around. I did not wear make-up when I worked and I never used my shovel for leaning on. I will say that during my time in the military I knew many ladies, some worked with me, some didn’t. If I had to give a number on productivity, I would say if there were 100 women 46% were ass busters, they got their jobs done and kept up with the men.  32% Showed up, but stood back and let the men get the job done. Here is the shocker but knowing their track record, and guys talk just as much as girls do,(I’m not surprised). A solid 22% were there to hook up with men. Didn’t matter if they were married or not, it was about the sex. Unfortunately that made working on the job feel awkward for anyone, man or woman, when those ladies were working in the group. They made it very clear what they were up to. There was nothing subtle about it.

I know, you’re probably saying to yourself, “It took you six days to think of that simplistic answer?” Just hold on and let me explain myself, I am so not done yet. You know the old saying, good things happen to those who wait. Ok, well I’d say yesterday was my eye opener to offer you an honest answer. It was a good thing I saw this, but a bad thing that it happened.

Yesterday I took my 14 year old son to a barber shop that my husband and sons have gone to for about three years now. When they first started going, there were more male barbers than women. Personally I think men miss the days when the barber shop was all male oriented and I wish it would go back to it. Going to the barber was like their time to get away from the little woman, family and the nagging lawn that needed mowing. It was a place that they could vent, talk about babes and boobs, smoke a cigar and just be a man, even if it was for about an hour and was a room full of men you didn't know. It didn't matter. My husband always remarks that there is nothing better than just hanging with the guys, no women around, so you can speak freely and don’t have to watch what you say. Men and their sons would go on a Saturday morning to get their short cuts and feel free from the world of women.  For a while this is how this place felt, but now you will find mothers bring their small sons in and other children in tow. So it’s more like an all family place.

As my son was getting his hair cut, I couldn’t help but notice the odd behavior of the medium in height blonde with her thin build and black rimmed glasses. While she was cutting her clients hair, he was taking notice of the woman next to her, the woman cutting my sons hair. He was watching intently on how she took a scissor cut approach to his hair, yet making her feel as if all eyes were on her and she was bold and stated that to him by asking if he was checking her out. This immediately opened a Pandora’s jealousy box for the other woman that I got to witness first hand, and prayed my older son would not see what was going on.  Here we go - I’m jumping on my soapbox. Please understand, you have the right to disagree, but I think once you read what took place, you’ll understand how I will answer Mr. M’s, second question.  

At the end of the majority of men’s cuts, this location will use a straight razor to remove the fine hairs on the back of their necks and for military cuts, that requires the use of a cream to keep the skin from burning or hairs becoming ingrown. This process is hand applied and smoothed into the skin. THERE IS A DIFFERENCE FROM SMOOTHING IT IN AND WORKING IT IN. It’s a barber shop, not a massage parlor! Now watching the women cutting other men’s hair, and including my husband when he gets his hair cut there, a couple of them are known for their little longer than should be, razor cream applications. My husband knows how I feel, and he thinks it’s cool, but I am sure deep down, he wouldn’t be happy if my hair dresser pulled a “Zohan” (An Adam Sandler movie move) on me when I got my hair washed. But what I saw yesterday would be grounds for dismissal if I was the boss. Before we start firing people, let us stop and think about something rather important. All women know that most men love their neck and heads rubbed and what it does for them. Well the guy next to my son was really getting a workout that added the treatment of a full blown head rubbing; that was accompanied by her hanging all over him, resting her face against his and her tits pressed again his neck and upper back. WTF! But Mr. Dumbass just sat there like it was the beginning of a long awaited lap dance. Neither one of them paying any mind to the young men in the room. At one point I even went as far as telling the two of them to get a room, so my impressionable son and the other teenage boy awaiting his cut would not get the wrong idea of what services the barber shop was now offering. I can hear it now men of all ages telling other guys, “Guess what man. I got a haircut and a boner.” Now I knew the woman finishing up my son’s hair, and she knew I was fit to be tied and filled with pure undeniable disgust when the other gal removed the apron from her client that revealed a shine on his ring finger from a wedding band, that didn’t belong to her, and another unmentionable, that we’ll leave to your imagination and say he was very happy. Yes, I went down gutter road on this one. Normally I am the one who tends to take conversations down gutter road and I don't get offend very easy, but knowing my son was next to all of this, just sickened me and I was...I can't believe I am going to say this...I was highly offended. He claims he didn’t see a thing. I hope not.

When he stood up and took notice that I was glaring at the both of them, he became jittery and nervous. “That’s right pal…how do you know if I knew your wife or not?” I didn’t say anything to him, but I went on to remark to the lady who had cut my son’s hair “You not addressing her behavior will make all the women in here look bad if it continues. That what took place here is a down right disrespectful and unprofessional! Lord better help the person that pulls that crap on any of the men in my family; they'll get to know my other personality, that I’d rather keep under lock and key, with extreme quickness.” Now deciding that I needed to sleep on this even after I had endured the backlashing of males jokes when I spoke of this, and I even went as far as wondering if I was just being old fashioned, I still woke up this morning still angry with yesterday's event, and knew it was blog time baby.

My husband remarked, “Well how do you know if his wife isn’t doing the mail man and he was just getting back at her?” TWO WRONGS DON’T MAKE A RIGHT and then to let this situation unfold in a family place of business is unacceptable. I let my family know that I found it to be a great topic for today’s blog, they rolled their eyes and then we went on to better conversation. In my head today, I am still angry. I know the owner would be very upset and I still ponder whether to bring it up to him. What I also know is that my two boys will now be accompanied or we will try the new place, that just open across the parking lot from them, and that sucks because I love to look around in Michaels Craft store when they are at the barber. As for my husband, he is a grown man and I can’t control what he does, but secretly, I am glad to hear that he has been going to the owner’s son for haircuts these days and honestly, that guy makes my husband look younger and younger with each cut. I think it is the style. He comes home looking HOT, HOT, HOT.

Mr. M, with your statement about not liking that you had to work with women and why, had me pondering a thought in my mind that also reflected the difference between the working world years ago vs. today. I was certain that in the 50’s, 60’s and 70’s, infidelity rates were lower, but without knowing I had to ask men what they thought.  Sorry guys, not as many of you were as willing to answer me. I know you were probably thinking that I was up to something sneaky. This morning I got 11 men to answer me on Mr. M’s, questions and they told me about the differences between their lives and their fathers. What they remarked on was that years ago men worked in industries where there were very few women working and they felt there was less temptation. One answer really got my attention when a guy offered his remarks while I was on the Navy base. His response was, “Yes, ok, years ago you’d find them, meaning women, in the office positions, accountings, but nothing really major, like the military, etc., you know your mainly male dominated work forces. Things were different for my father, but for me, I felt that every time I turned around, a woman would be in your face. At first it’s cool, but after a bit, it gets old. Now it’s like men and women are competing who is better, stronger, and faster. Maybe this is the reason why men feel they don’t get space, a.k.a. man time only, to themselves like they used to, because even when they go to work, they could still be dealing with a woman who is bitching about something – don’t get me wrong ladies – men bitch too!” He laughed.  “But can you see what I’m trying to say?” I assured the man who confided in me, that I took no offense and understood what he and the other men I had spoken too were trying to explain to me. One guy even went as far as stating that there are men out there with the thinking now, “if my girl wants to be the bread winner, then by all means do it, why should I bother trying. I’ve even seen guys that clearly have no pride in their home, how their lawns look and how grand a family they have created. They feel inadequate and have lost their sense of pride to bring home the money that they worked hard for all week, because their wife or girlfriend gets paid more. They just don’t have the want to care. I care, and I’d love to have a wife who loves me and all that jazz, but so far I’m still living on singles lane.”

I didn’t criticize their answers, if anything I was proud to know they were willing to offer more detail that I had ever expected. It was also an eye opener and helped me not only understand my husband, but my two teenage boys and who they are as human beings.

Now you want to hear something even more shocking then men answering my questioning? I spoke with 25 women and asked them how they felt about the American family of yesteryear vs. the American Family of today. This is what 17 of the 25 agree too and then offered their reasoning behind why they felt this way – The down fall of the American family is when mom went to work. Mom took on the roll as superwoman and found that something always takes a back burner as they are realizing that they just can’t do it all. They bust their ass, but their finding more and more, family is first. I really related to this. So Mr. M, here is my answer to your second question. Honestly (Women Libbers stand down!) I miss the days when moms were home. My mom was a stay at home mother for many years. She saw us onto the bus each morning and she was their when we walked through the door at the end of the day. The house was always looking its best, even when we kids would destroy it the night before. Our meals were always plentiful and we never went to bed cold, dirty or hungry no matter how much or how little money we had. There was a calming feeling to know that when you walk through the door someone was home. There was life there. Now-a-days, both the parents are working. Some children don’t know what it is like to get up, eat breakfast and seeing your mom waving good-bye to you and hopes, in her mind, that you have a great day as she stand in the door way with a smile when your bus goes by. Other children and young adults are coming home to an empty house that feels cold and lonely until one or the other parent comes home. Some kids are actually the ones that are preparing dinners and doing the house work while their parents are out. For those out there who say that a stay at home mother’s job is easy…come put my shoes on for a month! Then we’ll talk easy.

 I know from personal experience when I went to work full time from 2005 to 2010. Yes I was bringing in good money, I was great at my job and with each anniversary year, I got the raises, but my job as a mother, wife and homemaker, faulted. It may have looked like I was pulling off the supermom roll, but seriously…I was failing big time that almost cost me my family and my marriage.  I was just as tired as my husband when he got home. I was nagging constantly that we all live in this house; we should all keep it clean. (Which I believe most women feel) It got to the point that I didn’t want to make dinner so we ate out a lot. We began to spend more, because we made more and the worst part, my kids would come home to an empty house that made them feel bitter and alone. I feel I have been given a second chance to bring a part of Americana back. I’m proud to know that I am a stay at home mother and housewife. I do this job and I am learning to do it just as well as any job. My payment and bonuses are – A happy family, a husband that loves me, kids that want my help, a nice home, clean laundry every day, bills are paid, the cat is fed and the best part…they always comment – There is nothing like my mom’s cooking.  So Mr. M, do I think women belong in male dominated jobs? With what I was subjected to during my son’s hair cut and knowing that the barber industry used to be just for men, but yesterday had the makings of sluts-are-us, and then hearing men complain how aggressive women as these days in the job market and what life was like to have my mother there when I came home. Even the smells of clean clothes and some times, warm toll house cookies - my mind sees things differently. Yes twenty two years ago, I would have said, sure we are just as good as men, but now, honestly. If this is what my husband is dealing with every day with the opposite sex on the job and the boundaries of sexual harassment continuing to be broken, then my answer is NO.  Sex has clearly made its mark on people, television, computers, the work place, and so many out there do not understand the word – NO! But if people don’t start enforcing their personal boundaries, someday things could end up in a world that would apear to one huge orgy, (OMG, could you imagine that? Eewwww) The fall out of that would mean that what was once a special bond between loving couples will become completely meaningless, loveless and of no value.

This really saddens me, as the majority of my answer comes from the behaviors of a few bad apples that spoil it for the women out there that are great workers, moms, wives who are there to provide for their families, who love unconditionally and take pride in who they are, not sleep their way through life or constantly see how many men they can tempt to cross over to the dark side. Now, I’m sure I have ladies up in arms right now screaming, “What about the men! They make it difficult for us! They hit on us just as much!” I agree with you there too, as I have had my fill of being hit on in the work force too. But I was asked a question as to what I felt and I explained the reasons behind why I feel this way. Could my choice harbor insecurities, I’d be a fool and a liar if I said it nothing to do with it. My other reasoning why I say NO, and the biggest reason, is what I said about how much I appreciated my mother and her choice to be a stay at home parent. Being a child from years ago compared to the way our children live now is so extreme.  My kids still can’t believe that we only had three television channels, no computers and no video games. So imagine coming home to an empty house and you had to find a way to entertain yourself. There were no electronic babysitters in my day. It’s also sad because a parent can’t always be available to their child because of long work hours and some bosses lacking the compassion to understand that we want to be with our kids, but our job won't let us and our budget says that unless you win the lotto, this is the only choice for now. It’s human nature. to want to be with our child, make sure they are safe, happy, warm, sheltered from the elements.  I understand with the economy, that the only way of survival is to have two in the work force and the sacrifice is that not everyone can afford after school care and results in a choice to let kids be home alone. Yet what is worse, even with the two parents struggling to make ends meet, at the end of the month, and overtime - if any - they are still in the red.

So I hope my blog today however controversial, you can understand that my outlook is not to make you think differently and that my mind may not be as open as yours. I’m human, and I love people. I give people the benefit that they are good, but if you do my family harm, I am like Santa Claus and you’ll be placed on the naughty list for quite a lengthy amount of time. I am not as introverted as I used to be and with each day I make it a point to say hello to someone. I never walk with my head down in shame for not being out in the work force, as I know that what I do for my family will help them in their life journeys. I hope that what mistakes by others, as well as my own, they will learn from. Mine especially as I have pages of them. That I am a mother, a wife, a friend, that maybe someday might made a difference in a life because I dare now be honest.  I won’t debate with you as to why you should take what I say as the gospel, and who knows something else could take a turn in our world and I could change my mind again. “It’s a woman’s prerogative to change her mind.” Mr. M, I do hope that I have answered your questions and again, thank you so much for following my blogs and dared to question, as the dumbest question is the one not asked. Have a great day everyone – Blog you later.

Below are a couple things I found while doing some reasearch. I really found the link below, very informative and supported what I was talking about - the art of the all male barber shops.

http://artofmanliness.com/2008/05/20/rediscovering-the-barbershop/