"BAD TO THE BONE"

"A SMELL THAT WOULD GAG A MAGGOT"

Have you ever been plagued by a stench that was so rancid, that every time you walked into a particular room you felt nauseous? Now I’m not saying it has to be in your home, it can be anywhere…how about a woman’s public restroom at the beach on a humid day in the summer heat, or a pair of men’s wet over worked work boots that harbor the smell of fermented feet?  Well this gargantuan mystery smell that was consuming and taking over my fresh clean Pine Sol kitchen scent was getting old real fast and I knew that it was either the smell or me. Ok, don’t tell anyone, but yes I caught myself on numerous occasions hoping that the smell wasn’t from me.   

For the past three weeks this mystery smell was lurking somewhere in our kitchen, but was finding its way into our dining room and down the hallway. It wasn’t close enough to the bathroom, or I would have told friends and guest who stopped in, that it was the aftermath of something one of my kids or husband had eaten. Well, what do you want me to say…we don’t have a dog to blame it on. Now I love a great mystery and better yet…I like to solve them with quickness. I put together my plan of attack to conquer this smelly enemy to regain control over our castle.  Slowly, so that I don't overlook anything, I been removing and then replacing every item in our kitchen. I had even gone as far as pulling the dishwasher and the refrigerator out to make sure that we didn't have any water leak from the hoses or copper tubing.  How discouraging it was to discover that all was dry. So then what in the blazes was it coming from? I said over and over as I tried to find a reasonable solution to our problem.

 All that came to my mind was someone must have had spilt something and didn't clean it up completely. But there was no evidence that such a thing had happened. With each day that I attempted my many cleaning maneuvers, the room would smell clean and fresh.  The problem was I must have been getting used to it because as soon as you walked into the house, after going off for the day...the smell was there, it would grab you by the collar, slap you in the nose and then punch you in the stomach. It was so frustrating that at one point we felt we had lost our minds when each of us created our own description of the sinister smell. My husband pondered the idea that it was almost an earthy smell with a dash of brown/gray dust, a pinch of mold, and a splash of thick green pond water.  My kids believe the scent to be a bag of rotten baking potatoes in the panty. As for myself, I was under the belief it was some kind of abscessed, ooze covered, mystery meat that was hiding low and deep in the refrigerator just waiting for its attack on some late night fridge troll. Ok, yes, I consider myself a fridge troll, if you saw what I look like in the middle of the night, you’d agree with me big time.

 I know that is the last thing you want to hear, people describing rotten smells looming in a room that should be sanitize to do the daily cooking. In my kitchen you can eat off the counter, most of the time. But with this unknown suspect hiding somewhere in our kitchen, we were all put on our guard. No three second rules were allowed until said smell was located, captured and put to death. As we entered into our fourth week of this unknown stench, a familiar memory entered my mind. Chicken! That’s it…Chicken! I said with a smile and I looked at my husband and boys who were trying to wrinkle their faces past the point of prune.

Stand back fella's, she's going in!

With one last attempt I went back into the refrigerator to find this rancid fresh air wreaker. WHA LA! The evil had been discovered. It was strategically hidden in the meat drawer just under a large package of shredded cheese. It was no longer a pink fresh chicken tender, it was now a yellowed, gummy, stagnant growth that should be wrapped in a toxic waste red container and incinerated so that no trace could be smelt again. My family rejoiced, “Mom had saved the day! She found the toxic demon that plagued our kitchen for month. She destroyed it with her bare hands. Hip Hip Hooray!” Now you now I like to post pictures of my accomplishments in the clutter chaos, but it was even to grotesque and to smelly for me to get near again. Once was enough. Now we can walk into our home and no longer fear having to get fitted to environmental toxic waste suits and respirators. We now breathe healthier and cleaner air. Awwwwww.